Adjusting

For almost two weeks now, our family has been adjusting. Adjusting our thinking, our emotions, our "plan", our activities. This adjusting came after we found out on January 2nd that my placenta had adjusted itself. Adjusted itself far away from and out of the way of my cervix.

I haven't shared this news publicly before now because, quite honestly, I have felt very emotional about it and wasn't certain I was prepared to deal with peoples' varied responses. To be even more honest, I'm still not certain I'm prepared to deal with them. I did realize though, that I would have to say something because February 10th (my scheduled c-section date) would come and go and we would have no baby boy. I figured people might wonder. Just a little bit.

I suppose I should back up a bit for some of you. On December 18 I went in for my regular appointment and ultrasound. At that appointment my doctor looked at me and said, "So you know this thing's not moving right? (meaning my placenta) Are you ok with that? Are you ok with a c-section?" I told him I was - and I really was - so we went ahead and scheduled it for February 10. I felt a certain amount of peace about it, especially because until this point, my pregnancy has been filled with so many complications and uncertainties. Finally, something concrete to look forward to and rest in. I felt comfortable with my doctor. I was grateful for the technology that was very certainly saving my life. (Before c-sections were available, 99% of women would die from complete previa.) And even though there were some possible hurdles with delivering a little early I didn't feel they were insurmountable hurdles.

So imagine my disbelief when, just a few weeks later on January 2, the ultrasound tech looked at me with shock on her face and said, "I'm sorry but I'm totally tripping out right now. Your placenta is completely out of the way of your cervix. I have never seen this happen before." All I could do was laugh a nervous laugh and shake my head. I've had a lot of people say to me nonchalantly over the course of my pregnancy, "Oh.. I had previa too. It moved out of the way and I was fine. It usually does." I would just smile politely and nod or just not comment back on facebook because the truth is, not all previas are the same. Complete previa is way different than partial or marginal previa. After 30 or so weeks, complete previa doesn't correct. Unless, of course, you are me and have a c-section scheduled and your ultrasound tech says to you, "This is like a miracle" and all you feel like doing is crying.

So here I am. I am slowing readjusting my thinking and my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can very logically see why this is great news. My pregnancy hormones and emotions have not been as compliant as my logic though. The benefits (possible natural childbirth, more developed baby, less chance of complications, less recovery time, prenatal yoga, exercise, the MOUNTAIN, etc.) are starting to outshine the hard parts (being pregnant longer - my due date is March 3, being uncertain about the delivery and the doctor, possible natural childbirth - yes, this is on both the pros and cons list). But it's been hard. For the first week I cried a little bit almost every day. Like I said, I also didn't feel ready for peoples' excited reactions when I was still trying to process it all. I think just about every woman who has been pregnant can understand at least a little bit of what I've been feeling - but not always. Especially women who have really enjoyed pregnancy. I am so thankful for my husband who held me and said, "I know you. I understand you. You just stick close to me. You don't have to tell anyone yet." And little by little I have felt better and the shock has worn off. I think I was also a little worried that people would expect me to jump up and into all my normal activities again when the truth is, I still feel pretty miserable most of the time. I am very happy to report though, that the extra activity I have been allowed has helped how I feel. I don't feel so tight or sore and being able to get outside and walk (as much as I can in my third trimester) has done wonders for my outlook.

This is getting long so I should probably stop here. Before I end I want to say that above EVERYTHING, I trust the Lord. With every aspect of my life. The fact that my human brain and hormones are fickle does not change the fact that He is sovereign. Everybody else was surprised at this news. He was not. He knew what He was doing the whole time. I may never see the full picture - I may never know why He wanted me with an OB and not with a midwife at the birth center. And that's ok. I am so thankful to know that our family is not outside of His constant care, direction and oversight. While it may have been challenging, He has been very clear in His direction to us over the last 33 weeks and beyond. So when I have uncomfortably restless nights like I did last night, when I begin to wonder about all the details and how everything will go I preach to myself: I trust you, Lord. I trust you because you are worthy of trust. You are my peace.

Things I Don't Want to Forget

Winter 2012 Edition

Finding pictures of Steele's lego creations on my camera

How Steele thinks my spicy pico de gallo is the best ever

Cheesy grins on Xochi's first ski day of the season

Had to come back and edit..
how could I have forgotten Xochi's self-cut bangs??

This picture my husband took of the french toast he secretly ran
and got me just because I was craving it.
Even though he thinks gluten is evil.
(So do I except, apparently, during pregnancy..)

Happy kids on the first snow day of the season.




My ready-for-church-33-weeks-pregnant-self.
Even if I do have chipmunk cheeks.
Evidently, the only things that expand on me during pregnancy
are my ankles, my belly and my cheeks.
My thighs have mysteriously shrunken - no joke.


Xochi with her little two and half year old voice,
chubby body and pink princess jammies
watching chickens out the window.

Ahhhh...

That's me. Sighing a sigh of relief. Today feels a little better. Yesterday, by 8:30 in the morning, I had already driven through Starbucks and McDonalds and I may or may not have had tears streaming down my cheeks. But today? Today I feel more emotionally stable. My hormones feel more under control. I'm more rested. I've eaten healthy food. I have discomfort but no pain. I feel like I can manage my childrens' behavior more patiently and consistently. For this moment, at least. God's grace for today. I'm thankful for it. I'm going to make good use of it.

After the drive-through incident my husband came home. He always makes things better. We went and got our Christmas tree in the afternoon. Aside from a little crying breakdown in the car when I was ravished and could not find food (Yes, this is a true story. I was irrationally crying because I was hungry. I knew it was irrational, I kept telling myself that and still, I could not stop crying.)... we had a great time. We always go with my parents and my grandma comes along. We found our tree quickly. Not the most stunning tree we've ever had but I still love it. We took some beautiful photos. We went to dinner and came home to a clean house courtesy of Pam the house cleaner who our families have so generously helped to pay for during this time. We decorated while the Polar Express played in the background. It was good.

The sun is shining into my Christmas house today. When I'm done here I'm going to finish my coffee, school my children, direct a thorough bedroom cleaning and then perhaps relax with some knitting and crafts for the rest of the day.

Hunting

Loving (after some sister strangling..)

Smiling

Great-grandma-ing

Topping

Honoring

Enjoying

Creating

Shining

Brightening

Bah.

I feel crummy. Most of the time. All day long. CRUMMY! Miserable. Uncomfortable. Grumpy. And I am a ball full of tightly wound hormone-induced emotions that unravels at the most unbecoming times. You think I'm kidding. Over-exaggerating? I'm not. I have very little patience or grace for anyone in my life. Mostly, family members. Except for my husband who, oddly enough, I have grown more in love with over the past months. Maybe because I am so deeply dependent on him right now and because he has been a ROCK. A rock, I tell ya. And then, I am so frustrated and ashamed by my responses toward people that I become irrationally upset about them. It's a bad, bad cycle. I've decided that perhaps the safest method of dealing with all of this might just be to stay away from everyone for the next 10 weeks. (Which is the count-down to my probable c-section.. many hurrahs!) With Christmas and gatherings fast approaching, though, this might be near impossible. I wonder if they would believe Justin if he told them I flew to Mexico?.. Hmm....

And baby names.. Don't even get me started on baby names. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps the only reason I was ever able to fully commit to the prior 3 was because I was not pregnant while trying to decide. I think we've fully committed to three already. Announced one. And now I'm not so sure again.

So that's how I'm doing. In case you were wondering. Did I mention that pregnancy also seems to have affected my filter? Way more honest than I probably should be. Most of the time.

Fortunately, through everything, I have not lost my ability to be thankful for things. Namely, my children. And the anticipation of getting to meet a new one soon. They are just about the purest bright spots of my day. They make me laugh and smile. (and cry) So I thought I would share the thing that gave me the biggest smile and chuckle this past week. Adia Moon and the Papa went for their first day of skiing. I'm not allowed to go up to the mountain this year so Justin has to take each child separately. So far, Adia is our most courageous skier, directing Papa to "please let go" of her so she can ski whole runs by herself. Her papa couldn't be more proud or excited. Gotta love that girl's chutzpah. Most of the time...

Adia Moon (4 yrs old)

This one made me laugh the most for some reason.
I think because of the way she just stares at him when he says "French fries, not pizza."

10 Things

Bump ~20 weeks

I was talking with a friend the other day and she challenged me to write down 10 things every day that I am thankful for. I don't know that I'll do it every day but it is definitely a good exercise for me during this time. Because folks, I am not a happy pregnant lady. I don't know if it's my endometriosis, all of the complications I've had or just that I am super sensitive to the changes that are taking place in my body - but I feel like I could lay in bed all day long. I feel uncomfortable all of the time - my stomach is so tight feeling, my bowels so... who knows what.. wrong feeling, and tons of pressure in my lower abdomen. I already walk like I'm 8 or 9 months pregnant because seriously - it hurts to walk! Some days I really wonder how I am going to make it through 20 more weeks. Just a guess here - but I'm thinking things are only going to get tighter and more uncomfortable. Just a guess.

Lately, this question has come up again in my life.

You must have really wanted to be pregnant?

And the honest answer to that?

Well, actually, no I didn't "really" want to be pregnant. I wanted more children. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord no matter what and I truly believe this is what He put in front of us. That's what I "really" wanted.

But I don't say that. Because that would be snotty. And I realize this is a sensitive topic. I realize there are people out there who would say to me, "Well, you should just be happy you're even able to get pregnant. Quit complaining." And I really don't have anything to say people who might say that because, well, they're where they're at and I'm where I'm at. And actually, I've been where they're at too - for 10 years - but that's ok. What I will say is that these things are not mutually exclusive. I am beyond thrilled to have another baby! (whose name may or may not start with "T" now) I am not thrilled to be feeling so miserable. I didn't expect to feel so miserable. I was hoping I would be one of those people who love being pregnant. But I'm not.

Add on top of that a trip to the hospital over the weekend from 11 - 2 a.m., bad sickness, a terrible cough that gives me shooting pains and makes me pee my pants and having to take antibiotics because women with previa and bleeding need to keep coughing to a minimum and well... things have been a tad stressful.

Which brings me back around to the 10 things. Here they are:

I am thankful for

1. My husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he is and all that he does for our family. In fact, I probably don't even fully understand myself what this is for him. All I know is that I wanted to punch our very nice and knowledgeable doctor in the face when she told me I should leave toys on the floor for my husband to pick up when he gets home and then gave Justin this sort of knowing, you-hear-that? kind of look. If she only knew! (You'll be happy to know I did not punch her in the face.)

2. My three beautiful children and how they love me and make me smile every day.

3. The ways that we are growing and maturing through all of this, even when it seems slow going.

4. That the Lord does not leave us alone. He is sovereign. He planned this. What would I do without that knowledge?

5. Friends who bring food, play with my kids and visit with me.

6. Being able to get out of the house at least every once in a while.

7. The BOY that is growing inside me and the anticipation of who he will be.

8. Friends who I know are FAITHFULLY praying for me, let me be honest with them and yet still somehow speak gracious, loving truth to me.

9. The resources to hire someone to clean our house and help care for our children.

10. Good news at our doctor's appointment this week - that my placenta has actually, miraculously moved up a little bit! (I had several providers tell me that with complete previa this was highly unlikely) Along with this, that my placenta looks thick, healthy and strong. (also a concern with complete previa) And that baby boy looks perfect so far. Hooray!

Now to adjust my brain to the fact that I might have to prepare simultaneously for either a scheduled c-section or a vaginal delivery - if the placenta continues to move up... because honestly, I was at peace with just knowing that a c-section was the way I'd have to go. This new news has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm getting used to the loops.... (which really, you'd think I'd have learned that after three adoptions which are full of nothing but loops)

A Day

Whew.

What a difference a day makes.

Justin and I decided on Thursday night that I should call my new OB (who I have not seen yet) to verify that I should still remain on bed rest. It's kind of a long story but basically, the GP I was seeing put me on bed rest almost three weeks ago, transferred me to an OB (with no explanation to me) and then I never heard from anyone again. At that point my OB appointment was still a week and a half away.

So I put a call in on Friday to the OB's office and heard back from two very friendly and helpful nurses. After speaking with the doctor, the second nurse explained to me that they usually only put women with complete previa on bed rest if they are having bright red spotting. To which I replied, "Well... I haven't had any bright red spotting. I've only ever had light, brown spotting."

"Hmmm... really?" she said. "We thought that's why you were on bed rest."

Uh.. no.

So the nurse told me to resume some normal activity this weekend and see how I feel. She said to call immediately if I have any bright red. As you can imagine, I am SO glad I called. I already felt so much better yesterday. Both emotionally and physically. I'm still being careful and want to talk to the doctor more extensively on Wednesday but really, what a difference a day makes. My gut is a little more tame, my body is not aching and while we were out at dinner last night and visiting with my grandma, I barely noticed the lower belly pressure and discomfort I've been feeling for days. I don't know if it was actually less or if I was just distracted enough to not notice it but either way - it felt great!

I'm leaving all of our care help in place for now - until we find out some more information from the obstetrician. The reality is that most women with complete previa experience some sort of spotting, many even have heavy bleeding, throughout their pregnancy. I want to do everything I can to avoid that and avoid complete bed rest again if at all possible. (Because have I mentioned? It sucked.) I'll have to find some balance. This morning my balance was deciding that Halloween decorations can wait since they're down in the basement and Justin isn't here to help me. Trust me, my mind started reeling with a flurry of all of the possible fall activities, crafts and yummy-ness I've been dreaming of... but I quickly reined myself in. More knitting, less baking. More snuggling with kids and books, less pumpkin hunting. More on-line shopping, less frantic 11th hour making of Halloween costumes...

If you've signed up to help us out please know how humbled and thankful we are for your care for us. Hold tight for now and I'll keep you posted on our needs. Our families have been very gracious to help us hire help for both the children and house keeping. My best guess at this point is that we'll continue with that but probably won't need meals and volunteers. PRAYING that is the case!

Ps. I'm already second-guessing my baby names.

PPs. Please, please, please accept my apology if you're offended by the phrase "it sucked." I realize this is kind of a generationally accepted term. (I don't think generationally is a word..) But sometimes, you know, you just gotta use a curse-y type word. Rest assured grammies out there - I don't say it around my children. Just to my best bloggy friends.

PPPs. How could I have forgotten??!! Probably because I started writing this, got my kids dressed and dropped off at church and then came back to it. THANK YOU, thank you for your wonderful, beautiful comments on my last post. I sat and read them over and over again and CRIED. God used your words and your prayers to strengthen me that day.

Gut Gone Wild

And other random thoughts to enhance your day.

1. My gut has gone wild. In many, many awful ways that I won't go into... for now.

2. I have a whole new respect for Michelle Duggar and her 19 pregnancies. I loved her before but now, she may have achieved saint-hood in my heart.

3. I am only 18.5 weeks along and my insides feel like they are going to explode out of my super-tight, stretch-rebelling skin. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

4. Justin and I are trying to think of creative ways to get me OUT of this house. Like wheel-chairing around the mall. I'm desperate.


Ok... I just read this back to myself and have decided I'll stop there. It sounds really depressing. The reality is that I'm having a very hard time. Please pray for me, friends. Pray for my emotions and my mental well-being. The details feel a little raw to share here publicly, but some days I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next months.

Fortunately, our home is never without some comic relief to lighten things up. I'll leave you with the best from today so far.

Steele: Adia, be quiet.

Me: Steele, why did you just tell Adia to be quiet? That didn't sound very nice.

Steele: Well, she just says the rudest things to me ALL. DAY. LONG.

Me: Really? What did she say?

Steele: She said, "Steeeeele!" (with a little rise in intonation at the end)


Wow. How dare she!

(Also, I've never thought much about it before, but I would really love to know who I'm sending these random thoughts out to in blogland. If you're a lurker - leave me a comment. It would make my day.)

Still Resting

Although a little more fully now. As of Sunday afternoon, my doctor put me on more complete bed rest.

The bump. The headless pregnant lady. (You know how it is. Bad hair. No make-up.)

It's hard. Physically, emotionally, relationally, logistically, parentingly... pretty much all the lly's you can think of. Please pray for us when you remember.

I am truly humbled and grateful for the ways our friends and family have helped us this week. Meals, visits, new clothes (thanks, Mom!), e-mails checking in. I especially appreciated a friend dropping a meal by yesterday who brought her sweet 2 month old. It was good to remember what it's like to hold a sweet smelling newborn.

I'm 17.5 weeks. At this point, we have no idea how long this bed rest could last. We're praying for the best but, as time has gone on, we're also trying to think practically about preparing for the long haul.

I wanted to clarify a bit about what exactly is going on. I have complete previa. This means that my placenta is completely covering my cervix. There are many different levels of previa but this complete previa isn't as likely to correct and is a little riskier. A lot of women have previa and don't even know about it. The fact that I've been cramping and spotting is more concerning.

I hope I don't offend anyone when I say this, but please oh please don't leave me comments saying things like, "But it will all be worth it in the end" or "You're doing the most important job there is right now." For some reason, could be hormones, these phrases don't make me feel any better. A simple, "That must be really hard... (scary, sucky, etc.) I will be praying for you" is really helpful and lets me know you recognize how I'm feeling. And how I'm feeling is that I have 4 other people in my life that God has given me to love and serve and right now I can't do those things very easily or well. The other truth is that we really don't know how things will turn out in the end and sitting around on the couch really isn't my most important job. My most important job is to trust God and His sovereignty and rest in the fact that my faithful God, for whatever reason, has chosen this path for us. My job is to glorify Him and serve Him in the midst of it. *Please don't worry if you've already said one of those things to me. I'm not offended... I'm just not sure I can handle hearing it again. You know, the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing.

This is the only thing I know for sure:

What is thy only comfort in life and death?

That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him. (from the Heidelberg Catechism)

Rest

This picture makes my belly look comically larger than it really is.
I had to share it with you.

Those are my orders. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and quite honestly, he didn't tell me much of anything I didn't already know. He commented that it really is amazing how many of these situations correct themselves by the time of delivery, which I was encouraged to hear. He also put me on partial bed rest. I think his exact words were to be "really lazy" and "no going to the grocery store or vacuuming." When he said that I thought to myself how many of my normal, daily activities are just as or more strenuous than vacuuming or going to the store. Because really, I would consider those two of my lighter activities... I'm still having cramping and spotting so he said he wants me to take it easy for a few days and see if it stops and if it doesn't, he'll put me on strict bed rest until it does. The reality is that when I'm lying down, the cramping stops. When I get up, even to make myself something to eat, it starts again.

The other glaring reality is that somebody in our family has to work. You know, so we can do things like.. eat and have running water. Luxuries, really. ;-) Justin came home from work early on Wednesday because of all that was going on. (I don't think I mentioned that Steele and Adia both had fevers, headaches and nausea on Wednesday and were miraculously better on Thursday..) Justin took today off and we are hoping that the majority of this will subside and he'll be able to go back on Sunday. I decided that the best plan, in order to have the highest chance of him being able to do that, is to be as inactive as possible. If strict bed rest is a possibility on the horizon, I'd rather just do it now when Justin is already home. Does that make sense?

Hopefully, by now, you know me a little bit. I'm honest. Often to my detriment. I wouldn't be being honest now if I didn't say that I feel pretty discouraged. Please understand when I say this that I am VERY grateful that little babe is healthy and doing well. I am able to put things in perspective and know that this is what matters most. The discouraging part is that I am only 16 weeks along. I am trying my best to not think about tomorrow or what the future may hold or if I might have to go on bed rest again by the time this baby is born. (Matthew 6:34)

So that's where we're at. On the couch, in bed, at the computer. After reading Nie's blog yesterday I think I might have Justin take me for a drive.

Your prayers. I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I have been for so many peoples' prayers, stories, encouragement... I know a lot of people don't like facebook (especially my 82 year old grandma) but it has been a blessing to me during this time. It has been a way for me to connect with my friends and other mamas when I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. Reading what others are up to and communicating with my friends daily has helped me to not feel so isolated.

One wise friend also gave me this encouragement yesterday which I was very thankful for. I thought it might encourage some of you as well in whatever you might be struggling in.

Even if you feel more comfortable turning inward and focusing simply on your family with your energy (not blogging, etc) make sure that you invest yourself in praying for and seeking out the prayer needs of others. It helped me tremendously to get out of my own situation in my head and carry the burdens of others in prayer while I was struggling so much emotionally with my own condition.