Introducing..

Tobin Baker Jobes

Born: February 25, 2012 4:52 a.m
Weight: 8 lbs 13 oz
Length: 21 3/4 inches

Tobin: meaning "God is Good"
(and this little guy is a testimony of that truth!)
Baker: After our favorite place, of course!

I apologize that I have not posted sooner. I felt especially bad after sweet Wilma commented asking if we were all ok. I cannot express to you how much your concern meant to me, Wilma! As things seem to go with a newborn and little ones, the hours roll into days and the days roll into weeks before you know it. As Justin and the big kids tromped off in the rain to church this morning, I decided to rest at home for one more week and determined to write this blog post. I promise, a full birth story will come - for now, I'll share that I'm recovering from a c-section so the first week, especially, is kind of a narcotics-induced blur. But we are all recuperating quite well and are loving this little guy even more than we could have imagined. Nursing is going great. We seem to be easily settling into a nursing and sleeping schedule. Big brother and sisters are enamored with their newest teammate. And so many unexpected blessings... God is truly good and He knows what is best for us! The timing of Tobin's arrival could not have been more perfect for everyone.

Adjusting

For almost two weeks now, our family has been adjusting. Adjusting our thinking, our emotions, our "plan", our activities. This adjusting came after we found out on January 2nd that my placenta had adjusted itself. Adjusted itself far away from and out of the way of my cervix.

I haven't shared this news publicly before now because, quite honestly, I have felt very emotional about it and wasn't certain I was prepared to deal with peoples' varied responses. To be even more honest, I'm still not certain I'm prepared to deal with them. I did realize though, that I would have to say something because February 10th (my scheduled c-section date) would come and go and we would have no baby boy. I figured people might wonder. Just a little bit.

I suppose I should back up a bit for some of you. On December 18 I went in for my regular appointment and ultrasound. At that appointment my doctor looked at me and said, "So you know this thing's not moving right? (meaning my placenta) Are you ok with that? Are you ok with a c-section?" I told him I was - and I really was - so we went ahead and scheduled it for February 10. I felt a certain amount of peace about it, especially because until this point, my pregnancy has been filled with so many complications and uncertainties. Finally, something concrete to look forward to and rest in. I felt comfortable with my doctor. I was grateful for the technology that was very certainly saving my life. (Before c-sections were available, 99% of women would die from complete previa.) And even though there were some possible hurdles with delivering a little early I didn't feel they were insurmountable hurdles.

So imagine my disbelief when, just a few weeks later on January 2, the ultrasound tech looked at me with shock on her face and said, "I'm sorry but I'm totally tripping out right now. Your placenta is completely out of the way of your cervix. I have never seen this happen before." All I could do was laugh a nervous laugh and shake my head. I've had a lot of people say to me nonchalantly over the course of my pregnancy, "Oh.. I had previa too. It moved out of the way and I was fine. It usually does." I would just smile politely and nod or just not comment back on facebook because the truth is, not all previas are the same. Complete previa is way different than partial or marginal previa. After 30 or so weeks, complete previa doesn't correct. Unless, of course, you are me and have a c-section scheduled and your ultrasound tech says to you, "This is like a miracle" and all you feel like doing is crying.

So here I am. I am slowing readjusting my thinking and my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can very logically see why this is great news. My pregnancy hormones and emotions have not been as compliant as my logic though. The benefits (possible natural childbirth, more developed baby, less chance of complications, less recovery time, prenatal yoga, exercise, the MOUNTAIN, etc.) are starting to outshine the hard parts (being pregnant longer - my due date is March 3, being uncertain about the delivery and the doctor, possible natural childbirth - yes, this is on both the pros and cons list). But it's been hard. For the first week I cried a little bit almost every day. Like I said, I also didn't feel ready for peoples' excited reactions when I was still trying to process it all. I think just about every woman who has been pregnant can understand at least a little bit of what I've been feeling - but not always. Especially women who have really enjoyed pregnancy. I am so thankful for my husband who held me and said, "I know you. I understand you. You just stick close to me. You don't have to tell anyone yet." And little by little I have felt better and the shock has worn off. I think I was also a little worried that people would expect me to jump up and into all my normal activities again when the truth is, I still feel pretty miserable most of the time. I am very happy to report though, that the extra activity I have been allowed has helped how I feel. I don't feel so tight or sore and being able to get outside and walk (as much as I can in my third trimester) has done wonders for my outlook.

This is getting long so I should probably stop here. Before I end I want to say that above EVERYTHING, I trust the Lord. With every aspect of my life. The fact that my human brain and hormones are fickle does not change the fact that He is sovereign. Everybody else was surprised at this news. He was not. He knew what He was doing the whole time. I may never see the full picture - I may never know why He wanted me with an OB and not with a midwife at the birth center. And that's ok. I am so thankful to know that our family is not outside of His constant care, direction and oversight. While it may have been challenging, He has been very clear in His direction to us over the last 33 weeks and beyond. So when I have uncomfortably restless nights like I did last night, when I begin to wonder about all the details and how everything will go I preach to myself: I trust you, Lord. I trust you because you are worthy of trust. You are my peace.

Things I Don't Want to Forget

Winter 2012 Edition

Finding pictures of Steele's lego creations on my camera

How Steele thinks my spicy pico de gallo is the best ever

Cheesy grins on Xochi's first ski day of the season

Had to come back and edit..
how could I have forgotten Xochi's self-cut bangs??

This picture my husband took of the french toast he secretly ran
and got me just because I was craving it.
Even though he thinks gluten is evil.
(So do I except, apparently, during pregnancy..)

Happy kids on the first snow day of the season.




My ready-for-church-33-weeks-pregnant-self.
Even if I do have chipmunk cheeks.
Evidently, the only things that expand on me during pregnancy
are my ankles, my belly and my cheeks.
My thighs have mysteriously shrunken - no joke.


Xochi with her little two and half year old voice,
chubby body and pink princess jammies
watching chickens out the window.

A Day

Whew.

What a difference a day makes.

Justin and I decided on Thursday night that I should call my new OB (who I have not seen yet) to verify that I should still remain on bed rest. It's kind of a long story but basically, the GP I was seeing put me on bed rest almost three weeks ago, transferred me to an OB (with no explanation to me) and then I never heard from anyone again. At that point my OB appointment was still a week and a half away.

So I put a call in on Friday to the OB's office and heard back from two very friendly and helpful nurses. After speaking with the doctor, the second nurse explained to me that they usually only put women with complete previa on bed rest if they are having bright red spotting. To which I replied, "Well... I haven't had any bright red spotting. I've only ever had light, brown spotting."

"Hmmm... really?" she said. "We thought that's why you were on bed rest."

Uh.. no.

So the nurse told me to resume some normal activity this weekend and see how I feel. She said to call immediately if I have any bright red. As you can imagine, I am SO glad I called. I already felt so much better yesterday. Both emotionally and physically. I'm still being careful and want to talk to the doctor more extensively on Wednesday but really, what a difference a day makes. My gut is a little more tame, my body is not aching and while we were out at dinner last night and visiting with my grandma, I barely noticed the lower belly pressure and discomfort I've been feeling for days. I don't know if it was actually less or if I was just distracted enough to not notice it but either way - it felt great!

I'm leaving all of our care help in place for now - until we find out some more information from the obstetrician. The reality is that most women with complete previa experience some sort of spotting, many even have heavy bleeding, throughout their pregnancy. I want to do everything I can to avoid that and avoid complete bed rest again if at all possible. (Because have I mentioned? It sucked.) I'll have to find some balance. This morning my balance was deciding that Halloween decorations can wait since they're down in the basement and Justin isn't here to help me. Trust me, my mind started reeling with a flurry of all of the possible fall activities, crafts and yummy-ness I've been dreaming of... but I quickly reined myself in. More knitting, less baking. More snuggling with kids and books, less pumpkin hunting. More on-line shopping, less frantic 11th hour making of Halloween costumes...

If you've signed up to help us out please know how humbled and thankful we are for your care for us. Hold tight for now and I'll keep you posted on our needs. Our families have been very gracious to help us hire help for both the children and house keeping. My best guess at this point is that we'll continue with that but probably won't need meals and volunteers. PRAYING that is the case!

Ps. I'm already second-guessing my baby names.

PPs. Please, please, please accept my apology if you're offended by the phrase "it sucked." I realize this is kind of a generationally accepted term. (I don't think generationally is a word..) But sometimes, you know, you just gotta use a curse-y type word. Rest assured grammies out there - I don't say it around my children. Just to my best bloggy friends.

PPPs. How could I have forgotten??!! Probably because I started writing this, got my kids dressed and dropped off at church and then came back to it. THANK YOU, thank you for your wonderful, beautiful comments on my last post. I sat and read them over and over again and CRIED. God used your words and your prayers to strengthen me that day.

Gut Gone Wild

And other random thoughts to enhance your day.

1. My gut has gone wild. In many, many awful ways that I won't go into... for now.

2. I have a whole new respect for Michelle Duggar and her 19 pregnancies. I loved her before but now, she may have achieved saint-hood in my heart.

3. I am only 18.5 weeks along and my insides feel like they are going to explode out of my super-tight, stretch-rebelling skin. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

4. Justin and I are trying to think of creative ways to get me OUT of this house. Like wheel-chairing around the mall. I'm desperate.


Ok... I just read this back to myself and have decided I'll stop there. It sounds really depressing. The reality is that I'm having a very hard time. Please pray for me, friends. Pray for my emotions and my mental well-being. The details feel a little raw to share here publicly, but some days I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next months.

Fortunately, our home is never without some comic relief to lighten things up. I'll leave you with the best from today so far.

Steele: Adia, be quiet.

Me: Steele, why did you just tell Adia to be quiet? That didn't sound very nice.

Steele: Well, she just says the rudest things to me ALL. DAY. LONG.

Me: Really? What did she say?

Steele: She said, "Steeeeele!" (with a little rise in intonation at the end)


Wow. How dare she!

(Also, I've never thought much about it before, but I would really love to know who I'm sending these random thoughts out to in blogland. If you're a lurker - leave me a comment. It would make my day.)

Still Resting

Although a little more fully now. As of Sunday afternoon, my doctor put me on more complete bed rest.

The bump. The headless pregnant lady. (You know how it is. Bad hair. No make-up.)

It's hard. Physically, emotionally, relationally, logistically, parentingly... pretty much all the lly's you can think of. Please pray for us when you remember.

I am truly humbled and grateful for the ways our friends and family have helped us this week. Meals, visits, new clothes (thanks, Mom!), e-mails checking in. I especially appreciated a friend dropping a meal by yesterday who brought her sweet 2 month old. It was good to remember what it's like to hold a sweet smelling newborn.

I'm 17.5 weeks. At this point, we have no idea how long this bed rest could last. We're praying for the best but, as time has gone on, we're also trying to think practically about preparing for the long haul.

I wanted to clarify a bit about what exactly is going on. I have complete previa. This means that my placenta is completely covering my cervix. There are many different levels of previa but this complete previa isn't as likely to correct and is a little riskier. A lot of women have previa and don't even know about it. The fact that I've been cramping and spotting is more concerning.

I hope I don't offend anyone when I say this, but please oh please don't leave me comments saying things like, "But it will all be worth it in the end" or "You're doing the most important job there is right now." For some reason, could be hormones, these phrases don't make me feel any better. A simple, "That must be really hard... (scary, sucky, etc.) I will be praying for you" is really helpful and lets me know you recognize how I'm feeling. And how I'm feeling is that I have 4 other people in my life that God has given me to love and serve and right now I can't do those things very easily or well. The other truth is that we really don't know how things will turn out in the end and sitting around on the couch really isn't my most important job. My most important job is to trust God and His sovereignty and rest in the fact that my faithful God, for whatever reason, has chosen this path for us. My job is to glorify Him and serve Him in the midst of it. *Please don't worry if you've already said one of those things to me. I'm not offended... I'm just not sure I can handle hearing it again. You know, the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing.

This is the only thing I know for sure:

What is thy only comfort in life and death?

That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him. (from the Heidelberg Catechism)

Rest

This picture makes my belly look comically larger than it really is.
I had to share it with you.

Those are my orders. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and quite honestly, he didn't tell me much of anything I didn't already know. He commented that it really is amazing how many of these situations correct themselves by the time of delivery, which I was encouraged to hear. He also put me on partial bed rest. I think his exact words were to be "really lazy" and "no going to the grocery store or vacuuming." When he said that I thought to myself how many of my normal, daily activities are just as or more strenuous than vacuuming or going to the store. Because really, I would consider those two of my lighter activities... I'm still having cramping and spotting so he said he wants me to take it easy for a few days and see if it stops and if it doesn't, he'll put me on strict bed rest until it does. The reality is that when I'm lying down, the cramping stops. When I get up, even to make myself something to eat, it starts again.

The other glaring reality is that somebody in our family has to work. You know, so we can do things like.. eat and have running water. Luxuries, really. ;-) Justin came home from work early on Wednesday because of all that was going on. (I don't think I mentioned that Steele and Adia both had fevers, headaches and nausea on Wednesday and were miraculously better on Thursday..) Justin took today off and we are hoping that the majority of this will subside and he'll be able to go back on Sunday. I decided that the best plan, in order to have the highest chance of him being able to do that, is to be as inactive as possible. If strict bed rest is a possibility on the horizon, I'd rather just do it now when Justin is already home. Does that make sense?

Hopefully, by now, you know me a little bit. I'm honest. Often to my detriment. I wouldn't be being honest now if I didn't say that I feel pretty discouraged. Please understand when I say this that I am VERY grateful that little babe is healthy and doing well. I am able to put things in perspective and know that this is what matters most. The discouraging part is that I am only 16 weeks along. I am trying my best to not think about tomorrow or what the future may hold or if I might have to go on bed rest again by the time this baby is born. (Matthew 6:34)

So that's where we're at. On the couch, in bed, at the computer. After reading Nie's blog yesterday I think I might have Justin take me for a drive.

Your prayers. I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I have been for so many peoples' prayers, stories, encouragement... I know a lot of people don't like facebook (especially my 82 year old grandma) but it has been a blessing to me during this time. It has been a way for me to connect with my friends and other mamas when I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. Reading what others are up to and communicating with my friends daily has helped me to not feel so isolated.

One wise friend also gave me this encouragement yesterday which I was very thankful for. I thought it might encourage some of you as well in whatever you might be struggling in.

Even if you feel more comfortable turning inward and focusing simply on your family with your energy (not blogging, etc) make sure that you invest yourself in praying for and seeking out the prayer needs of others. It helped me tremendously to get out of my own situation in my head and carry the burdens of others in prayer while I was struggling so much emotionally with my own condition.

Placenta Previa

That's what I have. After a series of anxiety-inducing events throughout what seems my entire pregnancy so far (and even pre-pregnancy), I found out yesterday that I have complete placenta previa. I've had cramping and spotting several times over the last few months which was thought to be from some earlier discovered subchorionic hematomas, but after it happening again this week my doctor sent me for another ultrasound yesterday which revealed the previa.

Ugh. Again, this pregnancy has been a surprisingly rough road for me. So where do we go from here? I'm not absolutely certain. I'll probably know more once I hear back from my doctor on Friday. Thankfully, even though they were about to send me away from the imaging center without any information, I asked to speak to the radiologist who explained to me what was going on. He was encouraging and explained - as I've now read more about - that this generally poses no risk to the baby and that most women are able to carry to full term. What it most likely means for me is that I'll have to be monitored closely, especially in my last weeks of pregnancy, and then will most likely end up having a c-section. Obviously, the baby can't be delivered through the placenta and in fact, once I go into labor, it will be extremely important that I get to the hospital quickly in order to prevent any hemorrhaging.

I want to talk to my doctor about the exact placement of the placenta over my cervix. I found some interesting data that said about 90% of women found with previa early in their second trimester end up delivering normally because the placenta tends to move up as the uterus grows. This is more common in women with partial previa though... so we'll just wait and see. In the mean time, I have these very disconcerting symptoms but am extremely grateful to see that the baby is still doing well and is healthy. As difficult as it is to take it easy with three little ones, that is pretty much what's in order for me over the next 6 months or so. No more Jazzercise (which I've only tried once and it sort of started all of this off this week), sweet 30 lb Xochi will be moved to her toddler bed so I don't have to lift her as much, lots of sitting around on the couch cuddling, reading, knitting, etc. It's only temporary. I am thankful for my friends who have reminded me of this and so I keep repeating it to myself. Just for a season...

I also wanted you all to know that if you don't see me around this space much, this is probably why. All of this has been very emotional for me and when I feel overwhelmed and emotional I tend to pull in. And for now, "in" feels like the best place to be. Pulling my children, my husband and the Lord a little closer and resting in the peace that they bring. Steele and Adia have been especially sweet blessings - there have been more than several occasions when I've been on the couch or my bed (or the kitchen floor) crying and discouraged and they have literally wiped my tears, patted my arm or my head, kissed me and told me they love me. My prayer is that even through the tears, that they would see God's faithfulness and perfect plan for our family.

Admittedly, this little baby has brought so much adventure into our lives already... I'm a little nervous to see what will happen when he/she actually arrives! (we tried to see gender yesterday but it's still a little early... I'll let you know though!)

Bits

I have so much on my mind lately. I feel like one blog post could never do it all justice. Here's an attempt, in an abbreviated fashion.

1. At the forefront of my brain, most days, is this pregnancy and all that it entails. (16 weeks tomorrow!) Have I mentioned it's been a rough go? It has. Very rough. I won't go into all the details but it's involved a lot of doctor's appointments and ultrasounds and a fair amount of discomfort, pain and anxiety. Sweet babe looks to be doing great which I am thankful for, but his or her mama is not. It seems it might be related to my endometriosis which is both encouraging and discouraging. Most recently I have a sharp pain in my right flank sort of up under my ribs. It hurts worse when I inhale. I've been waiting it out a bit, hoping that it might relieve itself... hoping that it might be related to constipation (TMI? Sorry.. nobody ever told me about this part of pregnancy. It stinks. But not literally, of course. That's the problem.) But worrying that it might be a kidney infection or something worse but not wanting to go to the doctor again but freaking out a bit after reading that if it were a kidney infection that I would need to be in the hospital immediately. Honestly, I would really appreciate your prayers. I'm clinging to prayer these days. Hoping that I can soon move on from stress to a bit more excitement.

2. Re: baby. I think we have settled on names. But just so that we don't have the comical and ever-changing baby name fiasco we did with Xochi... I think I might wait a while to share. I'm definitely not one to wait until the baby is actually here to reveal the name - I'm far too much of a blabber mouth for that - I just want to be a little more certain first. Even though I feel very certain now but well, you understand. To build a little excitement - both names start with "W."

I found these pictures on my computer and they made me smile.

Steele on a scooter ride with our neighbor.

3. We began some new adventures in our family this fall. The first is that Steele is now a Tiger Cub! It's turning out to be the perfect activity for him and for us. This is our first official kid activity - we chose it with much prayer and thoughtfulness and are excited. Especially because Steele is so excited.

The second is that I have started teaching the middle school Sunday school class at our church. My class is made up of four home-schooled, middle school boys. What could be cooler than that?! I made the comment to someone that I'll take four home-schooled, middle school boys over four public-schooled, middle school girls any day. Last week was our first week and the only student to show up was my 12 year old brother Gabe. We took our donuts to Starbucks and hung out there for a while. Hopefully I'll get to do my prepared lesson (which includes fire and candy) tomorrow morning.

Adia and Mr. B.

4. This fall, more than ever, I am so thankful that this season has arrived. For obvious reasons, like my less-than-ideal summer, but also because we have started full-swing into schooling. Both the kids and I are loving it. Steele and Adia are doing so well. There is something uniquely special about getting to be present for each new learning milestone and insight in their lives. It is a huge blessing to me and strengthens our relationships in ways I could not have imagined. And of course, fall would not be complete without it's pumpkin spice coffees and homemade applesauce - both of which I have already partaken of.

I guess that's it for now. I'm certain there was more I wanted to share when I started but it's gone. It's raining today. I find such comfort in the rain. Justin is on his way home from work for four days off. I think I'll knit as much as I can. I'm also going to go visit a friend who is in the middle of her own first trimester misery. In life, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that my own experience has allowed me to be sympathetic to others who are having challenging pregnancies. Because, sheesh! It's really surprising to me how many women are NOT sympathetic. But that's another post for another day... or maybe it's best if I just keep that rant to myself.

Sowing and Reaping

Sowing....

Baby: 10 weeks

Reaping...

Contemplating cucumbers...

Grammy and Xo

Cucumbers, garlic, chiles

My mom filling jars

42 quarts

I won't bore you with all the details. But these two things are pretty much what I've accomplished over the last 10 weeks. The rest of my time has included a lot of nausea, weeping, anxiety, laying around moaning and carbs. "Anybody want toast for dinner?"

I wouldn't be honest if I tried to sound any cheerier. Things are looking up though. There is light at the end of this first trimester tunnel.

No News..

is good news!

At least in the this case.

I'm sorry I didn't update earlier but you see, being PREGNANT and all, I've been feeling a wee bit tired. And writing a facebook status update just takes so much less time than a blog post. Until I realized that I could keep this short too.

So the important details: My numbers are great. I'm 5 weeks along. I'm feeling great - not really nauseous at all. We have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for the 14th when we'll find out if it's twins or not.

Thank you for your prayers!!

I'll post more soon. Promise.

Steele's Bedtime Prayer

(as best as I can remember but I think this is almost verbatim)

Dear God,

We thank you for the babies in Mama's tummy. We ask that you would make them live. But whether they live or die, that's your choice. And we trust you to do what you want. But we hope they get to live. And we ask that you would give the doctor's wisdom to bring them out safely.

In Jesus' name, Amen.


There are so many things I loved about this prayer - it made my mama heart smile SO big. But my first thought was: That boy has some good theology!

Happy K.U. Day!

That's right folks. Today's the day I go get knocked up.

Crazy, huh?

I realized after I posted on facebook this morning that some of you might only read my blog - and surely I would appreciate as many prayers as we can get today. So, humbly, I ask that you might remember us at 3 p.m. PST.

Now, I truly don't mean to offend anyone by using the term "knocked up." Surely a bit of light-heartedness is in order for this bizarre circumstance, right? It's also a bit of an ode to our dear friend Mike who proudly announced some 10 or 11 years ago while we were leading worship together one Sunday evening that he had "knocked up his wife." I laughed. Others did not. I'm still laughing actually. Especially because he's done it 4 - or 5 - more times since. heh heh.

I'll let you know what I know - which isn't much. This morning the clinic will try and thaw two embryos that were frozen together. If those both survive thawing, those are the two they will transfer. If only one survives, they'll thaw the one single we have so that we can try and transfer a total of two.

At about noon, Justin and I will drop our kids off at Grammy and Groompa's and head down to Seattle. On the way, I am to drink 1.5 liters of water and take a couple of Valium. This is one part of the procedure that I would especially appreciate your prayers for. It might just be me, but for some reason the idea of medication intended to relax your muscles and a bladder full of water does not seem at all ideal. Add on top of that some progesterone shots which cause you to urinate more frequently? Certainly not ideal. So yes, prayers for self control are appreciated.

Once at the clinic I'm not sure of the details. We'll go into a special room that is climate and odor controlled. We were instructed to not wear fragrance aside from our normal deodorant - apparently embryos are especially sensitive to smells. And then they'll do the transfer. I'll let you know more about that later. For today and tomorrow I've been instructed to lay around and take it easy. For the next couple of weeks I think I am supposed to limit some of my activity and then on the 27th (the day before Steele's birthday) I will go in for my first blood test.

I'm feeling quite peaceful and well-rested. Surprisingly, I was able to sleep last night. We trust that God will bring just the right ones at just the right time. We are asking Him, even though we don't deserve an ounce of blessing, to preserve these little lives for His glory.

Stay tuned...

Things I Loved About Yesterday

1. Looking down the row at this girl as she sat in her movie theater booster seat looking so serious about the whole situation.

She's also very serious about birthday sundaes.

2. Trying to keep a straight face as this girl held my hand up over her eyes during the "scary" parts of Kung Fu Panda. To Adia, scary music = scary scene.


3. Visiting with my grandma, listening to her chat with Adia and seeing the two of them walking along holding hands on our trip down to the fertility clinic. Even the memory of it brings tears to my eyes.

Xochi outside on the morning of her birthday party.

A quick story about my grandma - Before Steele was born my grandma wondered aloud to me what it would be like to love an adopted child. I think she was nervous that it would somehow feel different. My grandma and I are very close and I appreciated her honesty and vulnerability at the time. After all, she was almost 80 years old and had not experienced adoption very often in her life. I think perhaps that is why it is so sweet to see how dearly and fully she loves my children now. Since then, she has often remarked at how wonderful it is to know and love them and shares with me how she tells her friends all about how beautiful adoption is. I could cry (and pretty much do) every time I see my kids running up the walkway to her house yelling, "Mimi!! Mimi! Hi Mimi!"


4. Hearing the doctor at the fertility clinic say that my uterus is looking "gorgeous" and scheduling an appointment to transfer those little babes next Thursday. (June 16) I'd say more about this topic but I'm still in shock.

To close, a cute little video of Xochi the day before her birthday. This shows her real personality - she is pretty much happy and fun 87% of the time.

Synthetic Hormones Make Me Whiny

I like using unrelated photos on my blog posts

At least in my head. I whine a lot in my head. And now, I might whine a little bit here.

I feel especially weepy this morning. It's such a terrible feeling. Hormonal emotions are not new to me. I've had my share of hormonal struggles over the years. But usually, they come for a couple of days and then they leave. Through experience, I've learned to deal with it and now the good days far outweigh the bad. I like it that way. Generally, during those one or two days every couple of months, I can logic away any irrational feelings but it doesn't seem to be working lately. Things that might normally bother me just a little bit are lingering in my mind. Some are big, some are small. The problem with these type of feelings it that they usually stem from something that is a reality but the medications I'm on blow them way, way out of proportion.

For example, this morning the topics I can't seem to stop thinking about are:

The fat on the back of my arms
Gaining weight
My lack of clothing for my larger, curvier self
The fact that my hair has not been cute for months
The clutter on my desk
I don't have any good boy names
My back still hurts
Remembering when I was young and my feet were soft
I have not knit in a very long time

These are just the small things that I'll probably momentarily stop thinking about once I start making breakfast for the kids.

But then there's:

If I have twins I will not be able to take the kids to the park for a picnic by myself like I did yesterday
If I have twins I'm going to get really humongous
Last night as I was walking to bed in the dark I thought, "If I have twins I won't get to sleep again for a very long time."
That darn IRS and their adoption credit reviews
I don't even have one good boy name, what if I...

And then just like that, mid-sentence - a divine intervention to my whine session. Xochi wakes up. I go into her room to get her and with two little elbows on a crib railing, a little brown chin resting on two chubby hands, a smile and a "Hi Mama!" - all seems better in my world.

Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for my next overly dramatic, hormone-induced blog post.

Still here...

Now that I'm feeling a little bit better I feel like I can sit down and gather my thoughts. The last week was pretty rough. I'm on a medication that suppresses my ovaries so they don't function. Basically, no ovaries = no hormones = major headaches + crazy, weepy emotions. I would sometimes have to squint at people when they were talking so I could focus enough through the headache to be able to process anything. It wasn't fun. So I decided to lay low for the week, take lots of naps, do as little as possible. I am so, so thankful that Justin was home through the hardest days and was able to pick up my slack. Love him. Thank you, Lord.

I went for an appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday and things are progressing as they should. For me, the best part of that was being able to start on some estrogen which = no more headaches! Hooray. I put the estrogen patches on last night and this morning when I woke up? The headache was gone. Phew! I talked to my mom on the ride home and was laughing a bit telling her I was so thankful to hear that my body was doing what it should - especially considering the fact that the M.O. for my body, in this area, is definitely to not do what it should. Ever. Kicking and screaming if you try to make it.

I've hesitated sharing all of this on my blog. Not that I don't want to share. If I knew you in person and saw you all face to face I would tell you everything. I'm just that way. This is not in my hands. It is not dependent on me. I still know, no matter what, that God brings the right children at the right time. HE alone is the one who plans families - as much as we think we are working at it, He has planned these things from the beginning of time. It is so good to rest in that knowledge. It's just that it's all so surreal to me still. Unbelievable at times. Like, do I dare voice it? Could this really be happening? You'd think I'd know it's real the moment I stick those darn needles into myself. But I suppose, just as I so often look at Steele, Adia and Xochi and think, "How in the world did you get here?! How did God's plans ever come about to bless me in such a way?!" ... I will always be in awe of life. And especially in awe of all of the creative and astounding ways God has brought life, these lives, to us.

June 9 is my next big appointment. As long as things are continuing as they should we will probably transfer the embryos in mid June. If you are a pray-er... please pray that God would preserve these little lives and that He would make just the right space for them in me. We'd really love to meet them.

The Right Woman for the Job?

Around my breakfast table this morning....

Steele: Are you gonna get a baby in your tummy?
Me: I hope so!

(keep in mind that this is not the first time we've had this conversation and I'm guessing it won't be the last)

Steele: Is that why you have to get shots?
Me: yup!
Steele: Ohhhh Adia, I hope you never have a baby so you don't have to get shots!
Me: Well, Adia probably won't have to get shots. Hopefully her body will work how God made it to work and she will be able to have babies without taking shots. Mama's body can't grow babies on it's own so that's why I have to take shots.
Adia: Well, you grew Xochi in your tummy.
Me: (shocked at this insight into Adia's little brain)
Steele: No, Chelsea did.
Me: No, Amanda grew Xochi in her tummy.
Adia: (Eyes widening and a smile spreading across her face) MY Amanda??!!
Me: No, a different Amanda.

Me (in my mind): Ohhh boy....

I'm really glad I can trust that God thought I was cut out for this job, because sometimes I find it awfully comical.

Next up: How to explain to people that the baby growing in your tummy is actually adopted...

Update

Isn't this a creepy photo? It has nothing to do with anything.

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to think of some way to update you all on the baby process. Maybe something deep? Maybe something funny? I even thought for a moment that I could tell you how I feel like the seven dwarfs all wrapped up in one - multiple personality dwarf maybe? Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy (allergies), Sleepy and let's throw in Weepy. That's pretty much me right now.

But I just couldn't come up with anything good. Maybe because at any given moment lately I feel like I could shut my eyes and fall asleep. Which is actually what I'm going to do as soon as I post this. Also, at any given moment, I feel like I could start crying. Do you know that feeling? Where you feel like you're on the verge of crying and you can just sort of feel it welling up in your chest and your throat? The thing is, I don't feel like crying over anything in particular, I just feel like crying.

All in all, it's not that bad though. Truly. I started birth control pills a week and a half ago to get my cycle on schedule. I start a different medication next week. Shots. In my stomach. Fun times. I've been trying to pace myself and my days. One thing at a time. A load of laundry here, a school lesson there. Taking purposeful, short moments to train my children, take a nap, lay out in the sun (on the two days we've had it this year) and read some things that feed my spirit. I've been avoiding people a little bit. Only because I'm a tad unpredictable right now. Even to myself. I also don't want to appear as though I'm complaining about anything. I know some people might think I'm looney for choosing this. It's hard to explain sometimes that we didn't choose it. God did. So it's just easier if I don't have to breach that topic.

Overall I have an overwhelming feeling of this all being very surreal. Ten years of being married, adopting 3 babies in 4 years, never trying and barely even thinking about fertility treatment and now here we are. It is still crazy to me. God crazy. Good crazy. The best kind of crazy.

A friend passed on this blog to me. If you're curious about the whole process of IVF or embryo adoption you might be interested to read it. The blogger is about where I am now if you go back to her posts from September '09. It's really interesting. I never knew. I still don't really know. I'm just doing what the doctor tells me to do. Checking off each day on my schedule calendar. Today: take a little red pill. Sunday and Monday: same. Tuesday: take little red pill, give myself a shot in the stomach.... until sometime in mid June: Take vallium, have doctor put baby inside me.

CRAZY!!!!