Synthetic Hormones Make Me Whiny

I like using unrelated photos on my blog posts

At least in my head. I whine a lot in my head. And now, I might whine a little bit here.

I feel especially weepy this morning. It's such a terrible feeling. Hormonal emotions are not new to me. I've had my share of hormonal struggles over the years. But usually, they come for a couple of days and then they leave. Through experience, I've learned to deal with it and now the good days far outweigh the bad. I like it that way. Generally, during those one or two days every couple of months, I can logic away any irrational feelings but it doesn't seem to be working lately. Things that might normally bother me just a little bit are lingering in my mind. Some are big, some are small. The problem with these type of feelings it that they usually stem from something that is a reality but the medications I'm on blow them way, way out of proportion.

For example, this morning the topics I can't seem to stop thinking about are:

The fat on the back of my arms
Gaining weight
My lack of clothing for my larger, curvier self
The fact that my hair has not been cute for months
The clutter on my desk
I don't have any good boy names
My back still hurts
Remembering when I was young and my feet were soft
I have not knit in a very long time

These are just the small things that I'll probably momentarily stop thinking about once I start making breakfast for the kids.

But then there's:

If I have twins I will not be able to take the kids to the park for a picnic by myself like I did yesterday
If I have twins I'm going to get really humongous
Last night as I was walking to bed in the dark I thought, "If I have twins I won't get to sleep again for a very long time."
That darn IRS and their adoption credit reviews
I don't even have one good boy name, what if I...

And then just like that, mid-sentence - a divine intervention to my whine session. Xochi wakes up. I go into her room to get her and with two little elbows on a crib railing, a little brown chin resting on two chubby hands, a smile and a "Hi Mama!" - all seems better in my world.

Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for my next overly dramatic, hormone-induced blog post.

Still here...

Now that I'm feeling a little bit better I feel like I can sit down and gather my thoughts. The last week was pretty rough. I'm on a medication that suppresses my ovaries so they don't function. Basically, no ovaries = no hormones = major headaches + crazy, weepy emotions. I would sometimes have to squint at people when they were talking so I could focus enough through the headache to be able to process anything. It wasn't fun. So I decided to lay low for the week, take lots of naps, do as little as possible. I am so, so thankful that Justin was home through the hardest days and was able to pick up my slack. Love him. Thank you, Lord.

I went for an appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday and things are progressing as they should. For me, the best part of that was being able to start on some estrogen which = no more headaches! Hooray. I put the estrogen patches on last night and this morning when I woke up? The headache was gone. Phew! I talked to my mom on the ride home and was laughing a bit telling her I was so thankful to hear that my body was doing what it should - especially considering the fact that the M.O. for my body, in this area, is definitely to not do what it should. Ever. Kicking and screaming if you try to make it.

I've hesitated sharing all of this on my blog. Not that I don't want to share. If I knew you in person and saw you all face to face I would tell you everything. I'm just that way. This is not in my hands. It is not dependent on me. I still know, no matter what, that God brings the right children at the right time. HE alone is the one who plans families - as much as we think we are working at it, He has planned these things from the beginning of time. It is so good to rest in that knowledge. It's just that it's all so surreal to me still. Unbelievable at times. Like, do I dare voice it? Could this really be happening? You'd think I'd know it's real the moment I stick those darn needles into myself. But I suppose, just as I so often look at Steele, Adia and Xochi and think, "How in the world did you get here?! How did God's plans ever come about to bless me in such a way?!" ... I will always be in awe of life. And especially in awe of all of the creative and astounding ways God has brought life, these lives, to us.

June 9 is my next big appointment. As long as things are continuing as they should we will probably transfer the embryos in mid June. If you are a pray-er... please pray that God would preserve these little lives and that He would make just the right space for them in me. We'd really love to meet them.

The Right Woman for the Job?

Around my breakfast table this morning....

Steele: Are you gonna get a baby in your tummy?
Me: I hope so!

(keep in mind that this is not the first time we've had this conversation and I'm guessing it won't be the last)

Steele: Is that why you have to get shots?
Me: yup!
Steele: Ohhhh Adia, I hope you never have a baby so you don't have to get shots!
Me: Well, Adia probably won't have to get shots. Hopefully her body will work how God made it to work and she will be able to have babies without taking shots. Mama's body can't grow babies on it's own so that's why I have to take shots.
Adia: Well, you grew Xochi in your tummy.
Me: (shocked at this insight into Adia's little brain)
Steele: No, Chelsea did.
Me: No, Amanda grew Xochi in her tummy.
Adia: (Eyes widening and a smile spreading across her face) MY Amanda??!!
Me: No, a different Amanda.

Me (in my mind): Ohhh boy....

I'm really glad I can trust that God thought I was cut out for this job, because sometimes I find it awfully comical.

Next up: How to explain to people that the baby growing in your tummy is actually adopted...

Update

Isn't this a creepy photo? It has nothing to do with anything.

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to think of some way to update you all on the baby process. Maybe something deep? Maybe something funny? I even thought for a moment that I could tell you how I feel like the seven dwarfs all wrapped up in one - multiple personality dwarf maybe? Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy (allergies), Sleepy and let's throw in Weepy. That's pretty much me right now.

But I just couldn't come up with anything good. Maybe because at any given moment lately I feel like I could shut my eyes and fall asleep. Which is actually what I'm going to do as soon as I post this. Also, at any given moment, I feel like I could start crying. Do you know that feeling? Where you feel like you're on the verge of crying and you can just sort of feel it welling up in your chest and your throat? The thing is, I don't feel like crying over anything in particular, I just feel like crying.

All in all, it's not that bad though. Truly. I started birth control pills a week and a half ago to get my cycle on schedule. I start a different medication next week. Shots. In my stomach. Fun times. I've been trying to pace myself and my days. One thing at a time. A load of laundry here, a school lesson there. Taking purposeful, short moments to train my children, take a nap, lay out in the sun (on the two days we've had it this year) and read some things that feed my spirit. I've been avoiding people a little bit. Only because I'm a tad unpredictable right now. Even to myself. I also don't want to appear as though I'm complaining about anything. I know some people might think I'm looney for choosing this. It's hard to explain sometimes that we didn't choose it. God did. So it's just easier if I don't have to breach that topic.

Overall I have an overwhelming feeling of this all being very surreal. Ten years of being married, adopting 3 babies in 4 years, never trying and barely even thinking about fertility treatment and now here we are. It is still crazy to me. God crazy. Good crazy. The best kind of crazy.

A friend passed on this blog to me. If you're curious about the whole process of IVF or embryo adoption you might be interested to read it. The blogger is about where I am now if you go back to her posts from September '09. It's really interesting. I never knew. I still don't really know. I'm just doing what the doctor tells me to do. Checking off each day on my schedule calendar. Today: take a little red pill. Sunday and Monday: same. Tuesday: take little red pill, give myself a shot in the stomach.... until sometime in mid June: Take vallium, have doctor put baby inside me.

CRAZY!!!!

Making the Most of Things

According to Steele, this makes me the best mama ever and I get 300 kisses for it.

Maundy Thursday

we have legos on the brain at our house lately

Tonight our little chapel held their annual Maundy Thursday soup and bread service. It is one of my favorite nights of the whole year to celebrate with my church body. What is Maundy Thursday, you ask? You can find an explanation here on Wikipedia. We were not in the tradition of observing Maundy Thursday until we started going to the chapel, with it's historically Reformed liturgy and observances.

In between Xochi wetting her pants, me taking her to the car to change her and standing with her at the back of our fellowship hall trying to keep her from shouting, "poo poo!" "toy-wet" "Gammy!" "Soup!" and whatever other thing that happened to pop into her adorable little head, my pastor shared a truth in his short devotion that sprang fresh in me.

It was, basically, this: Christ died not only to reconcile us to God but also to reconcile us to one another. We see this in the picture of the last supper that is presented to us in scripture. We see Christ, Lord of all, stooping low in self-sacrifice to wash His disciples' feet. He humbled Himself out of love for them and as an example to us of how to love others.

Our pastor asked if anyone could share some practical examples of a feet washing equivalent in the church today. I didn't raise my hand but I thought about his question. I thought about how we, even in the church, value success and recognition. We want to defend ourselves and our righteousness. We are like the son who, unlike the prodigal, stayed and obeyed. We do everything "right" and then we seek our own glory for it as if we deserve it. Sometimes, we obey so we can say we're righteous instead of obeying because we love God and want to be in relationship with Him.

But this is not the example Christ set for us. Christ bent low, did the dirty job and became a servant so that we could be reconciled. I thought of a few relationships in my own life that need healing and reconciling. Sometimes I am tempted to say, "Well, I've done everything I can. I'm done. I guess I'll just have to move on." And yet, Christ died so that I could be reconciled to my brothers and sisters. If I am to be like Christ then I am to keep loving, keep humbling myself, keep serving, keep sacrificing and keep doing the hard jobs... even whenI get dirty in the midst of it.

I looked around the room at my church family tonight and was filled with gratefulness at the gift God gave me in them. A gift that could only be truly fulfilled through Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I am so thankful for this! In my own strength and wisdom, things can sometimes look hopeless. Yet, because of Christ, I can be reconciled to the church and can live in peace and unity with them. Because of Him, I am able to do the same with my husband and my children, my extended family, my co-workers, my friends (insert necessary relationship here). What grace!

It's Only Been 5.5 Years...

* updated!! Check out the link at the bottom before you make your final decision on the paint color*


...but I'm finally starting to decorate my bedroom.


I have to feel inspiration about these sorts of things, ya know?

And I finally feel inspired - by this picture that I bought for Justin laaaaaast (meaning last before last) Christmas and just now got around to framing and hanging.

Table Mountain, Mt. Baker WA - isn't it cool?

Do any of the rest of you ever feel like your home decorating happens mostly by accident?

Anyway...

Three bedspreads later and I found this lovely at our local thrift shop yesterday ($8.99!). And the velvet rust-colored pillows which I adore. See how the colors tie in to the picture?

The only problem is that now I'm not liking my blue walls. They do match the pic but I think it is too many different colors. Before I found the pink bedspread. (Did I mention that after I found it - for $8.99 - and then went to our chic little home dec store in town, I found a twin-sized one on consignment for $45. Booyah!!) I was going to do this painted wall paper from Jones Design Co. on the wall behind our bed in faint gold and I still really want to. My friend Kristen did it in her Manhattan apartment hallway and I think it looks even more fab. So now I'm thinking... wait for it.... light, light pink on the walls? Like almost a creamy white kind of light pink?? Like perhaps Magnolia or Pink Sea Salt from Martha Stewart? And then the gold stencil over the top. Or should I just do cream/white?

The other thing is that I ordered this poster and was going to hang it on my side of the bed.

Also cool, no?

But now I don't think it will look so good so I'm leaning toward one of these borings instead:



I wasn't going to show you the rest of the room yet but since I got this far I might as well.

My room is a mess... that's just the truth of it.

This little table's legs are going to get spray painted gold. I might replace the top with glass. If it doesn't cost too much $$$. I have a cool old mirror to hang over the top.


Would love to paint this dresser a dark bluish grey - Anvil Interior? Kerry Blue? Mariner Interior? and add brass pulls. But that will probably never happen. Just sayin.


And of course, as soon as I win the lottery, pay for my babies, buy all my organic food etc. I will find the *perfect* light fixture for the school room and I (Justin) will move this into my bedroom.


Thoughts? Paint preferences?

Don't you love how I always show you what I'm going to do in a room and then I never actually do it? Yah, me too.

* I realize that many of you have different taste than I do and that's fine. I can't do country blue and mauve... that's just me. But I think we can all get along, different decor tastes and all, right?

Before you click on the following link I have to tell you: I have been reading My Favorite and My Best for quite a while now. It is -by far- my favorite design blog EVER. BUT, she swears a lot and say/posts what many would consider inappropriate things. And she's awesome. And so talented. Consider that your warning.

* Pink Sea Salt in action.