10 Things

Bump ~20 weeks

I was talking with a friend the other day and she challenged me to write down 10 things every day that I am thankful for. I don't know that I'll do it every day but it is definitely a good exercise for me during this time. Because folks, I am not a happy pregnant lady. I don't know if it's my endometriosis, all of the complications I've had or just that I am super sensitive to the changes that are taking place in my body - but I feel like I could lay in bed all day long. I feel uncomfortable all of the time - my stomach is so tight feeling, my bowels so... who knows what.. wrong feeling, and tons of pressure in my lower abdomen. I already walk like I'm 8 or 9 months pregnant because seriously - it hurts to walk! Some days I really wonder how I am going to make it through 20 more weeks. Just a guess here - but I'm thinking things are only going to get tighter and more uncomfortable. Just a guess.

Lately, this question has come up again in my life.

You must have really wanted to be pregnant?

And the honest answer to that?

Well, actually, no I didn't "really" want to be pregnant. I wanted more children. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord no matter what and I truly believe this is what He put in front of us. That's what I "really" wanted.

But I don't say that. Because that would be snotty. And I realize this is a sensitive topic. I realize there are people out there who would say to me, "Well, you should just be happy you're even able to get pregnant. Quit complaining." And I really don't have anything to say people who might say that because, well, they're where they're at and I'm where I'm at. And actually, I've been where they're at too - for 10 years - but that's ok. What I will say is that these things are not mutually exclusive. I am beyond thrilled to have another baby! (whose name may or may not start with "T" now) I am not thrilled to be feeling so miserable. I didn't expect to feel so miserable. I was hoping I would be one of those people who love being pregnant. But I'm not.

Add on top of that a trip to the hospital over the weekend from 11 - 2 a.m., bad sickness, a terrible cough that gives me shooting pains and makes me pee my pants and having to take antibiotics because women with previa and bleeding need to keep coughing to a minimum and well... things have been a tad stressful.

Which brings me back around to the 10 things. Here they are:

I am thankful for

1. My husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he is and all that he does for our family. In fact, I probably don't even fully understand myself what this is for him. All I know is that I wanted to punch our very nice and knowledgeable doctor in the face when she told me I should leave toys on the floor for my husband to pick up when he gets home and then gave Justin this sort of knowing, you-hear-that? kind of look. If she only knew! (You'll be happy to know I did not punch her in the face.)

2. My three beautiful children and how they love me and make me smile every day.

3. The ways that we are growing and maturing through all of this, even when it seems slow going.

4. That the Lord does not leave us alone. He is sovereign. He planned this. What would I do without that knowledge?

5. Friends who bring food, play with my kids and visit with me.

6. Being able to get out of the house at least every once in a while.

7. The BOY that is growing inside me and the anticipation of who he will be.

8. Friends who I know are FAITHFULLY praying for me, let me be honest with them and yet still somehow speak gracious, loving truth to me.

9. The resources to hire someone to clean our house and help care for our children.

10. Good news at our doctor's appointment this week - that my placenta has actually, miraculously moved up a little bit! (I had several providers tell me that with complete previa this was highly unlikely) Along with this, that my placenta looks thick, healthy and strong. (also a concern with complete previa) And that baby boy looks perfect so far. Hooray!

Now to adjust my brain to the fact that I might have to prepare simultaneously for either a scheduled c-section or a vaginal delivery - if the placenta continues to move up... because honestly, I was at peace with just knowing that a c-section was the way I'd have to go. This new news has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm getting used to the loops.... (which really, you'd think I'd have learned that after three adoptions which are full of nothing but loops)

Placenta Previa

That's what I have. After a series of anxiety-inducing events throughout what seems my entire pregnancy so far (and even pre-pregnancy), I found out yesterday that I have complete placenta previa. I've had cramping and spotting several times over the last few months which was thought to be from some earlier discovered subchorionic hematomas, but after it happening again this week my doctor sent me for another ultrasound yesterday which revealed the previa.

Ugh. Again, this pregnancy has been a surprisingly rough road for me. So where do we go from here? I'm not absolutely certain. I'll probably know more once I hear back from my doctor on Friday. Thankfully, even though they were about to send me away from the imaging center without any information, I asked to speak to the radiologist who explained to me what was going on. He was encouraging and explained - as I've now read more about - that this generally poses no risk to the baby and that most women are able to carry to full term. What it most likely means for me is that I'll have to be monitored closely, especially in my last weeks of pregnancy, and then will most likely end up having a c-section. Obviously, the baby can't be delivered through the placenta and in fact, once I go into labor, it will be extremely important that I get to the hospital quickly in order to prevent any hemorrhaging.

I want to talk to my doctor about the exact placement of the placenta over my cervix. I found some interesting data that said about 90% of women found with previa early in their second trimester end up delivering normally because the placenta tends to move up as the uterus grows. This is more common in women with partial previa though... so we'll just wait and see. In the mean time, I have these very disconcerting symptoms but am extremely grateful to see that the baby is still doing well and is healthy. As difficult as it is to take it easy with three little ones, that is pretty much what's in order for me over the next 6 months or so. No more Jazzercise (which I've only tried once and it sort of started all of this off this week), sweet 30 lb Xochi will be moved to her toddler bed so I don't have to lift her as much, lots of sitting around on the couch cuddling, reading, knitting, etc. It's only temporary. I am thankful for my friends who have reminded me of this and so I keep repeating it to myself. Just for a season...

I also wanted you all to know that if you don't see me around this space much, this is probably why. All of this has been very emotional for me and when I feel overwhelmed and emotional I tend to pull in. And for now, "in" feels like the best place to be. Pulling my children, my husband and the Lord a little closer and resting in the peace that they bring. Steele and Adia have been especially sweet blessings - there have been more than several occasions when I've been on the couch or my bed (or the kitchen floor) crying and discouraged and they have literally wiped my tears, patted my arm or my head, kissed me and told me they love me. My prayer is that even through the tears, that they would see God's faithfulness and perfect plan for our family.

Admittedly, this little baby has brought so much adventure into our lives already... I'm a little nervous to see what will happen when he/she actually arrives! (we tried to see gender yesterday but it's still a little early... I'll let you know though!)

Bits

I have so much on my mind lately. I feel like one blog post could never do it all justice. Here's an attempt, in an abbreviated fashion.

1. At the forefront of my brain, most days, is this pregnancy and all that it entails. (16 weeks tomorrow!) Have I mentioned it's been a rough go? It has. Very rough. I won't go into all the details but it's involved a lot of doctor's appointments and ultrasounds and a fair amount of discomfort, pain and anxiety. Sweet babe looks to be doing great which I am thankful for, but his or her mama is not. It seems it might be related to my endometriosis which is both encouraging and discouraging. Most recently I have a sharp pain in my right flank sort of up under my ribs. It hurts worse when I inhale. I've been waiting it out a bit, hoping that it might relieve itself... hoping that it might be related to constipation (TMI? Sorry.. nobody ever told me about this part of pregnancy. It stinks. But not literally, of course. That's the problem.) But worrying that it might be a kidney infection or something worse but not wanting to go to the doctor again but freaking out a bit after reading that if it were a kidney infection that I would need to be in the hospital immediately. Honestly, I would really appreciate your prayers. I'm clinging to prayer these days. Hoping that I can soon move on from stress to a bit more excitement.

2. Re: baby. I think we have settled on names. But just so that we don't have the comical and ever-changing baby name fiasco we did with Xochi... I think I might wait a while to share. I'm definitely not one to wait until the baby is actually here to reveal the name - I'm far too much of a blabber mouth for that - I just want to be a little more certain first. Even though I feel very certain now but well, you understand. To build a little excitement - both names start with "W."

I found these pictures on my computer and they made me smile.

Steele on a scooter ride with our neighbor.

3. We began some new adventures in our family this fall. The first is that Steele is now a Tiger Cub! It's turning out to be the perfect activity for him and for us. This is our first official kid activity - we chose it with much prayer and thoughtfulness and are excited. Especially because Steele is so excited.

The second is that I have started teaching the middle school Sunday school class at our church. My class is made up of four home-schooled, middle school boys. What could be cooler than that?! I made the comment to someone that I'll take four home-schooled, middle school boys over four public-schooled, middle school girls any day. Last week was our first week and the only student to show up was my 12 year old brother Gabe. We took our donuts to Starbucks and hung out there for a while. Hopefully I'll get to do my prepared lesson (which includes fire and candy) tomorrow morning.

Adia and Mr. B.

4. This fall, more than ever, I am so thankful that this season has arrived. For obvious reasons, like my less-than-ideal summer, but also because we have started full-swing into schooling. Both the kids and I are loving it. Steele and Adia are doing so well. There is something uniquely special about getting to be present for each new learning milestone and insight in their lives. It is a huge blessing to me and strengthens our relationships in ways I could not have imagined. And of course, fall would not be complete without it's pumpkin spice coffees and homemade applesauce - both of which I have already partaken of.

I guess that's it for now. I'm certain there was more I wanted to share when I started but it's gone. It's raining today. I find such comfort in the rain. Justin is on his way home from work for four days off. I think I'll knit as much as I can. I'm also going to go visit a friend who is in the middle of her own first trimester misery. In life, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that my own experience has allowed me to be sympathetic to others who are having challenging pregnancies. Because, sheesh! It's really surprising to me how many women are NOT sympathetic. But that's another post for another day... or maybe it's best if I just keep that rant to myself.

Some Answers

Part 2

In Justin's words, for the last 6 months, I "haven't been quite" myself. If you'll remember, in the fall, most of my little crew came down with the swine flu. Oink. Then in January (January 16th to be exact - I remember because I was at my niece's birthday party), around the time I tried my first elimination diet, I got sick again. I had had some sort of flu-like virus which turned into a cold. I started coughing and well, long story short - 6 months, more colds, not-myself-symptoms and a couple of doctor's visits later, I am still coughing. 6 months! No joke - I've been coughing for six months.

In my mind, coughing for six months =

Cancer

Because well, in my mind, any sort of odd feeling, pain or symptom =

Cancer

(See previous posts on anxiety, fear, etc.)

Fortunately for me - so far, nothing has turned out to =

Cancer

I'm just trying to give you a feel for how often this little brain of mine goes straight to =

Cancer

Please, please believe me when I say that I am in no way, whatsoever making light of this subject.

What I am saying is that I am certain I think about

Cancer

way more than anyone should.


So back in March I go to see my very dear conventional doctor - who also goes to my church - and tell him I have been coughing for (at that time) three months and that I'm worried I might have... you guessed it....

Cancer

Without making me feel too terribly stupid, he chuckles a bit and tells me I probably don't have... you know... *it* in much the same way he told me at the end of May last year that I was not having a heart attack but wondered if I might be under just a teensy bit of stress? preparing for Xochi to arrive and wondered if I could maybe, just maybe, be experiencing some anxiety because of it? Um. Maybe. Just a little bit.

Ok. My bad. Not a heart attack either.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this he also mentions that I have low vitamin D levels and that I should start taking a supplement. Evidently, that bit of information goes in one ear, sits for just a moment, and then heads straight out the other ear. That is, until I go back to see him a few weeks ago because now I have been coughing for six months and it's really starting to get annoying.

First, he says that it seems I might have asthma and prescribes an inhaler.

Next, after I tell him I haven't gotten around to getting a vitamin D supplement yet, he explains to me again - this time a little more thoroughly.

Basically, Cutzi, a good vitamin D level is 30. I treat people complaining of vitamin D deficiency symptoms at levels of 18-20. You're at an 8. Out of the thousands of people I see, I might have 5 -at the most- with levels that low. And you're one of them.

8!!! Eight!!!

So basically, Dr. D, what you're tellin' me is that I need to start taking some viatmin D?

Then I go home and research vitamin D deficiency symptoms and here is what I find:

(among other more severe problems that I won't get into but you can probably guess at *ahem..cancer....cough, cough*)

Colds and flu
Periodontal Disease and Cavities
Depression
Anxiety
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Osteoporosis
Asthma
Muscle weakness and non-specific types of aches and pains
Fatigue
Nausea Vomiting and Diarrhea


Believe it or not, this was good news to me.

The next thing I did? Went straight out and bought myself a big 'ol bottle full of Vitamin D3.


To be continued....

Some Answers

Part 1

Quite a bit has happened since my Dear God post. Most of it encouraging, some of it disheartening.

I wish I could explain my struggles more specifically, but it's difficult. I am very much aware that some may call my questions a lack of faith - and that may very well be so. I realize that, unless one has struggled with anxiety or depression, it is difficult to understand. I don't know how much of this I've written about before, so I'll give a brief overview.

I have a chronic disease. It's called endometriosis. It's really hard for me to type that and even harder for me to say. But sure enough, if you google it, you will see that endometriosis is just that. It's an autoimmune disease - which in short, means that it pretty much messes with my entire body. There is no cure for it and no cause has been found. A surgeon who took out some large blood-filled cysts on my ovaries a few years ago and got a close look at my uterus told me that I have stage 4. That's on a scale of 1-4.

The short list of what it does to me is this:

So far, infertility. Although it is not proven that women with endo can't ever get pregnant.
Estrogen dominance (and all the hormonal wonders that go along with that)
Fatigue
Muscle and joint aches
Severe cramping and pain
Clotting
Depression
Anxiety
Bloating
Difficulty losing weight

It has also been found that women with endometriosis tend to have:

allergies
food intolerances
asthma
decreased immune systems

I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out - but you get my point. All of this kinda sucks to one degree or another. To be honest, I never really gave a lot of thought to it until a few years ago. It was normal for me. But all of a sudden, when I had to start taking care of children, a husband and a home, I realized I couldn't be sleeping 10 hours at night and taking 2-3 hours naps every day. I needed to be joyful and patient in order to train and teach my children. All of which is challenging if I'm not feeling well or in pain.

So the depression and anxiety thing.... now, I am totally not saying that I lay around in bed for days on end thinking the world is coming to an end. In fact, I don't do that. There's just to much to be done in a day. More usually, at certain times during my cycle - I'm guessing when my hormones are the most messed up - I struggle. I lay in bed at night next to Justin imagining "what ifs" and wondering about life's eternal questions. Death, heaven, my children, getting old etc etc. etc. My heart starts to race, sometimes I'll start to hyperventilate, my chest tightens, sometimes I have tightness across my back and I often feel like crying. An anxiety attack. It's as much physical as it is emotional.

My theory is this - There are these things in the back of my mind that I have little seeds of insecurity and doubt about. And most of the time - when my body is behaving itself - I can remind myself of God's truths and specific scripture. I can "preach to myself" what is true and what is not and I can fit those little doubts back into the "don't worry about that now" box. But when I'm laying in bed on those other nights - I'm not able to do that. The doubts become bigger than my preaching and pretty soon my body starts reacting and at that point I really can't do much but try to breathe slowly into a paper bag. I'm really hoping this is making even a little bit of sense.

And the depression part? Well, it's during those times again. And again, put out of your mind your stereotypes of depression - no laying around in bed all day. Mostly, the little stuff that only sort of bothers me the rest of the month, really bothers me for 2 or 3 days. Like a little grey Eeyore cloud that might sprinkle now and again making me wish I could lose weight or dress cuter or be cuter or be younger or have less grey hair or be less emotional or be a better friend or a better mom or a better daughter or a better Christian or or or... blah dee blah .....becomes a huge storm cloud. And it clouds the rest of my rational thinking about these things.

So is it a lack of faith? Well, I suppose the root of it is. Until it gets bigger than that. Fortunately, since faith is a gift of God, I'm not too hard on myself about the fact that I can't somehow muster it up in those moments. The Lord has given me tremendous amounts of faith in other areas of my life - and I'm thankful that He's starting to give me some answers in this one.

Wow. This is getting longer than I expected. I think I'll finish it in a Part 2. Before I sign off for the night though - I want to say how encouraged I was by your comments on my Dear God post. Sometimes I can start to think that I'm totally loco and that I'm the only one who struggles with these thoughts. Just hearing that some of you "get it" and a little bit of what you do about it pushed me forward a little bit. And I needed a push. So thank you.

But stay tuned! There's good news in Part 2.

And some photos, of course. These joys are what get me through the rough days.

At the Beach
We're very blessed to live less than half an hour from the bay
.

Xochi sportin' her gangsta look.
Ehhhhhh, Vato!