Synthetic Hormones Make Me Whiny

I like using unrelated photos on my blog posts

At least in my head. I whine a lot in my head. And now, I might whine a little bit here.

I feel especially weepy this morning. It's such a terrible feeling. Hormonal emotions are not new to me. I've had my share of hormonal struggles over the years. But usually, they come for a couple of days and then they leave. Through experience, I've learned to deal with it and now the good days far outweigh the bad. I like it that way. Generally, during those one or two days every couple of months, I can logic away any irrational feelings but it doesn't seem to be working lately. Things that might normally bother me just a little bit are lingering in my mind. Some are big, some are small. The problem with these type of feelings it that they usually stem from something that is a reality but the medications I'm on blow them way, way out of proportion.

For example, this morning the topics I can't seem to stop thinking about are:

The fat on the back of my arms
Gaining weight
My lack of clothing for my larger, curvier self
The fact that my hair has not been cute for months
The clutter on my desk
I don't have any good boy names
My back still hurts
Remembering when I was young and my feet were soft
I have not knit in a very long time

These are just the small things that I'll probably momentarily stop thinking about once I start making breakfast for the kids.

But then there's:

If I have twins I will not be able to take the kids to the park for a picnic by myself like I did yesterday
If I have twins I'm going to get really humongous
Last night as I was walking to bed in the dark I thought, "If I have twins I won't get to sleep again for a very long time."
That darn IRS and their adoption credit reviews
I don't even have one good boy name, what if I...

And then just like that, mid-sentence - a divine intervention to my whine session. Xochi wakes up. I go into her room to get her and with two little elbows on a crib railing, a little brown chin resting on two chubby hands, a smile and a "Hi Mama!" - all seems better in my world.

Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for my next overly dramatic, hormone-induced blog post.

Still here...

Now that I'm feeling a little bit better I feel like I can sit down and gather my thoughts. The last week was pretty rough. I'm on a medication that suppresses my ovaries so they don't function. Basically, no ovaries = no hormones = major headaches + crazy, weepy emotions. I would sometimes have to squint at people when they were talking so I could focus enough through the headache to be able to process anything. It wasn't fun. So I decided to lay low for the week, take lots of naps, do as little as possible. I am so, so thankful that Justin was home through the hardest days and was able to pick up my slack. Love him. Thank you, Lord.

I went for an appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday and things are progressing as they should. For me, the best part of that was being able to start on some estrogen which = no more headaches! Hooray. I put the estrogen patches on last night and this morning when I woke up? The headache was gone. Phew! I talked to my mom on the ride home and was laughing a bit telling her I was so thankful to hear that my body was doing what it should - especially considering the fact that the M.O. for my body, in this area, is definitely to not do what it should. Ever. Kicking and screaming if you try to make it.

I've hesitated sharing all of this on my blog. Not that I don't want to share. If I knew you in person and saw you all face to face I would tell you everything. I'm just that way. This is not in my hands. It is not dependent on me. I still know, no matter what, that God brings the right children at the right time. HE alone is the one who plans families - as much as we think we are working at it, He has planned these things from the beginning of time. It is so good to rest in that knowledge. It's just that it's all so surreal to me still. Unbelievable at times. Like, do I dare voice it? Could this really be happening? You'd think I'd know it's real the moment I stick those darn needles into myself. But I suppose, just as I so often look at Steele, Adia and Xochi and think, "How in the world did you get here?! How did God's plans ever come about to bless me in such a way?!" ... I will always be in awe of life. And especially in awe of all of the creative and astounding ways God has brought life, these lives, to us.

June 9 is my next big appointment. As long as things are continuing as they should we will probably transfer the embryos in mid June. If you are a pray-er... please pray that God would preserve these little lives and that He would make just the right space for them in me. We'd really love to meet them.

The Right Woman for the Job?

Around my breakfast table this morning....

Steele: Are you gonna get a baby in your tummy?
Me: I hope so!

(keep in mind that this is not the first time we've had this conversation and I'm guessing it won't be the last)

Steele: Is that why you have to get shots?
Me: yup!
Steele: Ohhhh Adia, I hope you never have a baby so you don't have to get shots!
Me: Well, Adia probably won't have to get shots. Hopefully her body will work how God made it to work and she will be able to have babies without taking shots. Mama's body can't grow babies on it's own so that's why I have to take shots.
Adia: Well, you grew Xochi in your tummy.
Me: (shocked at this insight into Adia's little brain)
Steele: No, Chelsea did.
Me: No, Amanda grew Xochi in her tummy.
Adia: (Eyes widening and a smile spreading across her face) MY Amanda??!!
Me: No, a different Amanda.

Me (in my mind): Ohhh boy....

I'm really glad I can trust that God thought I was cut out for this job, because sometimes I find it awfully comical.

Next up: How to explain to people that the baby growing in your tummy is actually adopted...

Update

Isn't this a creepy photo? It has nothing to do with anything.

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to think of some way to update you all on the baby process. Maybe something deep? Maybe something funny? I even thought for a moment that I could tell you how I feel like the seven dwarfs all wrapped up in one - multiple personality dwarf maybe? Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy (allergies), Sleepy and let's throw in Weepy. That's pretty much me right now.

But I just couldn't come up with anything good. Maybe because at any given moment lately I feel like I could shut my eyes and fall asleep. Which is actually what I'm going to do as soon as I post this. Also, at any given moment, I feel like I could start crying. Do you know that feeling? Where you feel like you're on the verge of crying and you can just sort of feel it welling up in your chest and your throat? The thing is, I don't feel like crying over anything in particular, I just feel like crying.

All in all, it's not that bad though. Truly. I started birth control pills a week and a half ago to get my cycle on schedule. I start a different medication next week. Shots. In my stomach. Fun times. I've been trying to pace myself and my days. One thing at a time. A load of laundry here, a school lesson there. Taking purposeful, short moments to train my children, take a nap, lay out in the sun (on the two days we've had it this year) and read some things that feed my spirit. I've been avoiding people a little bit. Only because I'm a tad unpredictable right now. Even to myself. I also don't want to appear as though I'm complaining about anything. I know some people might think I'm looney for choosing this. It's hard to explain sometimes that we didn't choose it. God did. So it's just easier if I don't have to breach that topic.

Overall I have an overwhelming feeling of this all being very surreal. Ten years of being married, adopting 3 babies in 4 years, never trying and barely even thinking about fertility treatment and now here we are. It is still crazy to me. God crazy. Good crazy. The best kind of crazy.

A friend passed on this blog to me. If you're curious about the whole process of IVF or embryo adoption you might be interested to read it. The blogger is about where I am now if you go back to her posts from September '09. It's really interesting. I never knew. I still don't really know. I'm just doing what the doctor tells me to do. Checking off each day on my schedule calendar. Today: take a little red pill. Sunday and Monday: same. Tuesday: take little red pill, give myself a shot in the stomach.... until sometime in mid June: Take vallium, have doctor put baby inside me.

CRAZY!!!!

Making the Most of Things

According to Steele, this makes me the best mama ever and I get 300 kisses for it.