A few of you have been asking if there are any baby updates and I'm so thankful to know you are all thinking about me and wondering. I hope you know that I never mind people asking. I'm pretty much an open person - open here, open in real life. Wait. Is this real life? Anyway, nothing new to report for now. There is some legal work that has to be done and none of the medical stuff can be started until that's done. So that's where we're at.
Along these lines though, I've been thinking about so many things lately. About babies. About family. About being a mother. About baby names! (which I pretty much do all the time) I feel ready for another baby. At least ready to be looking forward to another one.
People often ask us this question: How many do you want to have?
To casual friends or acquaintances, I usually tell the truth. Without hesitation. They look shocked for moment but then quickly move on, keeping their comments and judgement to themselves. Admittedly though, it is often most difficult to discuss this topic with those closest to us - to the ones who know us best, know our struggles and our weaknesses, our sinfulness and our imperfection. I read their critical questioning or their concerned silence - I know what they're thinking. Sometimes they're not just thinking it - sometimes they say it out loud.
You seem stressed out enough as it is.
You have your hands full with three.
When is it going to be enough already?
You can't save them all, you know! (Which, by the way, is not our goal. God is the only one in the business of saving)
Well I don't care how many kids people have, as long as they can pay for them all!
It's hard to hear sometimes. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I wish I would just keep every challenge, every frustration, every impatient response to myself so that no one would know. But the truth is that being a parent is hard work. Harder than I ever thought it would be. Justin and I were a couple that talked at length about parenting before we ever had kids - we decided what kind of children and family we wanted, how we wanted to parent... and for the most part, we have stuck to that. And yet, it is still hard. It is not a magic formula where you shove kids in one end and have them come out uniformly on the other end. I'm fairly certain (I hope!) that if you asked this mom or this mom or this mom that they would tell you the same thing.
And still, my heart's desire is to have a large family.
I don't know if this is going to happen. That is for God alone to know and for me to trust. And I do trust Him. Implicitly. Sometimes I even wonder if I have the physical and emotional energy to raise and homeschool a lot of children. The answer to that is no. Right now, I don't. Sometimes I think ahead to how the Lord could possibly answer my prayers and I think, "Ack!! I was an only child raised by a single, newly-believing mother, all the while going to public school. I struggle with pain and fatigue and anxiety and hormones. I don't know what the trivium is or the difference between the Westminster and Heidelberg catechisms. I don't even think I remember how to do Algebra! Why in tarnation do I ever think I could do that?!?!" (ok, so I've never used the word tarnation, but you get the picture) Yet, when I imagine myself as a grandmother, as a mother-in-law... as an old woman on the doorstep of eternity - I see myself surrounded by family. Children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren - a miraculous and surprising HUMONGOUS heritage of faith that might, by God's grace, go on for generations. It would be my life's sweetest blessing.
So I pray, almost every day, that God would make me the kind of mama that would be able to raise many children. I pray for wisdom, grace, energy, tenderness and consistency. I pray that I would teach with patience and passion. I pray that I would be slow to anger and quick in love. I ask for diligence and organization and clarity. I ask that God would cause me to be faithful in what He's given me today as I trust Him for the rest. I am not perfect, I never will be. That is one thing I know for sure. I also know that God is able to equip me for whatever He puts before me.
So we'll see what happens.
And for the record, between you and me... maybe a nice round number like... 10? I have no idea how something crazy like that would happen....but you never know! God always seems to have some amazing adventures up His sleeve.
15 comments:
I love reading your blog! The truth and honesty is wonderful! You are a great mom to those three wonderful kids and if its God plan for more, you will do great with them too! Take care and know that there are a lot of us praying for you and excited to see what your future holds.
Love ya, Gretch
Beautiful, honest, real...I love it!
Cutzi,
I love your honest, open heart.
You're so right... none of us have what it takes. I've never liked the whole "God never gives you more than you can handle" cliche.
Sure He does. So we'll run to Him for help.
I can't wait to see what God does next in your family :D
Julie
You could totally rock ten. No doubt. I love your honesty!!! Thanks for the update.. I was getting close to emailing to find out the scoop!!
I love you for so many reasons and your desire for a big family is one of them. I LOVE it when people trust and take that leap of faith and add more and more children to their homes. Ten is a perfect number, four is a perfect number, the number God wants us to have is the most perfect number.
Eighty-eight is a rounder number than ten, right? :)
Ah, Cutzi, I have to smile (in a good way!) at your idealism. You're a good mom. A good woman. But comments like such as, "Justin and I were a couple that talked at length about parenting before we ever had kids - we decided what kind of children and family we wanted, how we wanted to parent... and for the most part, we have stuck to that", are so revealing.
You're young. You're at the "baby steps" stage of parenting (and I'm by no means at the tail end, if indeed there is such a thing!). The fact that you speak of considering beforehand "what kind of kids" you wanted to have is notable. And the assertion that you've "stuck to that" is simultaneously sweet and naive, given the fact that your oldest child is but five years old.
Cutzi, I encourage you to be YOU. You're a thoughtful, intelligent woman who has much to offer. What the Duggars say or do isn't relevant to you. What other "big" families do isn't the point. I worry that you set these other people up as idols and, in turn, inadvertently set yourself up as one. Comparison is the death of contentment, my friend. Live YOUR life, not the life you see others living, or the life others hope to see you living.
Best to you. Truly.
Cutzi,
I love your thoughts in this post. And the sweet pictures of your kids enjoying a simple playtime on the floor together.
I also love that you and Justin are purposeful and prayerful in your thoughts about raising these blessings.
May God continue to give us each what we stand in need of each day to be the mommies that our kids need!
And in response to the comment or the feeling that "You seem stressed out enough as it is": my oldest, as you know is 8, only three years older than Steele. I'm not that far beyond you in parenting years but life is totally different than when I had 3 ages 5 and under. I think those have been my hardest years so far because almost everyone needed me ALL the time for EVERY thing.
I think our hands as mommies are always going to be full, regardless of how many children God gives us but I do think that at least for me, the season when none of my kids could buckle themselves in the car or tie their shoes or cut their meat at the table were the craziest.
(And here ends my latest novel!)
Sending hugs!
Cutz,
I have many things to say about this, but here's an important little story:
My dear friend Sal comes from a family with 11 kids. Sal has 2 kids of her own now and was deciding whether or not to have a third. She mentioned this to her Mom (the mother of 11).
You know what her Mom said? She said, "Sal? If you're going to have 3, you might as well have 11."
Of course, what she meant was, 3 kids are so hard, that any more than 3 doesn't seem to be much harder.
You know your own limits and your families limits.
Love,
martz
Colleen,
I think you may have misunderstood what Cutzi was saying. I don't think she was talking about the end product when she said, "What kinds of kids." She was referring to the parenting strategy. The way they wanted to tackle the challenge.
I say this because it is one of my favorite things about them as parents. Most of us don't think through a strategy for parenting (how will we handle x, y or z... what will be our goal...) we just have kids, wait and see. Coming up with a plan as we go.
However, going into it knowing that our kids will act according to their sinful nature and having a pre-prepared plan for training those behaviors is brilliant.
I think what you have to say makes sense in a lot of cases. I just don't believe she was writing from a "We have arrived" attitude.
I agree completely that comparison can kill contentment but only if that comparison is not done in a Biblical setting. If it stops at "how do I do this differently then another mom?" On the other hand, if I am comparing with someone who can say, "Follow me as I follow Christ" then the exercise can be very fruitful.
~Amy
Well I can attest to how consistent you and Justin have been in following the parenting plan that God placed on your hearts before Steelio was born, and I think that kind of consistency over the course of five years is no small task! You guys do such a great job, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for your precious family.
(And by the way, as one who can SO relate to the challenges of raising and homeschooling three tiny ones while also facing fatigue and health issues, I think you're a rock star. It's hard. Where would we be without God's grace and provision and the invitation to cling to Him.)
We are the parents of 3 biological children and one adopted child. He was 10 years old at adoption and we are certain that the Lord intended for us to be his parents. He is now grown, married and a father himself. There is so much truth in your statement that God will equip you for whatever He gives you.
We had some rough times in our journey of raising a child who had been abused and neglected and with an entirely different set of values, but through it all, God met our every need. We could not have survived without, as Jodi says, God's strength and provision.
May God richly bless you in the day's to come.
A more recent example of this is when we had to keep our son's six children while he was hospitalized out of state. I am in my late sixties and my husband a little older. Their children are ages 12-5 and they live in a third floor apartment of a mission organization. Again, God met our every need from physical strength to discernment in making decisions. We could not have survived without, as Jodi says, God's strength and provision.
May God richly bless you in the day's to come.
Wilma in WV
Sorry that some sentences were repeated. I copied and pasted, but forgot to delete......
Wilma
Wilma - thank you so much for your comment on this post. Your words meant a lot to me - I am so thankful to trust, as you have testified, that God certainly does provide what we need. Especially when we are asking for more of what His spirit gives. Thank you for sharing your adoption beautiful adoption/redemption story with us.
Cutzi
Parents like you and Justin make God smile, I am certain. Therefore parents like you ought to have many, many children, to be raised to give Him glory. As long as you continue to seek His will in parenting and future children questions, you will continue to do a fabulous job. I have always wished I could "mom" like you.
Kathy G.
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