Ahhhh...

That's me. Sighing a sigh of relief. Today feels a little better. Yesterday, by 8:30 in the morning, I had already driven through Starbucks and McDonalds and I may or may not have had tears streaming down my cheeks. But today? Today I feel more emotionally stable. My hormones feel more under control. I'm more rested. I've eaten healthy food. I have discomfort but no pain. I feel like I can manage my childrens' behavior more patiently and consistently. For this moment, at least. God's grace for today. I'm thankful for it. I'm going to make good use of it.

After the drive-through incident my husband came home. He always makes things better. We went and got our Christmas tree in the afternoon. Aside from a little crying breakdown in the car when I was ravished and could not find food (Yes, this is a true story. I was irrationally crying because I was hungry. I knew it was irrational, I kept telling myself that and still, I could not stop crying.)... we had a great time. We always go with my parents and my grandma comes along. We found our tree quickly. Not the most stunning tree we've ever had but I still love it. We took some beautiful photos. We went to dinner and came home to a clean house courtesy of Pam the house cleaner who our families have so generously helped to pay for during this time. We decorated while the Polar Express played in the background. It was good.

The sun is shining into my Christmas house today. When I'm done here I'm going to finish my coffee, school my children, direct a thorough bedroom cleaning and then perhaps relax with some knitting and crafts for the rest of the day.

Hunting

Loving (after some sister strangling..)

Smiling

Great-grandma-ing

Topping

Honoring

Enjoying

Creating

Shining

Brightening

Bah.

I feel crummy. Most of the time. All day long. CRUMMY! Miserable. Uncomfortable. Grumpy. And I am a ball full of tightly wound hormone-induced emotions that unravels at the most unbecoming times. You think I'm kidding. Over-exaggerating? I'm not. I have very little patience or grace for anyone in my life. Mostly, family members. Except for my husband who, oddly enough, I have grown more in love with over the past months. Maybe because I am so deeply dependent on him right now and because he has been a ROCK. A rock, I tell ya. And then, I am so frustrated and ashamed by my responses toward people that I become irrationally upset about them. It's a bad, bad cycle. I've decided that perhaps the safest method of dealing with all of this might just be to stay away from everyone for the next 10 weeks. (Which is the count-down to my probable c-section.. many hurrahs!) With Christmas and gatherings fast approaching, though, this might be near impossible. I wonder if they would believe Justin if he told them I flew to Mexico?.. Hmm....

And baby names.. Don't even get me started on baby names. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps the only reason I was ever able to fully commit to the prior 3 was because I was not pregnant while trying to decide. I think we've fully committed to three already. Announced one. And now I'm not so sure again.

So that's how I'm doing. In case you were wondering. Did I mention that pregnancy also seems to have affected my filter? Way more honest than I probably should be. Most of the time.

Fortunately, through everything, I have not lost my ability to be thankful for things. Namely, my children. And the anticipation of getting to meet a new one soon. They are just about the purest bright spots of my day. They make me laugh and smile. (and cry) So I thought I would share the thing that gave me the biggest smile and chuckle this past week. Adia Moon and the Papa went for their first day of skiing. I'm not allowed to go up to the mountain this year so Justin has to take each child separately. So far, Adia is our most courageous skier, directing Papa to "please let go" of her so she can ski whole runs by herself. Her papa couldn't be more proud or excited. Gotta love that girl's chutzpah. Most of the time...

Adia Moon (4 yrs old)

This one made me laugh the most for some reason.
I think because of the way she just stares at him when he says "French fries, not pizza."

This Morning

My son woke up at 4:45 a.m. (I will now join the ranks of social media users complaining about daylight savings)

My daughters woke up at 5:30 a.m.

Adia puked in my bed at 5:45 a.m.

I may or may not have been seen on my hands and knees in nothing but undergarments scrubbing the floor with Lysol disinfectant wipes. Hey - I needed to get back to the bedroom to get dressed and the only way through was to take on the mess. Half way through, Adia came out of the bathroom and I got a whiff... at which point my husband came and rescued his gagging, pregnant wife.

At approximately 6:05 a.m. I poured myself some coffee topped off with eggnog and downed a couple of spoonfuls of glutenous pumpkin cake that a woman from our church dropped off yesterday.

I also implemented a new plan in which Steele may only play with Xochi until he learns how to treat her with kindness, gentleness and patience. His new Lego set that he ordered off of Amazon arrived yesterday, which makes this training opportunity a little harder for him to swallow.

It can only go up from here?

10 Things

Bump ~20 weeks

I was talking with a friend the other day and she challenged me to write down 10 things every day that I am thankful for. I don't know that I'll do it every day but it is definitely a good exercise for me during this time. Because folks, I am not a happy pregnant lady. I don't know if it's my endometriosis, all of the complications I've had or just that I am super sensitive to the changes that are taking place in my body - but I feel like I could lay in bed all day long. I feel uncomfortable all of the time - my stomach is so tight feeling, my bowels so... who knows what.. wrong feeling, and tons of pressure in my lower abdomen. I already walk like I'm 8 or 9 months pregnant because seriously - it hurts to walk! Some days I really wonder how I am going to make it through 20 more weeks. Just a guess here - but I'm thinking things are only going to get tighter and more uncomfortable. Just a guess.

Lately, this question has come up again in my life.

You must have really wanted to be pregnant?

And the honest answer to that?

Well, actually, no I didn't "really" want to be pregnant. I wanted more children. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord no matter what and I truly believe this is what He put in front of us. That's what I "really" wanted.

But I don't say that. Because that would be snotty. And I realize this is a sensitive topic. I realize there are people out there who would say to me, "Well, you should just be happy you're even able to get pregnant. Quit complaining." And I really don't have anything to say people who might say that because, well, they're where they're at and I'm where I'm at. And actually, I've been where they're at too - for 10 years - but that's ok. What I will say is that these things are not mutually exclusive. I am beyond thrilled to have another baby! (whose name may or may not start with "T" now) I am not thrilled to be feeling so miserable. I didn't expect to feel so miserable. I was hoping I would be one of those people who love being pregnant. But I'm not.

Add on top of that a trip to the hospital over the weekend from 11 - 2 a.m., bad sickness, a terrible cough that gives me shooting pains and makes me pee my pants and having to take antibiotics because women with previa and bleeding need to keep coughing to a minimum and well... things have been a tad stressful.

Which brings me back around to the 10 things. Here they are:

I am thankful for

1. My husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he is and all that he does for our family. In fact, I probably don't even fully understand myself what this is for him. All I know is that I wanted to punch our very nice and knowledgeable doctor in the face when she told me I should leave toys on the floor for my husband to pick up when he gets home and then gave Justin this sort of knowing, you-hear-that? kind of look. If she only knew! (You'll be happy to know I did not punch her in the face.)

2. My three beautiful children and how they love me and make me smile every day.

3. The ways that we are growing and maturing through all of this, even when it seems slow going.

4. That the Lord does not leave us alone. He is sovereign. He planned this. What would I do without that knowledge?

5. Friends who bring food, play with my kids and visit with me.

6. Being able to get out of the house at least every once in a while.

7. The BOY that is growing inside me and the anticipation of who he will be.

8. Friends who I know are FAITHFULLY praying for me, let me be honest with them and yet still somehow speak gracious, loving truth to me.

9. The resources to hire someone to clean our house and help care for our children.

10. Good news at our doctor's appointment this week - that my placenta has actually, miraculously moved up a little bit! (I had several providers tell me that with complete previa this was highly unlikely) Along with this, that my placenta looks thick, healthy and strong. (also a concern with complete previa) And that baby boy looks perfect so far. Hooray!

Now to adjust my brain to the fact that I might have to prepare simultaneously for either a scheduled c-section or a vaginal delivery - if the placenta continues to move up... because honestly, I was at peace with just knowing that a c-section was the way I'd have to go. This new news has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm getting used to the loops.... (which really, you'd think I'd have learned that after three adoptions which are full of nothing but loops)

A Day

Whew.

What a difference a day makes.

Justin and I decided on Thursday night that I should call my new OB (who I have not seen yet) to verify that I should still remain on bed rest. It's kind of a long story but basically, the GP I was seeing put me on bed rest almost three weeks ago, transferred me to an OB (with no explanation to me) and then I never heard from anyone again. At that point my OB appointment was still a week and a half away.

So I put a call in on Friday to the OB's office and heard back from two very friendly and helpful nurses. After speaking with the doctor, the second nurse explained to me that they usually only put women with complete previa on bed rest if they are having bright red spotting. To which I replied, "Well... I haven't had any bright red spotting. I've only ever had light, brown spotting."

"Hmmm... really?" she said. "We thought that's why you were on bed rest."

Uh.. no.

So the nurse told me to resume some normal activity this weekend and see how I feel. She said to call immediately if I have any bright red. As you can imagine, I am SO glad I called. I already felt so much better yesterday. Both emotionally and physically. I'm still being careful and want to talk to the doctor more extensively on Wednesday but really, what a difference a day makes. My gut is a little more tame, my body is not aching and while we were out at dinner last night and visiting with my grandma, I barely noticed the lower belly pressure and discomfort I've been feeling for days. I don't know if it was actually less or if I was just distracted enough to not notice it but either way - it felt great!

I'm leaving all of our care help in place for now - until we find out some more information from the obstetrician. The reality is that most women with complete previa experience some sort of spotting, many even have heavy bleeding, throughout their pregnancy. I want to do everything I can to avoid that and avoid complete bed rest again if at all possible. (Because have I mentioned? It sucked.) I'll have to find some balance. This morning my balance was deciding that Halloween decorations can wait since they're down in the basement and Justin isn't here to help me. Trust me, my mind started reeling with a flurry of all of the possible fall activities, crafts and yummy-ness I've been dreaming of... but I quickly reined myself in. More knitting, less baking. More snuggling with kids and books, less pumpkin hunting. More on-line shopping, less frantic 11th hour making of Halloween costumes...

If you've signed up to help us out please know how humbled and thankful we are for your care for us. Hold tight for now and I'll keep you posted on our needs. Our families have been very gracious to help us hire help for both the children and house keeping. My best guess at this point is that we'll continue with that but probably won't need meals and volunteers. PRAYING that is the case!

Ps. I'm already second-guessing my baby names.

PPs. Please, please, please accept my apology if you're offended by the phrase "it sucked." I realize this is kind of a generationally accepted term. (I don't think generationally is a word..) But sometimes, you know, you just gotta use a curse-y type word. Rest assured grammies out there - I don't say it around my children. Just to my best bloggy friends.

PPPs. How could I have forgotten??!! Probably because I started writing this, got my kids dressed and dropped off at church and then came back to it. THANK YOU, thank you for your wonderful, beautiful comments on my last post. I sat and read them over and over again and CRIED. God used your words and your prayers to strengthen me that day.

Gut Gone Wild

And other random thoughts to enhance your day.

1. My gut has gone wild. In many, many awful ways that I won't go into... for now.

2. I have a whole new respect for Michelle Duggar and her 19 pregnancies. I loved her before but now, she may have achieved saint-hood in my heart.

3. I am only 18.5 weeks along and my insides feel like they are going to explode out of my super-tight, stretch-rebelling skin. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

4. Justin and I are trying to think of creative ways to get me OUT of this house. Like wheel-chairing around the mall. I'm desperate.


Ok... I just read this back to myself and have decided I'll stop there. It sounds really depressing. The reality is that I'm having a very hard time. Please pray for me, friends. Pray for my emotions and my mental well-being. The details feel a little raw to share here publicly, but some days I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next months.

Fortunately, our home is never without some comic relief to lighten things up. I'll leave you with the best from today so far.

Steele: Adia, be quiet.

Me: Steele, why did you just tell Adia to be quiet? That didn't sound very nice.

Steele: Well, she just says the rudest things to me ALL. DAY. LONG.

Me: Really? What did she say?

Steele: She said, "Steeeeele!" (with a little rise in intonation at the end)


Wow. How dare she!

(Also, I've never thought much about it before, but I would really love to know who I'm sending these random thoughts out to in blogland. If you're a lurker - leave me a comment. It would make my day.)

Still Resting

Although a little more fully now. As of Sunday afternoon, my doctor put me on more complete bed rest.

The bump. The headless pregnant lady. (You know how it is. Bad hair. No make-up.)

It's hard. Physically, emotionally, relationally, logistically, parentingly... pretty much all the lly's you can think of. Please pray for us when you remember.

I am truly humbled and grateful for the ways our friends and family have helped us this week. Meals, visits, new clothes (thanks, Mom!), e-mails checking in. I especially appreciated a friend dropping a meal by yesterday who brought her sweet 2 month old. It was good to remember what it's like to hold a sweet smelling newborn.

I'm 17.5 weeks. At this point, we have no idea how long this bed rest could last. We're praying for the best but, as time has gone on, we're also trying to think practically about preparing for the long haul.

I wanted to clarify a bit about what exactly is going on. I have complete previa. This means that my placenta is completely covering my cervix. There are many different levels of previa but this complete previa isn't as likely to correct and is a little riskier. A lot of women have previa and don't even know about it. The fact that I've been cramping and spotting is more concerning.

I hope I don't offend anyone when I say this, but please oh please don't leave me comments saying things like, "But it will all be worth it in the end" or "You're doing the most important job there is right now." For some reason, could be hormones, these phrases don't make me feel any better. A simple, "That must be really hard... (scary, sucky, etc.) I will be praying for you" is really helpful and lets me know you recognize how I'm feeling. And how I'm feeling is that I have 4 other people in my life that God has given me to love and serve and right now I can't do those things very easily or well. The other truth is that we really don't know how things will turn out in the end and sitting around on the couch really isn't my most important job. My most important job is to trust God and His sovereignty and rest in the fact that my faithful God, for whatever reason, has chosen this path for us. My job is to glorify Him and serve Him in the midst of it. *Please don't worry if you've already said one of those things to me. I'm not offended... I'm just not sure I can handle hearing it again. You know, the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing.

This is the only thing I know for sure:

What is thy only comfort in life and death?

That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him. (from the Heidelberg Catechism)

Rest

This picture makes my belly look comically larger than it really is.
I had to share it with you.

Those are my orders. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and quite honestly, he didn't tell me much of anything I didn't already know. He commented that it really is amazing how many of these situations correct themselves by the time of delivery, which I was encouraged to hear. He also put me on partial bed rest. I think his exact words were to be "really lazy" and "no going to the grocery store or vacuuming." When he said that I thought to myself how many of my normal, daily activities are just as or more strenuous than vacuuming or going to the store. Because really, I would consider those two of my lighter activities... I'm still having cramping and spotting so he said he wants me to take it easy for a few days and see if it stops and if it doesn't, he'll put me on strict bed rest until it does. The reality is that when I'm lying down, the cramping stops. When I get up, even to make myself something to eat, it starts again.

The other glaring reality is that somebody in our family has to work. You know, so we can do things like.. eat and have running water. Luxuries, really. ;-) Justin came home from work early on Wednesday because of all that was going on. (I don't think I mentioned that Steele and Adia both had fevers, headaches and nausea on Wednesday and were miraculously better on Thursday..) Justin took today off and we are hoping that the majority of this will subside and he'll be able to go back on Sunday. I decided that the best plan, in order to have the highest chance of him being able to do that, is to be as inactive as possible. If strict bed rest is a possibility on the horizon, I'd rather just do it now when Justin is already home. Does that make sense?

Hopefully, by now, you know me a little bit. I'm honest. Often to my detriment. I wouldn't be being honest now if I didn't say that I feel pretty discouraged. Please understand when I say this that I am VERY grateful that little babe is healthy and doing well. I am able to put things in perspective and know that this is what matters most. The discouraging part is that I am only 16 weeks along. I am trying my best to not think about tomorrow or what the future may hold or if I might have to go on bed rest again by the time this baby is born. (Matthew 6:34)

So that's where we're at. On the couch, in bed, at the computer. After reading Nie's blog yesterday I think I might have Justin take me for a drive.

Your prayers. I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I have been for so many peoples' prayers, stories, encouragement... I know a lot of people don't like facebook (especially my 82 year old grandma) but it has been a blessing to me during this time. It has been a way for me to connect with my friends and other mamas when I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. Reading what others are up to and communicating with my friends daily has helped me to not feel so isolated.

One wise friend also gave me this encouragement yesterday which I was very thankful for. I thought it might encourage some of you as well in whatever you might be struggling in.

Even if you feel more comfortable turning inward and focusing simply on your family with your energy (not blogging, etc) make sure that you invest yourself in praying for and seeking out the prayer needs of others. It helped me tremendously to get out of my own situation in my head and carry the burdens of others in prayer while I was struggling so much emotionally with my own condition.

Placenta Previa

That's what I have. After a series of anxiety-inducing events throughout what seems my entire pregnancy so far (and even pre-pregnancy), I found out yesterday that I have complete placenta previa. I've had cramping and spotting several times over the last few months which was thought to be from some earlier discovered subchorionic hematomas, but after it happening again this week my doctor sent me for another ultrasound yesterday which revealed the previa.

Ugh. Again, this pregnancy has been a surprisingly rough road for me. So where do we go from here? I'm not absolutely certain. I'll probably know more once I hear back from my doctor on Friday. Thankfully, even though they were about to send me away from the imaging center without any information, I asked to speak to the radiologist who explained to me what was going on. He was encouraging and explained - as I've now read more about - that this generally poses no risk to the baby and that most women are able to carry to full term. What it most likely means for me is that I'll have to be monitored closely, especially in my last weeks of pregnancy, and then will most likely end up having a c-section. Obviously, the baby can't be delivered through the placenta and in fact, once I go into labor, it will be extremely important that I get to the hospital quickly in order to prevent any hemorrhaging.

I want to talk to my doctor about the exact placement of the placenta over my cervix. I found some interesting data that said about 90% of women found with previa early in their second trimester end up delivering normally because the placenta tends to move up as the uterus grows. This is more common in women with partial previa though... so we'll just wait and see. In the mean time, I have these very disconcerting symptoms but am extremely grateful to see that the baby is still doing well and is healthy. As difficult as it is to take it easy with three little ones, that is pretty much what's in order for me over the next 6 months or so. No more Jazzercise (which I've only tried once and it sort of started all of this off this week), sweet 30 lb Xochi will be moved to her toddler bed so I don't have to lift her as much, lots of sitting around on the couch cuddling, reading, knitting, etc. It's only temporary. I am thankful for my friends who have reminded me of this and so I keep repeating it to myself. Just for a season...

I also wanted you all to know that if you don't see me around this space much, this is probably why. All of this has been very emotional for me and when I feel overwhelmed and emotional I tend to pull in. And for now, "in" feels like the best place to be. Pulling my children, my husband and the Lord a little closer and resting in the peace that they bring. Steele and Adia have been especially sweet blessings - there have been more than several occasions when I've been on the couch or my bed (or the kitchen floor) crying and discouraged and they have literally wiped my tears, patted my arm or my head, kissed me and told me they love me. My prayer is that even through the tears, that they would see God's faithfulness and perfect plan for our family.

Admittedly, this little baby has brought so much adventure into our lives already... I'm a little nervous to see what will happen when he/she actually arrives! (we tried to see gender yesterday but it's still a little early... I'll let you know though!)

Bits

I have so much on my mind lately. I feel like one blog post could never do it all justice. Here's an attempt, in an abbreviated fashion.

1. At the forefront of my brain, most days, is this pregnancy and all that it entails. (16 weeks tomorrow!) Have I mentioned it's been a rough go? It has. Very rough. I won't go into all the details but it's involved a lot of doctor's appointments and ultrasounds and a fair amount of discomfort, pain and anxiety. Sweet babe looks to be doing great which I am thankful for, but his or her mama is not. It seems it might be related to my endometriosis which is both encouraging and discouraging. Most recently I have a sharp pain in my right flank sort of up under my ribs. It hurts worse when I inhale. I've been waiting it out a bit, hoping that it might relieve itself... hoping that it might be related to constipation (TMI? Sorry.. nobody ever told me about this part of pregnancy. It stinks. But not literally, of course. That's the problem.) But worrying that it might be a kidney infection or something worse but not wanting to go to the doctor again but freaking out a bit after reading that if it were a kidney infection that I would need to be in the hospital immediately. Honestly, I would really appreciate your prayers. I'm clinging to prayer these days. Hoping that I can soon move on from stress to a bit more excitement.

2. Re: baby. I think we have settled on names. But just so that we don't have the comical and ever-changing baby name fiasco we did with Xochi... I think I might wait a while to share. I'm definitely not one to wait until the baby is actually here to reveal the name - I'm far too much of a blabber mouth for that - I just want to be a little more certain first. Even though I feel very certain now but well, you understand. To build a little excitement - both names start with "W."

I found these pictures on my computer and they made me smile.

Steele on a scooter ride with our neighbor.

3. We began some new adventures in our family this fall. The first is that Steele is now a Tiger Cub! It's turning out to be the perfect activity for him and for us. This is our first official kid activity - we chose it with much prayer and thoughtfulness and are excited. Especially because Steele is so excited.

The second is that I have started teaching the middle school Sunday school class at our church. My class is made up of four home-schooled, middle school boys. What could be cooler than that?! I made the comment to someone that I'll take four home-schooled, middle school boys over four public-schooled, middle school girls any day. Last week was our first week and the only student to show up was my 12 year old brother Gabe. We took our donuts to Starbucks and hung out there for a while. Hopefully I'll get to do my prepared lesson (which includes fire and candy) tomorrow morning.

Adia and Mr. B.

4. This fall, more than ever, I am so thankful that this season has arrived. For obvious reasons, like my less-than-ideal summer, but also because we have started full-swing into schooling. Both the kids and I are loving it. Steele and Adia are doing so well. There is something uniquely special about getting to be present for each new learning milestone and insight in their lives. It is a huge blessing to me and strengthens our relationships in ways I could not have imagined. And of course, fall would not be complete without it's pumpkin spice coffees and homemade applesauce - both of which I have already partaken of.

I guess that's it for now. I'm certain there was more I wanted to share when I started but it's gone. It's raining today. I find such comfort in the rain. Justin is on his way home from work for four days off. I think I'll knit as much as I can. I'm also going to go visit a friend who is in the middle of her own first trimester misery. In life, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that my own experience has allowed me to be sympathetic to others who are having challenging pregnancies. Because, sheesh! It's really surprising to me how many women are NOT sympathetic. But that's another post for another day... or maybe it's best if I just keep that rant to myself.

La Luchadora

La Violencia Negra

Black Violence


We had a little fun with the Mexican Wrestler Name Generator.
Xochi's was awfully fitting.
Try it! Tell me what you get.

Progress

Sort of....




Now to find a couple of chairs for the desk. I'll probably try and find a couple of thrifted ones but I'd really love to splurge on these or these. I also need to figure out what will go on the top shelf and maybe hang a couple cute (vintage?) educational posters over Steele's work area.

Anybody with a mac know the proper way to clean the screen?

Longer or Shorter?

Sorry for the terrible pic. Posting won over editing.

In pursuit of some more organization, Justin and I purchased 2 Lack shelves from Ikea. Originally, I was going to hang them to the right of the map but after thinking about it and realizing we really don't use the world map all that often yet, I've decided to move the map and hang the shelves above the desk. Plus, I think if I put them to the right, it all might look a little too crowdy. That's the technical term, of course.

So here's my dilemma: the shelves we purchased are a bit shorter than the desk. Perhaps just a tad bit narrower than the map. I'm wondering if I should return them and purchase ones that are a bit wider than the desk? Anyone out there with some design experience that might now? What's more pleasing to the eye? And please, I'm open to your thoughts even if you don't have design experience. I'm also worried that I might not even have enough stuff to fill up two long shelves.... and then will they look funny and bare? Thoughts?

Also, as a follow up to my last post and as a result of thinking about all your helpful comments - I've come to the conclusion that I don't necessarily have too much stuff... although we could all use some healthy purging from time to time, yes? The main problem, as far as I can see it, is that I don't have resourceful and logical places to put my stuff. Thus, the shelves and some new storage containers etc. But I have a goal... March 4th. On the to-do list: organize stuff, build kitchen benches, build bunks in closet for kids, paint bookshelf, find fixture for school room, move chandelier to bedroom, grow baby, find a name for said baby.

ps. Yes, there is always more to think about than shelves. ie. school planning, character building, birthing anxiety, etc etc but lately I only have the brain energy to think about shelves. If you want some good meat, be sure and visit my good friends Jodi or Stacy. They've been posting some great stuff lately. It makes me feel free to talk about shelves and just enjoy their meat.

Stuff

Just a quick post this morning because I'm feeling especially exhausted and nauseous. There is an "issue" that will not leave my brain though... so I'm dumping it here temporarily in hopes that someone out there might be able to impart some solace, empathy, tips? And at the very least, to be able to stop thinking about it for a little bit.

It is the issue of STUFF.

This is the current state of several areas of my house:

hat, apron, gift, Steele's money, paint sample, papers, 2010 Christmas cards
phonics readers, catalog, kitchen light, Xochi's jeans, money
fertility clinic info, tea, cds, pencil sharpener, seeds, mail etc etc

special card, Bible cds, necklace, tax stuff, Bible, sewing supplies, knitting needles,
external hard drive, coffee, jazzercise notes, hand salve, telephone,
receipt, air sprayer thingy, etc. etc. etc.

knitting supplies out of reach of little hands,
adoption tax stuff, sunglasses a friend's son left here, more cds, lint stroller, pencil sharpener
frame waiting for picture, non-functional ipod

Steele's shoes, miscellaneous toys, library book, advent notes
laundry, playmobile spear

sewing supplies, elastic thread, Netflix movie that they weren't supposed to send
since we downgraded, Knitpicks catalog, spring table runner,
National Geographic mag, Voddie Baucham cds

Do you see the trend here?? It's stuff!!! STUFF everywhere! Stuff that doesn't have a home, stuff that I want to keep, stuff I wish I could throw away, stuff that other people gave me, stuff I need to keep for a little bit, stuff that I'm working on, homeschool stuff, craft stuff, kid stuff, stuff that I left out, stuff that others left out. Too much stuff!!

It's driving me batty. I'm embarrassed by it. I'm irritated by it. I don't know what to do about it. I don't have the energy to do anything about it. It seems that every time I clear stuff off, it just piles back up again. And the worst thing? Sometimes I put stuff away and then when I need it, I can't find it again.

At the core of it all, though, is a desire to live simply. To have my life, my home and my brain uncluttered. To not live in excess, but to live contently. I do want my home to be warm and charming - I'm not a minimalist. But it is a difficult balance. Can you relate? A little? A lot? What have you done about it? What would you like to do about it? What do you do with all of it?

Fair Tips, Tricks and Favorites

It's that time of year again folks!! Fair time! Aside from Christmas, it's pretty much my favorite time of the year. Seeing friends, hearing the screams of the carnival riders, smelling all the yummy treats, walking through the animal barns, listening to the music... oh the nostalgia of it all. If you don't already have plans to go, make some now. And when you get there, head straight to the poffertjes stand and get yourself a plate (or two) of them.



I've been wanting to do this several years in a row but have never gotten around to it - so I think it's about time. After all, the fair is starting TODAY. Soo....Do you have a favorite at the fair? A special "secret" meal deal? A must-see but perhaps little-known event? I and my fellow fair lovers want to know about it.

Here are some of mine:

1. Lemonade - I just found out about this one yesterday via my friend Tricia who apparently found it out from Colleen. Evidently, if you buy one of those big 32 oz. lemonades (which I've never bought because, in my opinion, they cost too much money... $6, $7?) you can refill it again all week for only $2!! And get this - not only all week, but EVERY YEAR... if you save your cup. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I'm totally doin' it.


2. Grandstand Horse Events - Every afternoon and evening in the grandstand before the main shows there are horse events that we all love. Crazy eights races, chariot races, Clydesdale parades, horse competitions etc. It's really exciting and fun and I never knew about it until several years ago. We'll probably go a couple of times this week.


3. Chocolate Milkshakes - We found this one out from Colleen too... I'm starting to see a pattern here. Chocolate milkshakes from the Dairy Women. Justin gets one every night as we're leaving the fair. He doesn't drink milkshakes any other time of the year - just this one week. They're good.

So there's a start for you.

Please share all of your personal favorites in the comments section! We can't wait to hear!!

Oh yah!! And does anybody know about this $2 bill thing? Our friends from Ecuador shared with us this morning that apparently people save their $2 bills to spend at the fair. Is this true? Is there more of a story behind it?? We want to know.

Sowing and Reaping

Sowing....

Baby: 10 weeks

Reaping...

Contemplating cucumbers...

Grammy and Xo

Cucumbers, garlic, chiles

My mom filling jars

42 quarts

I won't bore you with all the details. But these two things are pretty much what I've accomplished over the last 10 weeks. The rest of my time has included a lot of nausea, weeping, anxiety, laying around moaning and carbs. "Anybody want toast for dinner?"

I wouldn't be honest if I tried to sound any cheerier. Things are looking up though. There is light at the end of this first trimester tunnel.

No News..

is good news!

At least in the this case.

I'm sorry I didn't update earlier but you see, being PREGNANT and all, I've been feeling a wee bit tired. And writing a facebook status update just takes so much less time than a blog post. Until I realized that I could keep this short too.

So the important details: My numbers are great. I'm 5 weeks along. I'm feeling great - not really nauseous at all. We have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for the 14th when we'll find out if it's twins or not.

Thank you for your prayers!!

I'll post more soon. Promise.

Steele's Bedtime Prayer

(as best as I can remember but I think this is almost verbatim)

Dear God,

We thank you for the babies in Mama's tummy. We ask that you would make them live. But whether they live or die, that's your choice. And we trust you to do what you want. But we hope they get to live. And we ask that you would give the doctor's wisdom to bring them out safely.

In Jesus' name, Amen.


There are so many things I loved about this prayer - it made my mama heart smile SO big. But my first thought was: That boy has some good theology!

Happy K.U. Day!

That's right folks. Today's the day I go get knocked up.

Crazy, huh?

I realized after I posted on facebook this morning that some of you might only read my blog - and surely I would appreciate as many prayers as we can get today. So, humbly, I ask that you might remember us at 3 p.m. PST.

Now, I truly don't mean to offend anyone by using the term "knocked up." Surely a bit of light-heartedness is in order for this bizarre circumstance, right? It's also a bit of an ode to our dear friend Mike who proudly announced some 10 or 11 years ago while we were leading worship together one Sunday evening that he had "knocked up his wife." I laughed. Others did not. I'm still laughing actually. Especially because he's done it 4 - or 5 - more times since. heh heh.

I'll let you know what I know - which isn't much. This morning the clinic will try and thaw two embryos that were frozen together. If those both survive thawing, those are the two they will transfer. If only one survives, they'll thaw the one single we have so that we can try and transfer a total of two.

At about noon, Justin and I will drop our kids off at Grammy and Groompa's and head down to Seattle. On the way, I am to drink 1.5 liters of water and take a couple of Valium. This is one part of the procedure that I would especially appreciate your prayers for. It might just be me, but for some reason the idea of medication intended to relax your muscles and a bladder full of water does not seem at all ideal. Add on top of that some progesterone shots which cause you to urinate more frequently? Certainly not ideal. So yes, prayers for self control are appreciated.

Once at the clinic I'm not sure of the details. We'll go into a special room that is climate and odor controlled. We were instructed to not wear fragrance aside from our normal deodorant - apparently embryos are especially sensitive to smells. And then they'll do the transfer. I'll let you know more about that later. For today and tomorrow I've been instructed to lay around and take it easy. For the next couple of weeks I think I am supposed to limit some of my activity and then on the 27th (the day before Steele's birthday) I will go in for my first blood test.

I'm feeling quite peaceful and well-rested. Surprisingly, I was able to sleep last night. We trust that God will bring just the right ones at just the right time. We are asking Him, even though we don't deserve an ounce of blessing, to preserve these little lives for His glory.

Stay tuned...

Things I Loved About Yesterday

1. Looking down the row at this girl as she sat in her movie theater booster seat looking so serious about the whole situation.

She's also very serious about birthday sundaes.

2. Trying to keep a straight face as this girl held my hand up over her eyes during the "scary" parts of Kung Fu Panda. To Adia, scary music = scary scene.


3. Visiting with my grandma, listening to her chat with Adia and seeing the two of them walking along holding hands on our trip down to the fertility clinic. Even the memory of it brings tears to my eyes.

Xochi outside on the morning of her birthday party.

A quick story about my grandma - Before Steele was born my grandma wondered aloud to me what it would be like to love an adopted child. I think she was nervous that it would somehow feel different. My grandma and I are very close and I appreciated her honesty and vulnerability at the time. After all, she was almost 80 years old and had not experienced adoption very often in her life. I think perhaps that is why it is so sweet to see how dearly and fully she loves my children now. Since then, she has often remarked at how wonderful it is to know and love them and shares with me how she tells her friends all about how beautiful adoption is. I could cry (and pretty much do) every time I see my kids running up the walkway to her house yelling, "Mimi!! Mimi! Hi Mimi!"


4. Hearing the doctor at the fertility clinic say that my uterus is looking "gorgeous" and scheduling an appointment to transfer those little babes next Thursday. (June 16) I'd say more about this topic but I'm still in shock.

To close, a cute little video of Xochi the day before her birthday. This shows her real personality - she is pretty much happy and fun 87% of the time.

Synthetic Hormones Make Me Whiny

I like using unrelated photos on my blog posts

At least in my head. I whine a lot in my head. And now, I might whine a little bit here.

I feel especially weepy this morning. It's such a terrible feeling. Hormonal emotions are not new to me. I've had my share of hormonal struggles over the years. But usually, they come for a couple of days and then they leave. Through experience, I've learned to deal with it and now the good days far outweigh the bad. I like it that way. Generally, during those one or two days every couple of months, I can logic away any irrational feelings but it doesn't seem to be working lately. Things that might normally bother me just a little bit are lingering in my mind. Some are big, some are small. The problem with these type of feelings it that they usually stem from something that is a reality but the medications I'm on blow them way, way out of proportion.

For example, this morning the topics I can't seem to stop thinking about are:

The fat on the back of my arms
Gaining weight
My lack of clothing for my larger, curvier self
The fact that my hair has not been cute for months
The clutter on my desk
I don't have any good boy names
My back still hurts
Remembering when I was young and my feet were soft
I have not knit in a very long time

These are just the small things that I'll probably momentarily stop thinking about once I start making breakfast for the kids.

But then there's:

If I have twins I will not be able to take the kids to the park for a picnic by myself like I did yesterday
If I have twins I'm going to get really humongous
Last night as I was walking to bed in the dark I thought, "If I have twins I won't get to sleep again for a very long time."
That darn IRS and their adoption credit reviews
I don't even have one good boy name, what if I...

And then just like that, mid-sentence - a divine intervention to my whine session. Xochi wakes up. I go into her room to get her and with two little elbows on a crib railing, a little brown chin resting on two chubby hands, a smile and a "Hi Mama!" - all seems better in my world.

Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for my next overly dramatic, hormone-induced blog post.

Still here...

Now that I'm feeling a little bit better I feel like I can sit down and gather my thoughts. The last week was pretty rough. I'm on a medication that suppresses my ovaries so they don't function. Basically, no ovaries = no hormones = major headaches + crazy, weepy emotions. I would sometimes have to squint at people when they were talking so I could focus enough through the headache to be able to process anything. It wasn't fun. So I decided to lay low for the week, take lots of naps, do as little as possible. I am so, so thankful that Justin was home through the hardest days and was able to pick up my slack. Love him. Thank you, Lord.

I went for an appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday and things are progressing as they should. For me, the best part of that was being able to start on some estrogen which = no more headaches! Hooray. I put the estrogen patches on last night and this morning when I woke up? The headache was gone. Phew! I talked to my mom on the ride home and was laughing a bit telling her I was so thankful to hear that my body was doing what it should - especially considering the fact that the M.O. for my body, in this area, is definitely to not do what it should. Ever. Kicking and screaming if you try to make it.

I've hesitated sharing all of this on my blog. Not that I don't want to share. If I knew you in person and saw you all face to face I would tell you everything. I'm just that way. This is not in my hands. It is not dependent on me. I still know, no matter what, that God brings the right children at the right time. HE alone is the one who plans families - as much as we think we are working at it, He has planned these things from the beginning of time. It is so good to rest in that knowledge. It's just that it's all so surreal to me still. Unbelievable at times. Like, do I dare voice it? Could this really be happening? You'd think I'd know it's real the moment I stick those darn needles into myself. But I suppose, just as I so often look at Steele, Adia and Xochi and think, "How in the world did you get here?! How did God's plans ever come about to bless me in such a way?!" ... I will always be in awe of life. And especially in awe of all of the creative and astounding ways God has brought life, these lives, to us.

June 9 is my next big appointment. As long as things are continuing as they should we will probably transfer the embryos in mid June. If you are a pray-er... please pray that God would preserve these little lives and that He would make just the right space for them in me. We'd really love to meet them.

The Right Woman for the Job?

Around my breakfast table this morning....

Steele: Are you gonna get a baby in your tummy?
Me: I hope so!

(keep in mind that this is not the first time we've had this conversation and I'm guessing it won't be the last)

Steele: Is that why you have to get shots?
Me: yup!
Steele: Ohhhh Adia, I hope you never have a baby so you don't have to get shots!
Me: Well, Adia probably won't have to get shots. Hopefully her body will work how God made it to work and she will be able to have babies without taking shots. Mama's body can't grow babies on it's own so that's why I have to take shots.
Adia: Well, you grew Xochi in your tummy.
Me: (shocked at this insight into Adia's little brain)
Steele: No, Chelsea did.
Me: No, Amanda grew Xochi in her tummy.
Adia: (Eyes widening and a smile spreading across her face) MY Amanda??!!
Me: No, a different Amanda.

Me (in my mind): Ohhh boy....

I'm really glad I can trust that God thought I was cut out for this job, because sometimes I find it awfully comical.

Next up: How to explain to people that the baby growing in your tummy is actually adopted...

Update

Isn't this a creepy photo? It has nothing to do with anything.

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to think of some way to update you all on the baby process. Maybe something deep? Maybe something funny? I even thought for a moment that I could tell you how I feel like the seven dwarfs all wrapped up in one - multiple personality dwarf maybe? Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy (allergies), Sleepy and let's throw in Weepy. That's pretty much me right now.

But I just couldn't come up with anything good. Maybe because at any given moment lately I feel like I could shut my eyes and fall asleep. Which is actually what I'm going to do as soon as I post this. Also, at any given moment, I feel like I could start crying. Do you know that feeling? Where you feel like you're on the verge of crying and you can just sort of feel it welling up in your chest and your throat? The thing is, I don't feel like crying over anything in particular, I just feel like crying.

All in all, it's not that bad though. Truly. I started birth control pills a week and a half ago to get my cycle on schedule. I start a different medication next week. Shots. In my stomach. Fun times. I've been trying to pace myself and my days. One thing at a time. A load of laundry here, a school lesson there. Taking purposeful, short moments to train my children, take a nap, lay out in the sun (on the two days we've had it this year) and read some things that feed my spirit. I've been avoiding people a little bit. Only because I'm a tad unpredictable right now. Even to myself. I also don't want to appear as though I'm complaining about anything. I know some people might think I'm looney for choosing this. It's hard to explain sometimes that we didn't choose it. God did. So it's just easier if I don't have to breach that topic.

Overall I have an overwhelming feeling of this all being very surreal. Ten years of being married, adopting 3 babies in 4 years, never trying and barely even thinking about fertility treatment and now here we are. It is still crazy to me. God crazy. Good crazy. The best kind of crazy.

A friend passed on this blog to me. If you're curious about the whole process of IVF or embryo adoption you might be interested to read it. The blogger is about where I am now if you go back to her posts from September '09. It's really interesting. I never knew. I still don't really know. I'm just doing what the doctor tells me to do. Checking off each day on my schedule calendar. Today: take a little red pill. Sunday and Monday: same. Tuesday: take little red pill, give myself a shot in the stomach.... until sometime in mid June: Take vallium, have doctor put baby inside me.

CRAZY!!!!

Making the Most of Things

According to Steele, this makes me the best mama ever and I get 300 kisses for it.

Maundy Thursday

we have legos on the brain at our house lately

Tonight our little chapel held their annual Maundy Thursday soup and bread service. It is one of my favorite nights of the whole year to celebrate with my church body. What is Maundy Thursday, you ask? You can find an explanation here on Wikipedia. We were not in the tradition of observing Maundy Thursday until we started going to the chapel, with it's historically Reformed liturgy and observances.

In between Xochi wetting her pants, me taking her to the car to change her and standing with her at the back of our fellowship hall trying to keep her from shouting, "poo poo!" "toy-wet" "Gammy!" "Soup!" and whatever other thing that happened to pop into her adorable little head, my pastor shared a truth in his short devotion that sprang fresh in me.

It was, basically, this: Christ died not only to reconcile us to God but also to reconcile us to one another. We see this in the picture of the last supper that is presented to us in scripture. We see Christ, Lord of all, stooping low in self-sacrifice to wash His disciples' feet. He humbled Himself out of love for them and as an example to us of how to love others.

Our pastor asked if anyone could share some practical examples of a feet washing equivalent in the church today. I didn't raise my hand but I thought about his question. I thought about how we, even in the church, value success and recognition. We want to defend ourselves and our righteousness. We are like the son who, unlike the prodigal, stayed and obeyed. We do everything "right" and then we seek our own glory for it as if we deserve it. Sometimes, we obey so we can say we're righteous instead of obeying because we love God and want to be in relationship with Him.

But this is not the example Christ set for us. Christ bent low, did the dirty job and became a servant so that we could be reconciled. I thought of a few relationships in my own life that need healing and reconciling. Sometimes I am tempted to say, "Well, I've done everything I can. I'm done. I guess I'll just have to move on." And yet, Christ died so that I could be reconciled to my brothers and sisters. If I am to be like Christ then I am to keep loving, keep humbling myself, keep serving, keep sacrificing and keep doing the hard jobs... even whenI get dirty in the midst of it.

I looked around the room at my church family tonight and was filled with gratefulness at the gift God gave me in them. A gift that could only be truly fulfilled through Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I am so thankful for this! In my own strength and wisdom, things can sometimes look hopeless. Yet, because of Christ, I can be reconciled to the church and can live in peace and unity with them. Because of Him, I am able to do the same with my husband and my children, my extended family, my co-workers, my friends (insert necessary relationship here). What grace!

It's Only Been 5.5 Years...

* updated!! Check out the link at the bottom before you make your final decision on the paint color*


...but I'm finally starting to decorate my bedroom.


I have to feel inspiration about these sorts of things, ya know?

And I finally feel inspired - by this picture that I bought for Justin laaaaaast (meaning last before last) Christmas and just now got around to framing and hanging.

Table Mountain, Mt. Baker WA - isn't it cool?

Do any of the rest of you ever feel like your home decorating happens mostly by accident?

Anyway...

Three bedspreads later and I found this lovely at our local thrift shop yesterday ($8.99!). And the velvet rust-colored pillows which I adore. See how the colors tie in to the picture?

The only problem is that now I'm not liking my blue walls. They do match the pic but I think it is too many different colors. Before I found the pink bedspread. (Did I mention that after I found it - for $8.99 - and then went to our chic little home dec store in town, I found a twin-sized one on consignment for $45. Booyah!!) I was going to do this painted wall paper from Jones Design Co. on the wall behind our bed in faint gold and I still really want to. My friend Kristen did it in her Manhattan apartment hallway and I think it looks even more fab. So now I'm thinking... wait for it.... light, light pink on the walls? Like almost a creamy white kind of light pink?? Like perhaps Magnolia or Pink Sea Salt from Martha Stewart? And then the gold stencil over the top. Or should I just do cream/white?

The other thing is that I ordered this poster and was going to hang it on my side of the bed.

Also cool, no?

But now I don't think it will look so good so I'm leaning toward one of these borings instead:



I wasn't going to show you the rest of the room yet but since I got this far I might as well.

My room is a mess... that's just the truth of it.

This little table's legs are going to get spray painted gold. I might replace the top with glass. If it doesn't cost too much $$$. I have a cool old mirror to hang over the top.


Would love to paint this dresser a dark bluish grey - Anvil Interior? Kerry Blue? Mariner Interior? and add brass pulls. But that will probably never happen. Just sayin.


And of course, as soon as I win the lottery, pay for my babies, buy all my organic food etc. I will find the *perfect* light fixture for the school room and I (Justin) will move this into my bedroom.


Thoughts? Paint preferences?

Don't you love how I always show you what I'm going to do in a room and then I never actually do it? Yah, me too.

* I realize that many of you have different taste than I do and that's fine. I can't do country blue and mauve... that's just me. But I think we can all get along, different decor tastes and all, right?

Before you click on the following link I have to tell you: I have been reading My Favorite and My Best for quite a while now. It is -by far- my favorite design blog EVER. BUT, she swears a lot and say/posts what many would consider inappropriate things. And she's awesome. And so talented. Consider that your warning.

* Pink Sea Salt in action.