The Art Inside

I'm sitting here, this drizzly Saturday morning, contemplating myself. Admittedly, I'm in a grumpy mood - who knows why. Could be hormones, the rain, outside burdens, the stressful time I had with my family over the last couple of days. Nonetheless, I am contemplating who I am. I sat down to put my set together for Jazzercise. This fact in itself surprises me sometimes because when I look at myself in my mind's mirror I am not an aerobics instructor. Getting back to the point... I sat down and turned on my friend Gabe's "mix tape" that he made for all of us and realized that I love this music. It's the type of music that makes me feel like the person that I see in my mind's mirror.

A lot of people might not realize that one of the layers of me is a hip, alternative, funky clothes and square glass wearing, short choppy banged hang-out-in-Fairhaven, art and music loving rocker type of person. My friend Amy realizes this - she recently called me a "skater-chick" which she knows is a part of me at heart. I love that she knows me so well - not many do. That layer is the one that knows almost all the lyrics to every Beatles song and sang them all the way down to Portland and back. It's the part that listend to Echo and the Bunnymen and Depeche Mode when I was in high school. It's the part that dresses Steele in black high top converse and Hurley shirts with a little skull on it.

For some reason though, this part of me has been outvoted by another part of me. The part that's more Martha Stewart - likes to cook, decorate, organize, look fancy, garden, sew, blog, check myspace.... It most definitely has not been covered up by the part of me that's a mother. In fact, it really irks me when people say they don't know who they are anymore after they became a mom. If anything, being a mama has made me want to know my true self even more - to see how all of these parts fit together. God made me my childrens' mama and I don't want them to miss out on any part of that. I want to recognize the parts of me that I see in my children and bring them out so we can all enjoy them.

This part of me has also been covered up by the part of me that wants to be an adult and be responsible. For some reason, in my mind, I can't get the rocker chick and the responsible adult to walk hand in hand. I don't think men have this problem as much - nobody looks at Bono or Sting and thinks they look ridiculous.

Now, I'm not saying that this business owner aerobics instructor person is a falsehood - it's just not the part of me that is the most passionate, inspiring or true.

I think I'm also thinking about all of this because I just got back from Portland where I went to a show at my cousin's art studio. She's the most amazing artist, reflected by the fact that almost every piece of her work sold. While there I also saw my cousin (her brother) who recently won an Emmy for his documentary, Reefnet. Now, this is the family that I am a part of. These are the talents that my ancestors unknowingly passed on to our Pasinski clan. And even though I may not get along with every one of them, my family members all hold the same creativity and passion that drives us to art in some form or another.

I wouldn't do this post justice if I didn't mention the fact that this self analysis is complicated by the fact that I'm a Christian. The reality is that it's not complicated at all - God made me this way and He made me to worship Him with the gifts He gave me. It fits together perfectly. But, I'm self-inhibited by the thought that many people don't see it this way. My family thinks that because I am a Christian there is no way I could be hip. (although I'm not really sure that "hipness" is the goal - I just can't think of a better word). On the flip side - I wonder if people might assume untrue things of me if I showed up at church, or Bible study or the park in black and white striped tights and Dr. Martens. I'm also self-inhibited by the fact that this co-habitation of selves boggles my own mind.

So that's what I'm thinking about today. That and the fact that I have to exercise my adult responsibilites and take my dog Fiona back - the dog that I thought we had found a new home for. I'm also thinking about figuring out how to get words in my posts to link to other web sites. And there is a small part of me that wonders how many of my friends and family will be surprised when they read this...

Thank you to all of you who know me and love me, who see me for me and let me be that person - even more than I let myself be that person sometimes.