Adjusting

For almost two weeks now, our family has been adjusting. Adjusting our thinking, our emotions, our "plan", our activities. This adjusting came after we found out on January 2nd that my placenta had adjusted itself. Adjusted itself far away from and out of the way of my cervix.

I haven't shared this news publicly before now because, quite honestly, I have felt very emotional about it and wasn't certain I was prepared to deal with peoples' varied responses. To be even more honest, I'm still not certain I'm prepared to deal with them. I did realize though, that I would have to say something because February 10th (my scheduled c-section date) would come and go and we would have no baby boy. I figured people might wonder. Just a little bit.

I suppose I should back up a bit for some of you. On December 18 I went in for my regular appointment and ultrasound. At that appointment my doctor looked at me and said, "So you know this thing's not moving right? (meaning my placenta) Are you ok with that? Are you ok with a c-section?" I told him I was - and I really was - so we went ahead and scheduled it for February 10. I felt a certain amount of peace about it, especially because until this point, my pregnancy has been filled with so many complications and uncertainties. Finally, something concrete to look forward to and rest in. I felt comfortable with my doctor. I was grateful for the technology that was very certainly saving my life. (Before c-sections were available, 99% of women would die from complete previa.) And even though there were some possible hurdles with delivering a little early I didn't feel they were insurmountable hurdles.

So imagine my disbelief when, just a few weeks later on January 2, the ultrasound tech looked at me with shock on her face and said, "I'm sorry but I'm totally tripping out right now. Your placenta is completely out of the way of your cervix. I have never seen this happen before." All I could do was laugh a nervous laugh and shake my head. I've had a lot of people say to me nonchalantly over the course of my pregnancy, "Oh.. I had previa too. It moved out of the way and I was fine. It usually does." I would just smile politely and nod or just not comment back on facebook because the truth is, not all previas are the same. Complete previa is way different than partial or marginal previa. After 30 or so weeks, complete previa doesn't correct. Unless, of course, you are me and have a c-section scheduled and your ultrasound tech says to you, "This is like a miracle" and all you feel like doing is crying.

So here I am. I am slowing readjusting my thinking and my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can very logically see why this is great news. My pregnancy hormones and emotions have not been as compliant as my logic though. The benefits (possible natural childbirth, more developed baby, less chance of complications, less recovery time, prenatal yoga, exercise, the MOUNTAIN, etc.) are starting to outshine the hard parts (being pregnant longer - my due date is March 3, being uncertain about the delivery and the doctor, possible natural childbirth - yes, this is on both the pros and cons list). But it's been hard. For the first week I cried a little bit almost every day. Like I said, I also didn't feel ready for peoples' excited reactions when I was still trying to process it all. I think just about every woman who has been pregnant can understand at least a little bit of what I've been feeling - but not always. Especially women who have really enjoyed pregnancy. I am so thankful for my husband who held me and said, "I know you. I understand you. You just stick close to me. You don't have to tell anyone yet." And little by little I have felt better and the shock has worn off. I think I was also a little worried that people would expect me to jump up and into all my normal activities again when the truth is, I still feel pretty miserable most of the time. I am very happy to report though, that the extra activity I have been allowed has helped how I feel. I don't feel so tight or sore and being able to get outside and walk (as much as I can in my third trimester) has done wonders for my outlook.

This is getting long so I should probably stop here. Before I end I want to say that above EVERYTHING, I trust the Lord. With every aspect of my life. The fact that my human brain and hormones are fickle does not change the fact that He is sovereign. Everybody else was surprised at this news. He was not. He knew what He was doing the whole time. I may never see the full picture - I may never know why He wanted me with an OB and not with a midwife at the birth center. And that's ok. I am so thankful to know that our family is not outside of His constant care, direction and oversight. While it may have been challenging, He has been very clear in His direction to us over the last 33 weeks and beyond. So when I have uncomfortably restless nights like I did last night, when I begin to wonder about all the details and how everything will go I preach to myself: I trust you, Lord. I trust you because you are worthy of trust. You are my peace.