10 Things

Bump ~20 weeks

I was talking with a friend the other day and she challenged me to write down 10 things every day that I am thankful for. I don't know that I'll do it every day but it is definitely a good exercise for me during this time. Because folks, I am not a happy pregnant lady. I don't know if it's my endometriosis, all of the complications I've had or just that I am super sensitive to the changes that are taking place in my body - but I feel like I could lay in bed all day long. I feel uncomfortable all of the time - my stomach is so tight feeling, my bowels so... who knows what.. wrong feeling, and tons of pressure in my lower abdomen. I already walk like I'm 8 or 9 months pregnant because seriously - it hurts to walk! Some days I really wonder how I am going to make it through 20 more weeks. Just a guess here - but I'm thinking things are only going to get tighter and more uncomfortable. Just a guess.

Lately, this question has come up again in my life.

You must have really wanted to be pregnant?

And the honest answer to that?

Well, actually, no I didn't "really" want to be pregnant. I wanted more children. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord no matter what and I truly believe this is what He put in front of us. That's what I "really" wanted.

But I don't say that. Because that would be snotty. And I realize this is a sensitive topic. I realize there are people out there who would say to me, "Well, you should just be happy you're even able to get pregnant. Quit complaining." And I really don't have anything to say people who might say that because, well, they're where they're at and I'm where I'm at. And actually, I've been where they're at too - for 10 years - but that's ok. What I will say is that these things are not mutually exclusive. I am beyond thrilled to have another baby! (whose name may or may not start with "T" now) I am not thrilled to be feeling so miserable. I didn't expect to feel so miserable. I was hoping I would be one of those people who love being pregnant. But I'm not.

Add on top of that a trip to the hospital over the weekend from 11 - 2 a.m., bad sickness, a terrible cough that gives me shooting pains and makes me pee my pants and having to take antibiotics because women with previa and bleeding need to keep coughing to a minimum and well... things have been a tad stressful.

Which brings me back around to the 10 things. Here they are:

I am thankful for

1. My husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he is and all that he does for our family. In fact, I probably don't even fully understand myself what this is for him. All I know is that I wanted to punch our very nice and knowledgeable doctor in the face when she told me I should leave toys on the floor for my husband to pick up when he gets home and then gave Justin this sort of knowing, you-hear-that? kind of look. If she only knew! (You'll be happy to know I did not punch her in the face.)

2. My three beautiful children and how they love me and make me smile every day.

3. The ways that we are growing and maturing through all of this, even when it seems slow going.

4. That the Lord does not leave us alone. He is sovereign. He planned this. What would I do without that knowledge?

5. Friends who bring food, play with my kids and visit with me.

6. Being able to get out of the house at least every once in a while.

7. The BOY that is growing inside me and the anticipation of who he will be.

8. Friends who I know are FAITHFULLY praying for me, let me be honest with them and yet still somehow speak gracious, loving truth to me.

9. The resources to hire someone to clean our house and help care for our children.

10. Good news at our doctor's appointment this week - that my placenta has actually, miraculously moved up a little bit! (I had several providers tell me that with complete previa this was highly unlikely) Along with this, that my placenta looks thick, healthy and strong. (also a concern with complete previa) And that baby boy looks perfect so far. Hooray!

Now to adjust my brain to the fact that I might have to prepare simultaneously for either a scheduled c-section or a vaginal delivery - if the placenta continues to move up... because honestly, I was at peace with just knowing that a c-section was the way I'd have to go. This new news has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm getting used to the loops.... (which really, you'd think I'd have learned that after three adoptions which are full of nothing but loops)

A Day

Whew.

What a difference a day makes.

Justin and I decided on Thursday night that I should call my new OB (who I have not seen yet) to verify that I should still remain on bed rest. It's kind of a long story but basically, the GP I was seeing put me on bed rest almost three weeks ago, transferred me to an OB (with no explanation to me) and then I never heard from anyone again. At that point my OB appointment was still a week and a half away.

So I put a call in on Friday to the OB's office and heard back from two very friendly and helpful nurses. After speaking with the doctor, the second nurse explained to me that they usually only put women with complete previa on bed rest if they are having bright red spotting. To which I replied, "Well... I haven't had any bright red spotting. I've only ever had light, brown spotting."

"Hmmm... really?" she said. "We thought that's why you were on bed rest."

Uh.. no.

So the nurse told me to resume some normal activity this weekend and see how I feel. She said to call immediately if I have any bright red. As you can imagine, I am SO glad I called. I already felt so much better yesterday. Both emotionally and physically. I'm still being careful and want to talk to the doctor more extensively on Wednesday but really, what a difference a day makes. My gut is a little more tame, my body is not aching and while we were out at dinner last night and visiting with my grandma, I barely noticed the lower belly pressure and discomfort I've been feeling for days. I don't know if it was actually less or if I was just distracted enough to not notice it but either way - it felt great!

I'm leaving all of our care help in place for now - until we find out some more information from the obstetrician. The reality is that most women with complete previa experience some sort of spotting, many even have heavy bleeding, throughout their pregnancy. I want to do everything I can to avoid that and avoid complete bed rest again if at all possible. (Because have I mentioned? It sucked.) I'll have to find some balance. This morning my balance was deciding that Halloween decorations can wait since they're down in the basement and Justin isn't here to help me. Trust me, my mind started reeling with a flurry of all of the possible fall activities, crafts and yummy-ness I've been dreaming of... but I quickly reined myself in. More knitting, less baking. More snuggling with kids and books, less pumpkin hunting. More on-line shopping, less frantic 11th hour making of Halloween costumes...

If you've signed up to help us out please know how humbled and thankful we are for your care for us. Hold tight for now and I'll keep you posted on our needs. Our families have been very gracious to help us hire help for both the children and house keeping. My best guess at this point is that we'll continue with that but probably won't need meals and volunteers. PRAYING that is the case!

Ps. I'm already second-guessing my baby names.

PPs. Please, please, please accept my apology if you're offended by the phrase "it sucked." I realize this is kind of a generationally accepted term. (I don't think generationally is a word..) But sometimes, you know, you just gotta use a curse-y type word. Rest assured grammies out there - I don't say it around my children. Just to my best bloggy friends.

PPPs. How could I have forgotten??!! Probably because I started writing this, got my kids dressed and dropped off at church and then came back to it. THANK YOU, thank you for your wonderful, beautiful comments on my last post. I sat and read them over and over again and CRIED. God used your words and your prayers to strengthen me that day.

Gut Gone Wild

And other random thoughts to enhance your day.

1. My gut has gone wild. In many, many awful ways that I won't go into... for now.

2. I have a whole new respect for Michelle Duggar and her 19 pregnancies. I loved her before but now, she may have achieved saint-hood in my heart.

3. I am only 18.5 weeks along and my insides feel like they are going to explode out of my super-tight, stretch-rebelling skin. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

4. Justin and I are trying to think of creative ways to get me OUT of this house. Like wheel-chairing around the mall. I'm desperate.


Ok... I just read this back to myself and have decided I'll stop there. It sounds really depressing. The reality is that I'm having a very hard time. Please pray for me, friends. Pray for my emotions and my mental well-being. The details feel a little raw to share here publicly, but some days I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next months.

Fortunately, our home is never without some comic relief to lighten things up. I'll leave you with the best from today so far.

Steele: Adia, be quiet.

Me: Steele, why did you just tell Adia to be quiet? That didn't sound very nice.

Steele: Well, she just says the rudest things to me ALL. DAY. LONG.

Me: Really? What did she say?

Steele: She said, "Steeeeele!" (with a little rise in intonation at the end)


Wow. How dare she!

(Also, I've never thought much about it before, but I would really love to know who I'm sending these random thoughts out to in blogland. If you're a lurker - leave me a comment. It would make my day.)