A Heavy Heart

My heart has been so heavy today. I have a whole myriad of feelings swarming around in my mind and heart - grief, sadness, anger, hope... I've gone 'round and 'round in my head about what I should share with all of you. I've also realized that anything I may tell you should really be backed by 3 or 4 years worth of details - but I really don't have the energy to get into all of that right now. So maybe later.

For now, I will tell you that we found out today that Steele's birth mother, Chelsea, gave birth to a little boy on Monday. Jordan Isaiah. He weighed 9 lbs 5 ounces and is 21 inches long. Since New Year's Eve when we found out she was pregnant we have been praying that she might place him with us. For a while I didn't even have the words to pray. I would just say, "You know, Lord. You know." After several months I felt moved to pray for God's mercy on this little one. He needs God's mercy. Even more now that he has been born into this sinful world.

I don't feel like I can or should fully share the details of this situation - just know that this babe's life does not look hopeful from our earthly perspective. Both his mother and his father have made some very poor decisions that are extremely far reaching. They reach into our lives and into our little Steele's life too as we will have to tell him someday about his brother and God's plans for each of them. We know God will give us the grace and wisdom needed but we never anticipated having to tell him these things. We had such hope for his birth mother - we love her dearly.

I have so much more I could say but I'm actually at a bit of a loss for words. In the midst of all of these feelings, though, I want to be clear about some things. I hope I don't sound harsh or contradictory but they are things I have learned and clung to over the last 6 years. I believe God made me human and has given me human emotion and even though I sometimes wrestle with sadness over sinful situations, these things still hold true:

1. We believe God is sovereign and that He ordains the good and the bad in our lives. We don't understand it but we believe it.

2. We believe God is the One who plans families - in His way and in His time. For some reason I have never looked at adoption as something charitable. When people say to me, "Oh, that's so good that you do that" I think to myself... "I didn't do anything. This is the way God planned to build our family. These are the children God chose to give us. He ordained me to be their mama since the beginning of time." Adopting our children was not some "last resort" because we couldn't conceive - this was God's plan all along. God didn't look down and say, "Oh no! Cutzi's not getting pregnant. Now what are we going to do?" I don't look at it as being any more charitable than having s%x with my husband and getting pregnant (although my husband might find that method pretty charitable ;-)

3. I have never and will never grieve for myself in these situations. My trust is in a good God - His plans are always best for me. I never doubt that. Not because I have somehow convinced myself of this but because God is who He says He is and does what He says He will do. He is faithful. My job is to obediently believe it. How could I have anything but joy when I serve such a faithful God?

4. I don't deserve or choose any blessing I have in my life. Therefore when I don't get something I have hoped for I can't be disappointed as if I deserved it or got to choose it.

5. I must choose to take joy in the blessings (the husband, children, home etc.) that He has already given me. To wish I had something more or different would be ungrateful. I once shared with Amy a thought I had about this point. I said to her... If you gave your child a slice of spice cake with apple pie filling and cream cheese frosting for his birthday and he turned to you and said, "Wow, this is a yummy cake but what I really wanted was chocolate with raspberry filling, chocolate frosting and sprinkles" and then he continued to cry over not getting it you would take it straight away and call him ungrateful. Now, I know it's not a perfect analogy but you get my point. If we focus so much on what we don't have that we overlook what we do have - we are in error.

So what am I praying for?

1. Clarity and wisdom for Chelsea
2. Mercy for little Jordan
3. Strength for Chelsea's family to continue in the hard things - to speak the truth in love

ps. And just in case you were wondering, now is not the time for anonymous critical comments... God, through the Holy Spirit and scripture, is faithful to teach me His truth. Praise Him for that.