WIPs

Puerperium and Baby boy Jobes

A wee baby sweater
for the wee boy to come home in.

Pattern: Puerperium Cardigan
Yarn: Cascade 220 Superwash Sport
Colorway: 859
Needles: Hiya Hiya 5" Interchangeable
US 6

Adjusting

For almost two weeks now, our family has been adjusting. Adjusting our thinking, our emotions, our "plan", our activities. This adjusting came after we found out on January 2nd that my placenta had adjusted itself. Adjusted itself far away from and out of the way of my cervix.

I haven't shared this news publicly before now because, quite honestly, I have felt very emotional about it and wasn't certain I was prepared to deal with peoples' varied responses. To be even more honest, I'm still not certain I'm prepared to deal with them. I did realize though, that I would have to say something because February 10th (my scheduled c-section date) would come and go and we would have no baby boy. I figured people might wonder. Just a little bit.

I suppose I should back up a bit for some of you. On December 18 I went in for my regular appointment and ultrasound. At that appointment my doctor looked at me and said, "So you know this thing's not moving right? (meaning my placenta) Are you ok with that? Are you ok with a c-section?" I told him I was - and I really was - so we went ahead and scheduled it for February 10. I felt a certain amount of peace about it, especially because until this point, my pregnancy has been filled with so many complications and uncertainties. Finally, something concrete to look forward to and rest in. I felt comfortable with my doctor. I was grateful for the technology that was very certainly saving my life. (Before c-sections were available, 99% of women would die from complete previa.) And even though there were some possible hurdles with delivering a little early I didn't feel they were insurmountable hurdles.

So imagine my disbelief when, just a few weeks later on January 2, the ultrasound tech looked at me with shock on her face and said, "I'm sorry but I'm totally tripping out right now. Your placenta is completely out of the way of your cervix. I have never seen this happen before." All I could do was laugh a nervous laugh and shake my head. I've had a lot of people say to me nonchalantly over the course of my pregnancy, "Oh.. I had previa too. It moved out of the way and I was fine. It usually does." I would just smile politely and nod or just not comment back on facebook because the truth is, not all previas are the same. Complete previa is way different than partial or marginal previa. After 30 or so weeks, complete previa doesn't correct. Unless, of course, you are me and have a c-section scheduled and your ultrasound tech says to you, "This is like a miracle" and all you feel like doing is crying.

So here I am. I am slowing readjusting my thinking and my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can very logically see why this is great news. My pregnancy hormones and emotions have not been as compliant as my logic though. The benefits (possible natural childbirth, more developed baby, less chance of complications, less recovery time, prenatal yoga, exercise, the MOUNTAIN, etc.) are starting to outshine the hard parts (being pregnant longer - my due date is March 3, being uncertain about the delivery and the doctor, possible natural childbirth - yes, this is on both the pros and cons list). But it's been hard. For the first week I cried a little bit almost every day. Like I said, I also didn't feel ready for peoples' excited reactions when I was still trying to process it all. I think just about every woman who has been pregnant can understand at least a little bit of what I've been feeling - but not always. Especially women who have really enjoyed pregnancy. I am so thankful for my husband who held me and said, "I know you. I understand you. You just stick close to me. You don't have to tell anyone yet." And little by little I have felt better and the shock has worn off. I think I was also a little worried that people would expect me to jump up and into all my normal activities again when the truth is, I still feel pretty miserable most of the time. I am very happy to report though, that the extra activity I have been allowed has helped how I feel. I don't feel so tight or sore and being able to get outside and walk (as much as I can in my third trimester) has done wonders for my outlook.

This is getting long so I should probably stop here. Before I end I want to say that above EVERYTHING, I trust the Lord. With every aspect of my life. The fact that my human brain and hormones are fickle does not change the fact that He is sovereign. Everybody else was surprised at this news. He was not. He knew what He was doing the whole time. I may never see the full picture - I may never know why He wanted me with an OB and not with a midwife at the birth center. And that's ok. I am so thankful to know that our family is not outside of His constant care, direction and oversight. While it may have been challenging, He has been very clear in His direction to us over the last 33 weeks and beyond. So when I have uncomfortably restless nights like I did last night, when I begin to wonder about all the details and how everything will go I preach to myself: I trust you, Lord. I trust you because you are worthy of trust. You are my peace.

Things I Don't Want to Forget

Winter 2012 Edition

Finding pictures of Steele's lego creations on my camera

How Steele thinks my spicy pico de gallo is the best ever

Cheesy grins on Xochi's first ski day of the season

Had to come back and edit..
how could I have forgotten Xochi's self-cut bangs??

This picture my husband took of the french toast he secretly ran
and got me just because I was craving it.
Even though he thinks gluten is evil.
(So do I except, apparently, during pregnancy..)

Happy kids on the first snow day of the season.




My ready-for-church-33-weeks-pregnant-self.
Even if I do have chipmunk cheeks.
Evidently, the only things that expand on me during pregnancy
are my ankles, my belly and my cheeks.
My thighs have mysteriously shrunken - no joke.


Xochi with her little two and half year old voice,
chubby body and pink princess jammies
watching chickens out the window.

Ahhhh...

That's me. Sighing a sigh of relief. Today feels a little better. Yesterday, by 8:30 in the morning, I had already driven through Starbucks and McDonalds and I may or may not have had tears streaming down my cheeks. But today? Today I feel more emotionally stable. My hormones feel more under control. I'm more rested. I've eaten healthy food. I have discomfort but no pain. I feel like I can manage my childrens' behavior more patiently and consistently. For this moment, at least. God's grace for today. I'm thankful for it. I'm going to make good use of it.

After the drive-through incident my husband came home. He always makes things better. We went and got our Christmas tree in the afternoon. Aside from a little crying breakdown in the car when I was ravished and could not find food (Yes, this is a true story. I was irrationally crying because I was hungry. I knew it was irrational, I kept telling myself that and still, I could not stop crying.)... we had a great time. We always go with my parents and my grandma comes along. We found our tree quickly. Not the most stunning tree we've ever had but I still love it. We took some beautiful photos. We went to dinner and came home to a clean house courtesy of Pam the house cleaner who our families have so generously helped to pay for during this time. We decorated while the Polar Express played in the background. It was good.

The sun is shining into my Christmas house today. When I'm done here I'm going to finish my coffee, school my children, direct a thorough bedroom cleaning and then perhaps relax with some knitting and crafts for the rest of the day.

Hunting

Loving (after some sister strangling..)

Smiling

Great-grandma-ing

Topping

Honoring

Enjoying

Creating

Shining

Brightening

Bah.

I feel crummy. Most of the time. All day long. CRUMMY! Miserable. Uncomfortable. Grumpy. And I am a ball full of tightly wound hormone-induced emotions that unravels at the most unbecoming times. You think I'm kidding. Over-exaggerating? I'm not. I have very little patience or grace for anyone in my life. Mostly, family members. Except for my husband who, oddly enough, I have grown more in love with over the past months. Maybe because I am so deeply dependent on him right now and because he has been a ROCK. A rock, I tell ya. And then, I am so frustrated and ashamed by my responses toward people that I become irrationally upset about them. It's a bad, bad cycle. I've decided that perhaps the safest method of dealing with all of this might just be to stay away from everyone for the next 10 weeks. (Which is the count-down to my probable c-section.. many hurrahs!) With Christmas and gatherings fast approaching, though, this might be near impossible. I wonder if they would believe Justin if he told them I flew to Mexico?.. Hmm....

And baby names.. Don't even get me started on baby names. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps the only reason I was ever able to fully commit to the prior 3 was because I was not pregnant while trying to decide. I think we've fully committed to three already. Announced one. And now I'm not so sure again.

So that's how I'm doing. In case you were wondering. Did I mention that pregnancy also seems to have affected my filter? Way more honest than I probably should be. Most of the time.

Fortunately, through everything, I have not lost my ability to be thankful for things. Namely, my children. And the anticipation of getting to meet a new one soon. They are just about the purest bright spots of my day. They make me laugh and smile. (and cry) So I thought I would share the thing that gave me the biggest smile and chuckle this past week. Adia Moon and the Papa went for their first day of skiing. I'm not allowed to go up to the mountain this year so Justin has to take each child separately. So far, Adia is our most courageous skier, directing Papa to "please let go" of her so she can ski whole runs by herself. Her papa couldn't be more proud or excited. Gotta love that girl's chutzpah. Most of the time...

Adia Moon (4 yrs old)

This one made me laugh the most for some reason.
I think because of the way she just stares at him when he says "French fries, not pizza."

This Morning

My son woke up at 4:45 a.m. (I will now join the ranks of social media users complaining about daylight savings)

My daughters woke up at 5:30 a.m.

Adia puked in my bed at 5:45 a.m.

I may or may not have been seen on my hands and knees in nothing but undergarments scrubbing the floor with Lysol disinfectant wipes. Hey - I needed to get back to the bedroom to get dressed and the only way through was to take on the mess. Half way through, Adia came out of the bathroom and I got a whiff... at which point my husband came and rescued his gagging, pregnant wife.

At approximately 6:05 a.m. I poured myself some coffee topped off with eggnog and downed a couple of spoonfuls of glutenous pumpkin cake that a woman from our church dropped off yesterday.

I also implemented a new plan in which Steele may only play with Xochi until he learns how to treat her with kindness, gentleness and patience. His new Lego set that he ordered off of Amazon arrived yesterday, which makes this training opportunity a little harder for him to swallow.

It can only go up from here?

10 Things

Bump ~20 weeks

I was talking with a friend the other day and she challenged me to write down 10 things every day that I am thankful for. I don't know that I'll do it every day but it is definitely a good exercise for me during this time. Because folks, I am not a happy pregnant lady. I don't know if it's my endometriosis, all of the complications I've had or just that I am super sensitive to the changes that are taking place in my body - but I feel like I could lay in bed all day long. I feel uncomfortable all of the time - my stomach is so tight feeling, my bowels so... who knows what.. wrong feeling, and tons of pressure in my lower abdomen. I already walk like I'm 8 or 9 months pregnant because seriously - it hurts to walk! Some days I really wonder how I am going to make it through 20 more weeks. Just a guess here - but I'm thinking things are only going to get tighter and more uncomfortable. Just a guess.

Lately, this question has come up again in my life.

You must have really wanted to be pregnant?

And the honest answer to that?

Well, actually, no I didn't "really" want to be pregnant. I wanted more children. I wanted to be obedient to the Lord no matter what and I truly believe this is what He put in front of us. That's what I "really" wanted.

But I don't say that. Because that would be snotty. And I realize this is a sensitive topic. I realize there are people out there who would say to me, "Well, you should just be happy you're even able to get pregnant. Quit complaining." And I really don't have anything to say people who might say that because, well, they're where they're at and I'm where I'm at. And actually, I've been where they're at too - for 10 years - but that's ok. What I will say is that these things are not mutually exclusive. I am beyond thrilled to have another baby! (whose name may or may not start with "T" now) I am not thrilled to be feeling so miserable. I didn't expect to feel so miserable. I was hoping I would be one of those people who love being pregnant. But I'm not.

Add on top of that a trip to the hospital over the weekend from 11 - 2 a.m., bad sickness, a terrible cough that gives me shooting pains and makes me pee my pants and having to take antibiotics because women with previa and bleeding need to keep coughing to a minimum and well... things have been a tad stressful.

Which brings me back around to the 10 things. Here they are:

I am thankful for

1. My husband. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing he is and all that he does for our family. In fact, I probably don't even fully understand myself what this is for him. All I know is that I wanted to punch our very nice and knowledgeable doctor in the face when she told me I should leave toys on the floor for my husband to pick up when he gets home and then gave Justin this sort of knowing, you-hear-that? kind of look. If she only knew! (You'll be happy to know I did not punch her in the face.)

2. My three beautiful children and how they love me and make me smile every day.

3. The ways that we are growing and maturing through all of this, even when it seems slow going.

4. That the Lord does not leave us alone. He is sovereign. He planned this. What would I do without that knowledge?

5. Friends who bring food, play with my kids and visit with me.

6. Being able to get out of the house at least every once in a while.

7. The BOY that is growing inside me and the anticipation of who he will be.

8. Friends who I know are FAITHFULLY praying for me, let me be honest with them and yet still somehow speak gracious, loving truth to me.

9. The resources to hire someone to clean our house and help care for our children.

10. Good news at our doctor's appointment this week - that my placenta has actually, miraculously moved up a little bit! (I had several providers tell me that with complete previa this was highly unlikely) Along with this, that my placenta looks thick, healthy and strong. (also a concern with complete previa) And that baby boy looks perfect so far. Hooray!

Now to adjust my brain to the fact that I might have to prepare simultaneously for either a scheduled c-section or a vaginal delivery - if the placenta continues to move up... because honestly, I was at peace with just knowing that a c-section was the way I'd have to go. This new news has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm getting used to the loops.... (which really, you'd think I'd have learned that after three adoptions which are full of nothing but loops)