They Say It's My Birthday...

So let's not beat around the bush here. I'll just get right to the point.

I have come to dislike birthdays.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love celebrating people. I love enjoying my family and doing fun things. I love getting phone calls and cards with birthday greetings. This year, I'm especially loving all the birthday wishes I'm getting on facebook! And, if you've been around here for any amount of time, you know I love presents. Giving presents... getting presents. Gift giving is totally one of my love languages. I like giving people thoughtful gifts. I love getting presents that I know people have put thought into and knew I would enjoy. They don't have to be big, just a little something. All those parts of birthdays are fine and dandy. But there's this one little part that I detest. One little part that cannot seem to be escaped, no matter how much I try.

It's that part where you... get older.

I never thought I would be this type of person. I got a few grey hairs pretty young and always said I would never dye my hair. I thought grey hair looked pretty. "The Bible calls it wisdom!" When my mom would comment on getting a few wrinkles I would say, "Mom! You're beautiful! You don't look old!"

But then, it started happening to me. More grey hair - too many to keep pulling out. Mysterious lines on my face that take hours to pop back out in the morning. Thickness in my waist that never used to be there before - the red shirt dress that I wear every Christmas annoyingly bunching at the buttons. Weird spots and marks and lines and hairs and pimples in places they weren't before and in places I'm pretty sure I don't want them to be. And all of sudden, I can understand why words like dye and botox and anti-wrinkle-whatever begin to drift through peoples' thinking.

Also - I don't know what I thought 34 would be like. I guess I really thought I would be way more mature than I am now. I didn't think I would still be struggling with the same lame thoughts and attitudes that I do... sometimes on a daily basis. The reality, though, is that most of the time I still feel like I'm 21. A 21 year old brain in a 34 year old body.

And if all that stuff weren't bad enough, I find myself thinking about death and dying and life and sickness way more than I probably should. Being an adult has made me more anxious than I ever thought I would be and more than I know is right. The fact that I'm getting older also means the people around me are getting older. My mom, my grandma, my children. I take heed when people tell me to enjoy my kids because it goes so fast. I intentionally savor my moments with people and yet it still all goes whizzing by. Week after week, day after day... until Steele is skiing down the mountain by himself, until the chubby, little toddler legs Adia had last summer have disappeared, until all of a sudden Xochi is noticing and grumbling when I take something away from her, until I find myself making certain note of how my grandma cuts the Polish cookies at Christmas - the ones we've been baking together for years. So I can remember. And it keeps going. And I don't like it.

So, what do I do?

Well, I live in denial most of the time. It's true. If you understand even an inch of what I've been talking about, you probably also understand that most times, you just have to put it out of your mind - or else you'll be consumed by it.

I also try not to let my fears pollute my enjoyment of my moments. Which once again, brings me back to the denial part. I put it out of my mind.

I do fun things. I try to live spontaneously and wait for God's next adventure. Sometimes this means my laundry turns into Mt. Everest and my house isn't as tidy as it should be. Most of the time it means that actually. Actually, this could also be laziness. See the maturity at 34 part above.

And probably most importantly, I pray. I pray that God would build more and more grace and wisdom in me with each passing year, despite my anxiety. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.

I pray and confess who God is and that I know what He says is true: that this life is only a vapor and that my true hope is in the reality of heaven. That the things I cling to so dearly in this life will pale in comparison to the joy of eternity.

I pray and thank Him for the joys that He has given and the ones I know He will continue to give, even alongside the hard parts of life. He is merciful to give sweet moments.

Lord, would you impress these things on my mind and heart and remind me of your truth every day, in every joy, in every trial and temptation, in every moment?

So that's it. Those are the thoughts I'm having today. I wanted to get them all out. Chew on them. Organize them. We don't have any set plans yet - I've been rolling around a few ideas but haven't decided on anything. I want a little time with my family, maybe a little time by myself or with a friend. We'll see. Right now, I'm pretty impressed with the box of gluten free cake mix Justin just pulled out. Cake sounds like a good start to a great birthday.

And to help me hold on to some moments: my first attempt at iMovie that I thought I'd share with you.

I cannot get this video to work for some reason. Here's the link

Jobes Family Ski Day