Speaking Of...

Did you see this?!?!

I watch maybe a handful of times a year, but boy was I glad I did today.

Crying!!!

Be sure and go on to the next 3 pages.

You'll probably be glad if you skip the 4th though...

A Heavy Heart

My heart has been so heavy today. I have a whole myriad of feelings swarming around in my mind and heart - grief, sadness, anger, hope... I've gone 'round and 'round in my head about what I should share with all of you. I've also realized that anything I may tell you should really be backed by 3 or 4 years worth of details - but I really don't have the energy to get into all of that right now. So maybe later.

For now, I will tell you that we found out today that Steele's birth mother, Chelsea, gave birth to a little boy on Monday. Jordan Isaiah. He weighed 9 lbs 5 ounces and is 21 inches long. Since New Year's Eve when we found out she was pregnant we have been praying that she might place him with us. For a while I didn't even have the words to pray. I would just say, "You know, Lord. You know." After several months I felt moved to pray for God's mercy on this little one. He needs God's mercy. Even more now that he has been born into this sinful world.

I don't feel like I can or should fully share the details of this situation - just know that this babe's life does not look hopeful from our earthly perspective. Both his mother and his father have made some very poor decisions that are extremely far reaching. They reach into our lives and into our little Steele's life too as we will have to tell him someday about his brother and God's plans for each of them. We know God will give us the grace and wisdom needed but we never anticipated having to tell him these things. We had such hope for his birth mother - we love her dearly.

I have so much more I could say but I'm actually at a bit of a loss for words. In the midst of all of these feelings, though, I want to be clear about some things. I hope I don't sound harsh or contradictory but they are things I have learned and clung to over the last 6 years. I believe God made me human and has given me human emotion and even though I sometimes wrestle with sadness over sinful situations, these things still hold true:

1. We believe God is sovereign and that He ordains the good and the bad in our lives. We don't understand it but we believe it.

2. We believe God is the One who plans families - in His way and in His time. For some reason I have never looked at adoption as something charitable. When people say to me, "Oh, that's so good that you do that" I think to myself... "I didn't do anything. This is the way God planned to build our family. These are the children God chose to give us. He ordained me to be their mama since the beginning of time." Adopting our children was not some "last resort" because we couldn't conceive - this was God's plan all along. God didn't look down and say, "Oh no! Cutzi's not getting pregnant. Now what are we going to do?" I don't look at it as being any more charitable than having s%x with my husband and getting pregnant (although my husband might find that method pretty charitable ;-)

3. I have never and will never grieve for myself in these situations. My trust is in a good God - His plans are always best for me. I never doubt that. Not because I have somehow convinced myself of this but because God is who He says He is and does what He says He will do. He is faithful. My job is to obediently believe it. How could I have anything but joy when I serve such a faithful God?

4. I don't deserve or choose any blessing I have in my life. Therefore when I don't get something I have hoped for I can't be disappointed as if I deserved it or got to choose it.

5. I must choose to take joy in the blessings (the husband, children, home etc.) that He has already given me. To wish I had something more or different would be ungrateful. I once shared with Amy a thought I had about this point. I said to her... If you gave your child a slice of spice cake with apple pie filling and cream cheese frosting for his birthday and he turned to you and said, "Wow, this is a yummy cake but what I really wanted was chocolate with raspberry filling, chocolate frosting and sprinkles" and then he continued to cry over not getting it you would take it straight away and call him ungrateful. Now, I know it's not a perfect analogy but you get my point. If we focus so much on what we don't have that we overlook what we do have - we are in error.

So what am I praying for?

1. Clarity and wisdom for Chelsea
2. Mercy for little Jordan
3. Strength for Chelsea's family to continue in the hard things - to speak the truth in love

ps. And just in case you were wondering, now is not the time for anonymous critical comments... God, through the Holy Spirit and scripture, is faithful to teach me His truth. Praise Him for that.

Mama: We need more babies, Steele.

Steele: Yah, and I need a brother.

Mama: Yes you do, son. Yes you do.

I'm Exhausted.

The good news?

I made a heckofalotta money.

('Cause you know it's all about the money)

The bad news?

I ate like 7 pieces of pizza.

Not to Worry

There's one of you too Trina!

(thanks to Melinda... shout out to Melinda!!)

What Did We Do Today?

Well thank you for asking!

Just another day of Jazzercise paradin' bliss.
Thanks to Mike again for the awesome pics.
Well, except for the one of my dreaded genetic double chin...

You Might Be a Freaky Kid If...

..your parents make you do stuff like this.

Hot Doggin' @ the Beach

Adia complete with fat lip from falling down the back door stairs -
because she insists on going up and down them by herself.
She's such a bruiser.
It actually looks way worse now that it's all scabbed over.

Summer Lovin'

You know we're busy around here when you don't hear from me for a while. We've been busy with swim lessons, finishing our fence, preparing for a parade on Saturday, re-staffing all the positions of people who have quit on me in the last two weeks, going to the chiropractor! and getting ready for a big Jazzercise sale on Monday. We're also trying to fit in as much summer as we can before it starts to rain again. That's what you have to do here in the PNW. The summers here are beautiful - all 6 weeks of it. I also mailed Jodi's prize off today. Isn't that embarrassing? I don't even know how long it's been - too long. And actually, I lied. I didn't mail it. Justin did. 'Cause he does all the mailin' around here.

Here are some favorite pics as of late....

I Don't Believe in Telepathy but....

... this kid is freakin' me out!!



The first time it happened we were driving down the road on the way to swim lessons. No music, no talking... just silence. We passed an automotive shop where they had a sign flashing the words, "Are you prepared for driving in the summer heat?".. or something along those lines. I make note of it in my head and the next moment Steele says, "Mama, are you prepared?" "What son?" I say.

Are you prepared?

What did you say?

Are you prepared for driving mama?

Where did you see that?

I don't know.

Did you see that on the sign?

Yah.

So I call my mom.

Mom? I think Steele's a genius. I think he can read. I explain what happened.

And she says... Maybe it's telepathy.

But I don't believe in telepathy.

She says...Well, me either but that's weird.

Weird is right.

So then on Tuesday night we were driving out to the beach to roast hotdogs. Same situation. No music, no talking, nothing. We pass by a sign for a business of a man that goes to our church. Iverson Earthworks. I note it in my head. And a moment later from the back seat?

Iberson! Iberson! Iberson! Iberson!

I look at Justin.... He did it again!! That thing! He did it again!!

Creeeeeepy! That's all I have to say. Creepy.

Morgan Cole

Remember my cousin that I talked about in this post? Well, she has a new web site! Now, I know I'm a bit biased - but I happen to think she is an amazing artist. She's also an amazing person. If you live in the Portland area - be sure and check her out sometime.

She is a study in contrast for certain - she's married to a physicist.

One time I asked him what he did for a living. It was hard to concentrate through the glaze in my eyes and the fog in my brain. The sad part is that I was using every ounce of brain energy I had. I don't feel so bad though - if you ask Morgan what he does she says something like, "Um. He makes robots or something." HA!

We're enjoying the sunshine again today - we've been so blessed with it over the last couple weeks. I'm busy this week with Jazzercise stuff - preparing for a parade on Saturday and a huge one day sale on Monday. I also just got the new routine set today (we get around 30 new routines 5 times per year). Jazzercise instructors are always crazy excited to see all the new stuff - I'm having fun watching it while the kids are napping.

I don't usually promote Jazzercise here on my blog - but it really is so much fun and a fabulous workout. If you've never tried it you should definitely check it out sometime. And the best part is that it's world wide - there are bound to be some classes near you. Any age, any fitness level. Go here if you're interested. Tell them Cutzi in Washington sent you. ;-)

1:15 AM

Justin is going to be so thrilled to find out that Steele just peed on his side of the bed.

It's just about the word I would use to describe myself as I'm awake cleaning it up.

Just about.



Where did that boy's diaper go????


Update (2:15ish or later?): I am just laughing at this whole situation right now! Steele is standing next to the bed as I'm flipping the mattress and he says, "Is it all clean now mama?" I say, "Just about." And he says (doing a little marchy dance with his feet), "Oh. That's what I like to see!" At about the same time I hear Adia's baby doll giggling repeatedly from her room. Creepy. This is after Steele has
1. asked me to make some lemonade for him at 1:30 in the morning and
2. asked me if I could read some books to him before he goes to bed

Man this mama gig is a good one. Too funny!

Steele Says

After swim lessons while passing a little black boy with dreadlocks in his hair:

Look Papa! Look! That boy has an octopus on his head!


The boy's mom let out an amused giggle. Ours was more of a guffaw.

(who uses the word "guffaw" anyway? Only nerds with writing teacher moms like me, I think)

photos courtesy of Mike

Steele Says

After finishing his breakfast of Kashi cereal with mixed berries and milk:

(*yelling* from the kitchen to the bathroom)

Papaaaaa!! Can I have some bizzert now??

Um... sorry honey. That's uh.... probably going to be a no. No dessert after breakfast.

To the teenage lifeguard at the pool after he'd cried through the whole 1/2 hour of his lesson:

Bye!! Thank you for talking to me. I'll come back tomorrow and I won't cry.

Way to have a positive attitude there Steelio.

That boy seriously cracks me up.

Freaky. Congratulations.

See this harmless looking face?


It freaks me out when he talks in his sleep.

Anybody else's hub do this?

I also want to say a big, blessed congratulations to Jace and Jodi over at Billy and Green as they welcome their newest daughter, Maisie Jay, born on Wednesday! You might remember Jodi from here and here. She was my roommate in our pre-hub years and also the maid of honor in my wedding. I love her. And I'm also slightly jealous of her

"hotty-with-a-naughty-body-even-when-she's-pregnant" body.

Ok, a lot jealous.

But anyway...

Maisie's birth, combined with Steele's first "big kid" event - swim lessons tomorrow - got me thinking about this moment:



And this moment:



And what joy at this moment:



And how sometimes it's hard to remember this boy:











Oh Lord in your mercy, your time, your goodness - would you fill our home with these sweet ones?

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127: 3-5

As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
Psalm 103: 15-18

*Now can anybody in their right mind (because obviously I am not) please tell me how I got from freaky to Bible verses? Oh man. Gotta love a wacko. (I cannot get this off of italics!!!)

PS. I Hate This Book, too.

I first heard this story when I was in high school honors English. We were doing a storytelling unit and one girl had chosen it to read aloud. She made up a tune to go along with the song and I remember tearing up even as a young highschooler.

Now? Now that I'm a mama? I'm a blubbering fool.

Justin hasn't read it yet. When I suggested he read it this morning after working 144 hours in 12 days he declined my offer. He tends to be a blubbering fool at times too.

But then again, it seems I cry at almost all childrens' books these days.....

No Bake Cookies

I think No Bake Cookies are seriously my most favorite cookie ever. (evidenced by the fact that the batch I just made is almost gone - eaten almost entirely by yours truly... and why am I not yet a Fit Yummy Mummy???) For me, they're one of those foods that remind me of when I was a little girl. I first remember eating them at my cousins' house - at the house of my mom's brother Eugene John Pasinski II. His wife, who was the teeny tiniest most stylish lady ever, would make them all the time. I have the clearest picture in my mind of my cousin Morgan and I scraping them off the wax paper before they were all the way cooled, glopping the warm yummy goodness into our mouths.

My uncle and his wife had two children - Morgan, who is 11 months younger than me and is the most incredibly talented artist in Portland. And Sketch (Eugene John Pasinski III) who is 4 years older than me and is the most incredibly talented film maker in Studio City, CA. You can check out his short film here - it won an Emmy! My cousin Morgan did the artwork for it, of course.

My aunt, their mother, has since passed away. She died of a heart attack the year after I graduated from high school - she was too young. Every time I make these now, I think of her.

Aunt Leslie's No-Bake Cookies

2 c sugar
1/2 c milk
1 stick butter
1/2 c plain or chunky peanut butter (I always use plain)
4 Tbs cocoa
3 c oats
1 tsp vanilla

Boil: sugar, milk, butter and cocoa for 1 1/2 minutes (start timing when mixture comes to a full boil) Remove from heat. Add: peanut butter, oats and vanilla. Beat until blended. Drop by teaspoonful onto waxed paper to set and cool.


I think I'll go eat another one now.....

I Don't Even Know What to Title This

Sooooo.... this guy is my new chiropractor.

I am not even joking you.

I googled his name tonight so I could tell you all about him and that's what I found.

Seriously.

He does things like this:



and this:


to me.


Um. Yah. That's all I have to say about that.

And believe me when I tell you that Justin was *almost* as amused as I was when I woke him up just now to show him.


(photos courtesy of ??? I tried.)

P.S. I Hate Movies Like That!!

Have you seen this? I cannot watch movies like that!!!

Don't get me wrong... it was a great movie. But I have enough of these kinds of thoughts on my own. I was laughing and crying at every turn. I can't take it!

Now I'll have to go watch something more light hearted before I go to bed.

Right after I make some No-Bake cookies. You do, after all, have to have no-bakes with your tears.

On Buying a Bathing Suit

In response to Elizabeth Esther

In a questionable attempt to be funny, I left a seriously long "comment" to Elizabeth's latest post this morning. Since I tend to be awfully long winded but hopefully conscientious of others' blog space, I thought I would just delete it over there and post it here. Sorry Elizabeth... maybe you know this about me by now?

Anyway... I've had my share of bathing suit woes lately. Here's a glimpse.

note: There will not be a picture included in this post.

Ok Elizabeth.... I haven't even birthed babies and I still have a post-partum body. Speaking of "WTF???"...

While I appreciate your attempt to encourage the rest of us to a positive attitude in this whole bathing suit issue (you're doing a great job of it yourself btw) it's just not workin' for me. Your arguments are sound but your method is erroneous.

Now, I know you have 5 children and you probably barely even eeked out time to swing by Target for 1/2 an hour. And seeing as how you're buying a new house (and you have 5 children to clothe and feed) Target might fit into your budget quite perfectly (it does mine). But I am telling you - DO NOT go to Target to try and find a bathing suit. Or Kohls... and especially not Old Navy. You might, MIGHT, be able to find something at TJ Maxx - but the odds are not in your favor. Believe me. I know.

You are right that your children will not care, although when you ask them how you look they may respond with something similar to what my brother said to my mom once, "Are you supposed to look big or are you supposed to look small?"

Anyway, allow me to convince you:

1. The lighting in Target is awful. Even with 8 full hours of sleep it will still make you look like you have dark circles under your eyes. I won't even begin to tell you what it makes cellulite look like.

2. One is destined to be in a room next to girls as you described. But even worse, one might see their little 110 lb bodies carry in the exact same bathing suit you plan to try and squeeze your own body into.

3. Target bathing suit fabric isn't made to hold anything in - in fact, I'd bet it may have been made to do just the opposite.

4. If you do find a suitable suit - what you save in dollars, you could quite possibly lose in time grumping over it every time you have to put it on.

The solution to the problem of which I have yet to resolve myself? Land's End!

Every year I tell myself I'm going to buy one - and this year I am. I'm just going take an hour or so one evening, take all my measurements, spend the money and order myself the perfect suit... that I can try on in the comfort of my own bedroom surrounded by candlelight and soothing music (ok.. maybe not candlelight but certainly not florescent)

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Maybe I'll even post a picture of myself in it to go along with the gun show. Just for you. ;-)

Oh no!! I just went over to Elizabeth's blog to delete my comment... and I can't!! Oh the embarrassment of it all!

Oh They Say When You're Married In June

June 21, 2008

Steele's ring bearing debut and grand finale....

It's hard work being a "ring bear." Grrr.

The day was filled with such joy as these two came together before the Lord.
It was an honor to participate in their marriage celebration.
Congratulations Jon and Emily!
Now you get to "do it!"
(yes, I really did pass that message around the table to them in a folded note at their rehearsal dinner - 'cause I'm totally inappropriate most of the time)


This last picture is for my new bloggy friend, Rachel. That's her second from the right. Isn't she cute? I'd link to her blog if I actually knew where to find it. Post up Rachel!

We're Jammin'

Jammin' till the jam is through.

For some reason I don't think strawberry jam was exactly the kind of jam Bob was singing about.... but I've been singin' it since yesterday afternoon.

Monday morning strawberry picking...

Adia Moon was having a hard time being cheerful.

For some reason I love the foggy pictures of me filling the jars with all that yummy boiling jam. Even though Justin took some clearer ones, these ones seemed to capture how I felt as I was making it all. The plan was for Justin and I to make it together when the kids were napping. But somehow it got later and later and before we knew it Steele had woken up, I was on the phone starting the whole process and Jusin took Steele outside to sit in the wading pool. As I rolled up my sleeves and dug in I found myself thankful for the time and the experience to do it on my own.

It was hot. Around 90 degrees outside and probably even hotter inside. Definitely hotter in the kitchen. Somewhere in the middle of it all, sweat literally streaming down my face, I felt alive. I was giddy and smiling. It was real. It was nourishment - to my soul and to our bodies. And I loved it. The thought occurred to me of how good it felt to make and create something instead of constantly buy and consume everything. And the literal fruit of my labor? 24 jars of jam and 5 containers of freezer jam just waiting to be eaten up!