Unexpected

I received an unexpected e-mail this morning that brought some sad news. My grandmother in Mexico, whom I have never had the chance to meet, passed away on Thursday. Those of you that have been reading my blog for some time know that I have siblings from my father that I have never met and several that I have met only in the last few years. Since finding my older sister several years ago I have wanted to find the time and money to make the trip down to meet my grandmother - but between adoptions, the business and raising babies I never got the chance to go.

It's been a hard day for me. I've been crying off and on. I called my younger sister and brother and shared the news with them. I also only recently met them (within the last 2 or 3 years) and it was difficult news to give. I've gone back and forth from feeling sadness for myself - death is so permanent and I feel like there is an unknown part of me that is now gone forever. But I also feel so sad for her - that she never got a chance to know that despite her son's terrible choices - she had beautiful grandchildren who wanted to know one another and wanted to know and love her.

When my mom and father were first together, they lived in Mexico for a while. My mom was pregnant with me while she was there and my grandmother Maria (or Mimia as my sister and brother in Mexico called her) was always kind to my mom despite terribly awkward circumstances. My mom showed up to another wife and children in Mexico - although she didn't know it at the time.

I am so thankful for my older brother Beckett - although I have never met him I know that he is not like my father. He is a good man. He has integrity and love. He has been married for many years, has two children and has been caring for Mimia so she didn't have to live in a nursing home. I'm thankful that even though her son essentially abandoned her, Beckett did not.

The grief is challenging to process- the loss of someone I didn't know but who is a part of me and a part of every one of my siblings. My mom and I discussed some ways to memorialize her and to somehow bring a bit of closure to the situation. You may hear more about Mimia as time goes on but for now, I'm going to rejoice in our coming new life as I grieve the one that is gone. I'm going to give thanks to the Lord - for even though death is hard to bear - God, in His loving kindness, is giving much to be joyful for.

I've also decided, in Abuela Maria's memory, to make one little change:

Xochi Mariellen