From A Reader

From the comments section of my blog post titled "Wrangling Kids and Chasing Vans in the Rain."

I would like to agree with Heidi on one of her points from her second comment - it's true, none of us really knows what another person is feeling or thinking or what their motivation is for doing what they do. One thing I know for sure though, this job of parenting is a hard one and the Lord is daily refining me through it. We're all just doing the best we can, and sometimes it's nice to have a little help. I know I was thankful for it with my own screaming toddler just this morning. (More on that later....)


From her comment posted January 2, 2010:

Heidi (Unick... Gretchen's sister) from Whatcom County here... small town girl living in the "big city" (Bellevue) since 1998. Saw you on Thrifty Decor Chick's blog and dropped in. It's worth noting that Bellevue Square does not represent most of Bellevue. It represents developer Kemper Freeman and any of the idiots willing to give him their hardearned money, which I am not. He's made it clear in the media he doesn't want the "Factoria Mall types" at his properties so I just don't go there anymore... it's called Free Will. It's also worth noting that how you feel about yourself and your appearance when visiting Bellevue Square is on you, not on the other shoppers/visitors. I go out & about in Bellevue, including Bellevue & Lincoln Square, with no makeup on and dressed like a homeless person and I'm just fine with that. Nobody has the power to make me feel bad about myself unless I hand that power over to them. Helping that other mom out was nice... I just wish you didn't judge her & her parenting skills so harshly before making the offer. In reading your blog it made your offer of help seem a little less about genuinely helping a fellow mom and more about making yourself seem like the better parent.


My response:

Heidi - Yes, I suppose we all wish we could be more understanding, compassionate and gracious sometimes. I know I do. Ultimately though, I think it's how we act in the end that matters rather than what we think in the beginning. It sounds as though you have some pretty critical evaluations of others yourself sometimes. It's not always a bad thing to evaluate things honestly.



Her response on January 3, 2010:

LOL! Cutzi, as someone who has been reading your "honesty" (read: self-righteousness) on Dave's (last name removed to protect the innocent) FHS board for quite a while I can tell you... I did evaluate your blog posting with honesty but you didn't like what I had to say. I'm always amazed at how (according to you) you're so much "smarter" than everyone else, how everyone else's way of living is "wrong" compared to yours, and how your method of "mothering" is so much more better than others' methods. I kept my feelings to myself on the FHS board for my sister's sake but since you posted this publicly in blogland you were asking for comment... which you got. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to turn that high-powered scope of judgment and critique upon yourself because when someone tells you they repeatedly see these kinds of behaviors in you... maybe, just maybe, it's true. Your other blog readers tried (very kindly) to point out to you that you had no idea about that poor mother's situation: what her day had been like or whether or not that was her usual method of parenting. And I have to ask: so what if it was? How did it negatively impact you? Why was it that you felt the need to judge her? What you chose to do in the end seems nice on the surface but it was really a gift with strings attached when you read your thoughts leading up to it (basically "I have to save the day for this woman who lacks my awesome parenting skills"). Have you ever considered the reason she avoided eye contact with you in the elevator was because she could sense your judgment and superior attitude? If not, consider it. People who truly want to help don't judge, they just help. This was also an example of why so many women I know have a hard time trusting other women... our gender is known for smiling into each other's faces and then tearing each other down. Yuck. As for the DINKs who populate Bellevue Square, they're people just like you & me, no less worthy of our respect. Before I moved from Bellingham to Bellevue I used to have that same smalltown defensive attitude that you displayed and I, too, used to make fun of the Bell Square types (now I just aim my ire at Kemper Freeman because he's a jerk who deserves it). Maybe you don't realize there's also a rather unflattering Whatcom County stereotype *you* fit into. I call it the "I'm a more natural mother than Mother Nature, poops crafts and farts homemade organic granola bars, drives a Volvo/Subaru/Prius, owns only 'comfort clothes' and makes fun of anyone who doesn't" type. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with fitting into this stereotype (except the last part), just as there's really nothing wrong with being a "DINK". Having lived in both communities, I can tell you that I'd rather live amongst the DINKs because their false pretention is nothing compared to the Whatcom County "natural" types with their defensiveness and self-righteousness. Just about the time that I really start missing home I remember how much I hated all of that and I get over my homesickness pretty quick. I'm pretty sure you'll either delete this without reading or else you will just poo-poo what I've written, which is too bad. Like I said, Cutzi, I've been silently observing you for a while now and maybe some of what I've said should be taken into consideration. That's up to you. Best wishes, Heidi