Some Answers

Part 2

In Justin's words, for the last 6 months, I "haven't been quite" myself. If you'll remember, in the fall, most of my little crew came down with the swine flu. Oink. Then in January (January 16th to be exact - I remember because I was at my niece's birthday party), around the time I tried my first elimination diet, I got sick again. I had had some sort of flu-like virus which turned into a cold. I started coughing and well, long story short - 6 months, more colds, not-myself-symptoms and a couple of doctor's visits later, I am still coughing. 6 months! No joke - I've been coughing for six months.

In my mind, coughing for six months =

Cancer

Because well, in my mind, any sort of odd feeling, pain or symptom =

Cancer

(See previous posts on anxiety, fear, etc.)

Fortunately for me - so far, nothing has turned out to =

Cancer

I'm just trying to give you a feel for how often this little brain of mine goes straight to =

Cancer

Please, please believe me when I say that I am in no way, whatsoever making light of this subject.

What I am saying is that I am certain I think about

Cancer

way more than anyone should.


So back in March I go to see my very dear conventional doctor - who also goes to my church - and tell him I have been coughing for (at that time) three months and that I'm worried I might have... you guessed it....

Cancer

Without making me feel too terribly stupid, he chuckles a bit and tells me I probably don't have... you know... *it* in much the same way he told me at the end of May last year that I was not having a heart attack but wondered if I might be under just a teensy bit of stress? preparing for Xochi to arrive and wondered if I could maybe, just maybe, be experiencing some anxiety because of it? Um. Maybe. Just a little bit.

Ok. My bad. Not a heart attack either.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this he also mentions that I have low vitamin D levels and that I should start taking a supplement. Evidently, that bit of information goes in one ear, sits for just a moment, and then heads straight out the other ear. That is, until I go back to see him a few weeks ago because now I have been coughing for six months and it's really starting to get annoying.

First, he says that it seems I might have asthma and prescribes an inhaler.

Next, after I tell him I haven't gotten around to getting a vitamin D supplement yet, he explains to me again - this time a little more thoroughly.

Basically, Cutzi, a good vitamin D level is 30. I treat people complaining of vitamin D deficiency symptoms at levels of 18-20. You're at an 8. Out of the thousands of people I see, I might have 5 -at the most- with levels that low. And you're one of them.

8!!! Eight!!!

So basically, Dr. D, what you're tellin' me is that I need to start taking some viatmin D?

Then I go home and research vitamin D deficiency symptoms and here is what I find:

(among other more severe problems that I won't get into but you can probably guess at *ahem..cancer....cough, cough*)

Colds and flu
Periodontal Disease and Cavities
Depression
Anxiety
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Osteoporosis
Asthma
Muscle weakness and non-specific types of aches and pains
Fatigue
Nausea Vomiting and Diarrhea


Believe it or not, this was good news to me.

The next thing I did? Went straight out and bought myself a big 'ol bottle full of Vitamin D3.


To be continued....

Some Answers

Part 1

Quite a bit has happened since my Dear God post. Most of it encouraging, some of it disheartening.

I wish I could explain my struggles more specifically, but it's difficult. I am very much aware that some may call my questions a lack of faith - and that may very well be so. I realize that, unless one has struggled with anxiety or depression, it is difficult to understand. I don't know how much of this I've written about before, so I'll give a brief overview.

I have a chronic disease. It's called endometriosis. It's really hard for me to type that and even harder for me to say. But sure enough, if you google it, you will see that endometriosis is just that. It's an autoimmune disease - which in short, means that it pretty much messes with my entire body. There is no cure for it and no cause has been found. A surgeon who took out some large blood-filled cysts on my ovaries a few years ago and got a close look at my uterus told me that I have stage 4. That's on a scale of 1-4.

The short list of what it does to me is this:

So far, infertility. Although it is not proven that women with endo can't ever get pregnant.
Estrogen dominance (and all the hormonal wonders that go along with that)
Fatigue
Muscle and joint aches
Severe cramping and pain
Clotting
Depression
Anxiety
Bloating
Difficulty losing weight

It has also been found that women with endometriosis tend to have:

allergies
food intolerances
asthma
decreased immune systems

I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out - but you get my point. All of this kinda sucks to one degree or another. To be honest, I never really gave a lot of thought to it until a few years ago. It was normal for me. But all of a sudden, when I had to start taking care of children, a husband and a home, I realized I couldn't be sleeping 10 hours at night and taking 2-3 hours naps every day. I needed to be joyful and patient in order to train and teach my children. All of which is challenging if I'm not feeling well or in pain.

So the depression and anxiety thing.... now, I am totally not saying that I lay around in bed for days on end thinking the world is coming to an end. In fact, I don't do that. There's just to much to be done in a day. More usually, at certain times during my cycle - I'm guessing when my hormones are the most messed up - I struggle. I lay in bed at night next to Justin imagining "what ifs" and wondering about life's eternal questions. Death, heaven, my children, getting old etc etc. etc. My heart starts to race, sometimes I'll start to hyperventilate, my chest tightens, sometimes I have tightness across my back and I often feel like crying. An anxiety attack. It's as much physical as it is emotional.

My theory is this - There are these things in the back of my mind that I have little seeds of insecurity and doubt about. And most of the time - when my body is behaving itself - I can remind myself of God's truths and specific scripture. I can "preach to myself" what is true and what is not and I can fit those little doubts back into the "don't worry about that now" box. But when I'm laying in bed on those other nights - I'm not able to do that. The doubts become bigger than my preaching and pretty soon my body starts reacting and at that point I really can't do much but try to breathe slowly into a paper bag. I'm really hoping this is making even a little bit of sense.

And the depression part? Well, it's during those times again. And again, put out of your mind your stereotypes of depression - no laying around in bed all day. Mostly, the little stuff that only sort of bothers me the rest of the month, really bothers me for 2 or 3 days. Like a little grey Eeyore cloud that might sprinkle now and again making me wish I could lose weight or dress cuter or be cuter or be younger or have less grey hair or be less emotional or be a better friend or a better mom or a better daughter or a better Christian or or or... blah dee blah .....becomes a huge storm cloud. And it clouds the rest of my rational thinking about these things.

So is it a lack of faith? Well, I suppose the root of it is. Until it gets bigger than that. Fortunately, since faith is a gift of God, I'm not too hard on myself about the fact that I can't somehow muster it up in those moments. The Lord has given me tremendous amounts of faith in other areas of my life - and I'm thankful that He's starting to give me some answers in this one.

Wow. This is getting longer than I expected. I think I'll finish it in a Part 2. Before I sign off for the night though - I want to say how encouraged I was by your comments on my Dear God post. Sometimes I can start to think that I'm totally loco and that I'm the only one who struggles with these thoughts. Just hearing that some of you "get it" and a little bit of what you do about it pushed me forward a little bit. And I needed a push. So thank you.

But stay tuned! There's good news in Part 2.

And some photos, of course. These joys are what get me through the rough days.

At the Beach
We're very blessed to live less than half an hour from the bay
.

Xochi sportin' her gangsta look.
Ehhhhhh, Vato!

Drumroll Please...

TA DA!

I barely got a picture as I was running out the door late.
So this one shot will have to do.

In the end, I decided to go with the flower in the hair, thanks to my friend Jessica's suggestion on facebook. If I would have had more time I would have taken off the outer petals - since as I look at it now it just looks like I have a big red blob in my hair. Part of the problem might have been that I was gluing it together so fast - I think it would have looked better more to the side of my head and less on top. But the general vibe of it worked.

I also decided to go with black glass earrings. Here, if I would have thought about it more - I would have gotten some hoops to wear. At first I wasn't sure if they would go with the flower but they totally would have. I wanted to wear my bracelet too so I didn't wear the black necklace. Anyway - it was fun to think about fashion for a little while today. Thanks to all of you for playing along with me!

The wedding was great. The young man getting married was the grandson of my grandma's brother.... so I didn't really know the couple but nonetheless, I looked so cute I thought I'd get up and say something.

That's not a joke.

And I didn't even have one sip of alcohol.

One lady stopped me at the reception and said, "You look beautiful!" It was good for the 'ol self esteem for sure. But the thing that made my heart swell? Sweet Adia Moon as I walked out the door to leave. She took one look at me and said (these are her exact words):

Oh mama!! I like you! You painted your toes! And you painted your lips too!

She just kept staring at me and smiling and smiling.

Quite the contrast from earlier in the day when she had patted my behind and said:

Look at your big fat bum...

What the????

Help!

I'm going to a wedding tonight with my grandma. For some reason, I always see a wedding as an opportunity to buy a new dress. Lo and behold, while at Target yesterday, I found a cute little black number. I thought to myself, "A pair of red wedge heels sure would look cute with this." In an epic and monumental moment - I walked into Famous Footwear and found just the thing - on sale for $20. A fashion miracle! Since we all know that the exact thing you're looking for fashion-wise is usually the most expensive.

Here's where you come in - I need some help with accessories. My mom suggested one of the red dahlias I made for Mother's Day. I think it looks cute but am not sure if it's too much with the ruffle? My other thought was just white pearls and pearl earrings. I also have some fancier black glass vintage jewelry. What do you think? Any other ideas? I'm going into town today and could look for something more. I'm leaving home at 5 pm PST - so post up!

Pay no attention to the make-up-less bedhead.
Pay close attention to the cutie pie smiling in the bottom right-hand corner.


Close-up of ruffles.


Sassy red patent leather shoes.

Bringing Me Joy Today

1. A bountiful harvest of lettuce from my garden - cleaned, spun and packaged up to deliver to my neighbors.

(I did finally get around to cleaning the smudge off the lower left hand corner of my camera lens)

2. A salad made of lettuce, quinoa, feta, fresh herbs, avocado and sunflower seeds - topped off with a dash of lemon and evoo.



3. My new handmade-by-Justin arbor and my dahlias coming along nicely.




4. My just-turned-one-year old Xochi and the fact that she loves her mama best of all. She is my first baby to favor me. Steele and Adia went to both Justin and I equally. Xochi does too, but when given the choice, she chooses me. Ahhh.... I love it.

Here - blowing me kisses...

5. Homemade yogurt using the JCasa method and a fresh batch of Eat-It-Every-Day granola to go on top.


6. Bringing Up Boys on cd - checked out from the library - to listen to in the car.


7. Preschool Theme Kits from the library. LOVE these! More on them in another post.



8. And finally, this may seem out of place after the things I mentioned above but I have been very thoughtful about this topic today. I am exceedingly thankful for a pastor who does not irresponsibly waste the precious hour or so of time he has with his flock on Sunday mornings. It is a great calling to teach God's word with all seriousness and devotion and I am blessed beyond measure to receive God's true and holy word every Sunday. It is the only thing that can truly change peoples' hearts, bring them to repentance and offer the life giving person and sacrifice of Jesus. I am greatly concerned for numerous bodies of believers today whose pastors haphazardly bring meager topics and fads before their congregations instead of the feast of God's truth. In my own Pastor Bert's words:

God has enough topics of His own, I don't need to think up any myself.

Asking For Help

I am intrigued by the current situation in my home.

Adia is on the bathroom floor screaming and crying. I walk in to see what the problem is and she is throwing a fit - complete with leg kicking and flailing about.

I ask her what the problem is.

She says (screams at me):

I can't get my jammies on!!

Yet she has not even asked for help.


Maybe I could learn something from her.