I get like this every once in while. Ok - maybe more than once in a while. But I hate it. And, as much as I would like to, I can't pull myself out of the funk.
I'm convinced that it's fixable - I just don't know how to fix it. Some of it, I'm sure, is just a result of the way I'm made and the fact that I'm human. The other, in my opinion, is due to one or more of these factors:
1. my hormones
2. my diet
3. my exercise
4. my emotional health
5. my spiritual health
They're probably all inter-related somehow. I think that I probably have some emotional and spiritual 'issues' (if you want to call them that) that are lying there, somewhere below the surface, and any number of the first three things just magnify them.
I need to find a new naturopath. I had one and then we moved away and I've been too lazy to find another one. I have got to get these hormones under control and I will not take medication to fix it. I can't even tell you how many doctors in my life have offered me anti-depressants. I have gone in telling them I am fatigued, a little down, just not feeling quite right - and before asking me if I was eating properly or exercising (basic, in my mind) they have handed me over a prescription for anti-depressants.
I have also had several anxiety attacks over the last couple of years. They tend to occur at night as I lie in bed and think about how short life is, how our lives are just gone and forgotten in an instant, how my grandma and my mom are going to die someday - how will I handle that? I think about all the thousands of people who have died before me, how many people there are in the world and I'm just one. I think about how I will feel when I realize the moment that I am dying. I pray that God will allow me to live to be a grandma and a great grandma. I wonder about reality and question it. In these moments, I am thankful for my husband who just hugs me tight and doesn't try to say anything. Most of all, I am thankful for God's promises and I remind myself of them. Sometimes I think that if I really believed God and His word I wouldn't question any of it. But sometimes I just need to remember. I need to remember why I believe that the Bible is true. That I have studied it and know what God says about what will happen to me when I die. That He is orchestrating my life and does not let one thing pass by His sight. I remember that God kept His promises in the past and will keep them in the future.
Today, these are the thoughts that have passed through my mind:
I just want to sleep
I don't have any self-control
I want to eat the whole pie that is in my fridge
I don't want to go teach Jazzercise
I don't want anymore phone calls... or e-mails for that matter
Why don't people solve their own problems?
Why doesn't anyone tell me things are out until they're completely gone?
Don't call me to tell me you won't be at class 'cause I don't really care
I wish Justin were home
I wish Steele hadn't pooped in his pants
I wish Steele would stop pulling my hair every time I bend down to him
I wish Steele would start being kind to his sister
I wish I would have more patience and more wisdom when Steele does the above things
Maybe I need to be more consistent in my training, maybe then he wouldn't do those things
I wish my fat pants weren't starting to feel tight
Can't it be 8 o'clock already so I can just veg out and watch Dancing With the Stars?
Do I really have to make dinner?
I wish the clunking in my van would get fixed
Anybody want to buy a Jazzercise business?
Why did I ever buy this Jazzercise business in the first place?
I really should do my BSF but I just want to sleep
My house is a mess... oh well
I guess I should finish those postcards
Why am I getting these huge zits on my face
I want my tax money but I don't want to finish my taxes
It would be really nice if I could get my rear off the couch and start some seeds
Too bad we don't have chickens...
The one day I remember to watch Martha and she has a stupid veterinarian on?
Toot's been dead for months, I wonder why Justin hasn't removed, or even unplugged, his tank?
Man, I'm really getting a lot of grey hair... probably from Jazzercise! Grrrrr.
Did I mention my house is a mess?
And I have no cute clothes
I guess I better go get ready to teach. I have to leave in about 20 minutes. My kids are still asleep and I'm always late. I hate being late.
Isn't this yuck of me?? I needed to tell someone though. So hey! I have an idea! Why not type it all out for bazillions of people to read on the world wide web?? I'm sure that will help.
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15 comments:
What do you mean, "I have no cute clothes"?!?!
I happened to see that CUTE shirt your mom just got you! :)
Just kidding. I mean, it *is* a cute shirt but I'm not trying to make light of your funk, which is real.
Love you!
~Stacy
A funk is just that...a funk. It will pass. Some days it just takes a bit longer. And, my fat pants are too tight too! And, I have eaten a whole pie before because I am a closet, binge eater. And, I'm counting the minutes till I can watch tv because I can't exercise self control and quit watching junk tv...when I should be working on BSF. And, why doesn't my 18 year old son who is home from college this week forget to use a napkin....
You are loved!!
Christine
Oh Cutzi! I have had times of lying in bed thinking and fearing the same things. I am sorry that you feeling the way that you are. Its so good that you can express it as well as you do. I will pray for you today and ask the Lord to speak truth's to you throughout the day.
Love,
Aimee
What's really crazy is that there was someone just like you probably thinking the same things in 1950 who died in 1990 and never thought of the internet. Not only did they never even imagine the internet, but they didn't even realize they were missing out on not imagining about the internet because it was so far off the radar.
I wonder what it'll be that my kids see that I don't see. I bet I can't even remotely think of it.
As cool as this world and all its cool stuff is, I know that no one has ever seen fit to leave the eternal presence of God to come back to here to see and experience what they might be missing. I imagine there must be much better things going on "up" there.
But yeah, as much as that might have not made any sense, I think I understand the anxiety about not *knowing* what it'll be like when you die.
I suggest you just stop thinking about it. :)
I really like knowing everything you're thinking. :)
Dr. Keeler. I wish I still lived there so I could always go see him. I'm so sick of doctors who are dumb. He's actually a chiropractor though. But he'll help you with just about anything. And very natural. Sometimes a little bit "Eastern/huh, that was kind of weird", but very good.
I hope you de-funk soon.
I hear you on the Funk. And I'm with you on the taxes, the naturopath, and chickens. Someday. . .
Oh the funk, THE FUNK!!!
It's the freakin' hormones, Cutz! I swear! They're evil.
I do know how you feel, though. And I hope you feel better soon.
In the meantime, when Justin gets home? Go for a walk all by yourself. That will help :) I got outside yesterday and it did a world of good. I hope it works for you too!!!
xoxoxox
I know you didn't write this so that readers like myself could try to fix you....so I'll try not to.
But here's to say: I've been where you are. I've felt what you're feeling.
I hope you feel better soon.
Lastly, do what you need to do to feel better. Only you know what that is. I wish you all the best.
I love you.
And I feel like standing outside your window holding up a boom box playing a love song... so you know that I love you!
Ok - so here's the thing. If you don't have enough guts to say who you are then don't bother posting a comment - otherwise I'll delete it.
And even if you say who you are I still might delete it anyway - I'll just think a bit longer about it before I do.
Since it's MY blog and everything.
Oh no! I'm I in a funk too? You know I had half these thoughts myself the other day. I could replace names and places but mostly they were the same. When I get really 'funky' and I mean on the depressed side of funk. I start to sing out loud at the top of my lungs, "God is so GOOD to me... God is so GOOD to me, God is so GOOD. He's so GOOD to me!!" Then I eat chocolate!! Hope your doing better my friend! God is GOOD!!
Trina
Hey there,
I have been going through ups and downs myself. I would take Amy up on her offer and have her make the Lloyd Dobbler move one night.
One thing that helps me (sometimes, not all the time) is to listen to very specific music to help take me through my emotions or help me access them and think things through.
Sometimes it is cathartic and freeing to listen to sad or angry music. And then other times I want something uplifting (for me, it's Steview Wonder) or silly or nostalgic (Milli Vanilli).
Listening to the right song can help me get perspective on an issue or problem that I might not have been able to come to on my own. It may sound cheesy, but sometimes it does the trick.
While in a funk,
I thunk and thunk.
What did I think?
That funks DO stink!
So when I'm blue,
What do I do?
I clear my head,
Then go to bed.
(An occasional glass of wine and a Grey's Anatomy episode also does the trick. What? No new Grey's episodes? That's your problem).
hugs. the grey will pass...with a cute new pair of black shoes. ;)
I hope you're feeling better. My parents love Dr. Keeler and they also have a nutritionist that they've been seeing. I'll get the name and let you know. They're totally on fire about this right now.
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